Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to Behind the Paddle Podcast with me Poulsen, victoria. Today we're speaking about BDSM not as a hobby, not as a kink to be giggled at behind closed doors, and not as a fleeting curiosity, but as a world, because it is massive A world of power, of discipline and of trust. A world of deeply human longing and deeply consensual depravity. A world some of us live in everyday life I certainly do, and I know a lot of people who do as well. So, whether you're new to this world or have bruises that still carry stories from years past, hopefully you're going to look at this episode. You're going to enjoy it and maybe educate you on something or just light that spark again. So first we're going to begin with a truth where BDSM is not violence. It's about intention, control, sacred exchange. It's about the psychological thrill of power, not just giving it or taking it, but knowing what it does to the body, the heart and the mind. We are told so often that power is corrupting, that pain is bad, that surrender is weakness, that one I hear so often that being submissive is a weakness. It's not. Bdsm calls bullshit on all of that. It reclaims these states, these taboo truths, and alchemises them into erotic gold, into identity, into ritual. But before we dive too deeply, let's ground ourselves in some language. So we're going to start with.

Speaker 1: 2:21

What does BDSM stand for? So we're going to start with. What does BDSM stand for? Well, BDSM is an acronym that stands for several dynamics. Honestly, you could say it in many different ways. For instance, for me BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism, and for others, bdsm, the acronym, stands for dominance, submission and then round abouts the same sadism, masochism, bondage, discipline, that sort of thing. And each pairing represents a dimension of play, of identity, of psychology. So we're going to break that down. Bondage and discipline involve restraint and rule setting. It's the art of immobilizing someone, not just physically but mentally, through the framework of rules, protocols and correction. Discipline can be spanking. It also can be silence, denial, eye contact, withheld. Dominance and submission are relational roles. Power exchange. Dominance and submission are relational roles. Power exchange, sometimes for a scene, sometimes for a lifetime. Dominance and submission is about who leads and who follows. But it's not as simple as topping and bottoming. We'll get to that later.

Speaker 1: 4:04

So sadism and masochism, the delicious craving to inflict or receive pain. Funny story I had a sub today and it was. He saw that I like needles and I haven't done needles in a while good while. So he was like, oh, miss, you can do needles on me. I don't really like needles, but because you're getting pleasure out of it, I'm gonna get pleasure from that. And there was a moment where I just looked at him and his face scrunching up and I was like, wow, you're really not a masochist with pain, are you in any way? And he was like no, I was like I can tell. And that was just such a funny little moment from today. And with sadism and masochism, it's not always physical pain, it's also humiliation, anticipation, emotional intensity. These are also a part of sadism and masochism.

Speaker 1: 5:19

So what makes BDSM unique isn't the elements themselves, it's the nationality, it's the intentionality, the structure and, above all, consent. The consent Because we don't stumble into BDSM. We choose it. You choose to dive into the lifestyle, you choose to dive in to the scene. You choose to dive in to having a play like yeah, so we negotiate it. So we negotiate it, we script it, we even revisit it, and when we do it right, it becomes not just sex, not just play, but ritualized power. It becomes so much more.

Speaker 1: 6:19

So we're now going to talk about language of safety in BDSM. In the world of BDSM, consent isn't a checkbox, it's a sacred covent. That's not BDSM whatsoever and I hate the people, the perpetrators, who vandalize your trust and dismiss your feelings and your consent. That is not BDSM, that's abuse. And the frameworks we use to shape that consent are just as important as the scenes themselves. So we're now going to talk about SSC. Does anybody know what that stands for? I'm going to imagine I can hear you guys.

Speaker 1: 7:48

Safe, sane and consensual. It's very classic, it's very traditional, the beginner's doctrine and in many ways it's still fundamental. It reminds us that even when we're playing with pain, humiliation, fear, there should be a conscious agreement that everyone involved is doing something safe, something rational and something consensual. But as BDSMM communities evolve, so did our understanding of risk and our need to honor more complex, more raw experiences. So that's where RAC comes into play.

Speaker 1: 8:39

Wear consensual kink rack acknowledges that some of what we do isn't quote safe in a conventional sense. Needle play isn't safe, breath play isn't safe. Even rope bondage, when done carelessly, can be dangerous. And even even something that you might think is small, like pegging, that can be unsafe if you don't use the proper equipment, the proper tools and have the educational outlook of what you're doing. That can absolutely be unsafe. Same with sex if you don't do foreplay, if you don't make sure you are moist and wet, lubricated enough, then it can hurt and you can tear it's. It's not good. I would say, in general, anything BDSM isn't safe.

Speaker 1: 9:50

A lot of things you do in life aren't safe. I mean you drive a car. That's not safe. You go on a plane that's not safe. You could walk in the street of London. That's not safe. You know a lot of things. These days you could say everything isn't safe. So why should you not follow some sort of protocol to make sure that you can be as safe as possible and to have that educational knowledge as well? It just makes sense. I know these days a lot of people clearly have lost their common sense, but we need it. We need it, please.

Speaker 1: 10:40

When we enter those spaces with open eyes, informed consent and risk mitigation in place, that's when it becomes intentional, that's when it becomes kink, not recklessness, and then there's PRICK. Yeah, you heard that right. Prick Personal Responsibility. Prick, personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink. This philosophy centers you, the practitioner, the player, the dominant, the submissive as ultimately responsible for your own body, your own choices, your own limits. It removes the idea that anybody else can quote, guarantee safety and instead insists on accountability, not just from tops, from everyone involved. These philosophies aren't just cute acronyms, they're cultural codes, they are traditions, they are something that should be followed absolutely, and the language we use around safety. It shapes how we play, how we connect and how we grow.

Speaker 1: 12:02

But let's get more specific. We use safe words. Some use the classic traffic light system, which is what I use. Well, I tell a lie, I use it a little bit differently. So usually the classic is green for yes, more yellow for slow down, red for stop, more Yellow for slow down, red for stop.

Speaker 1: 12:32

Others use nonsense, words that won't come up naturally, like pineapple, mercy or moonlight, with me and my traffic light colours so green, you're enjoying it, I feel like colors. So green you're enjoying it, amber not so much. And when you say amber, I'm going to carry on doing it, probably for like a few more seconds, not to just break you out of that scene. And then if you say red, you do not like it, and we stop playing with that toy For me, whoever I'm playing with. If you say stop, then we stop. If you want to carry on the session after you say stop, that's absolutely fine. If you want to stop for five minutes, get a drink of water, um, revisit where you are in your mind, in your body, that is absolutely fine. That is how my traffic light system works and that is how.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Yeah, that that's how it works, and what matters is a safe word traffic light colors. It's not a freaking suggestion, it's not. It's like law, it's the rules. It is very, very serious when you I straight up want to say when you mistreat somebody, because when you don't listen to somebody who you're playing with, on whatever side that is on, that's wrong. You know again, again, common sense.

Speaker 1: 14:06

And this is where the difference between BDSM comes into play and abusers, because BDSM players would go by safe words and trefoilic colors and all these lovely, cute acronyms and follow those, but abusers they don't. And I really, really want to make this very, very clear that there is just a big difference between abuse and BDSM. Like right now, this has got nothing to do with it at all, but like right now that this, this has got nothing to do with it at all, but like when you are trying to find, like, say, a partner, which is what I'm trying to do right now because I'm in the dating stage, but I'm kind of nice feeling single, but like, yeah, it's very testing, um, me being my autistic self, I have a 27 page uh, no, 27 questionnaire. Yeah, 27 page question questionnaire that I give to potential dates. It really cuts the fucking small talk. I hate the small talk.

Speaker 1: 15:22

But the first thing on there is do you have any experience of BDSM and, if so, what are these? Well, no, I don't say what acronyms there are, but if they pass, then I ask them. But it's also just very easy for people to look things up. It's also just very easy for people to look things up. But if you need to educate somebody, do it absolutely. Absolutely educate them on the rules, absolutely educate them on safety. It is very, it is very, very important that everybody understands how to keep everybody safe and, hopefully, how we stay away from abusers.

Speaker 1: 16:11

And we see those red flags that if you start to play with somebody and they don't mention safe words, they don't mention prick or rack or ssc, and they don't mention traffic light colors and maybe they don't have lube by the bedside, yeah, been there, done that terrible. They are red flags. Now, either, while you're about to go into the scene, you could educate them on that and be like, hey, I want a traffic light system, hey, I want some safe words. Can we discuss this and then go from there and if they say, no, obviously fucking leave. If you can, you know, try and reach out to somebody on your mobile phone or hell, I mean mean even call the emergency services, because you're now in a situation you don't want to be in and the emergency services are meant to be there to help you in some way. I understand I just did a podcast episode about me going to jail and like getting charged with brothel keeping. But they are meant to help. You meant to. But yeah, that was a lovely ramble I did not have written down. So when it's spoken, when somebody has said the safe word, the scene ends. There shouldn't be any questions, there shouldn't be any fucking delay.

Speaker 1: 17:50

And if you're a dominant and you think you're like quote two in the moment to hear a safe word, then you have no business topping. This is one of the tools and one of the I'm trying to think of the word. It's one of the skills. That's it. It's one of the skills you need to have as a top, as a dominant, where you are coherent, where you can tell from the body language of who you're playing with what they want or what they don't want. It is so fucking hard being a dominant because you are constantly thinking about certain things and, like you don't overthink, you don't want to underthink and you want all your attention to be there, and it needs to be. It very much needs to be.

Speaker 1: 18:50

We also need to use negotiation protocol, conversations before scenes that map out our desires, our limits and expectations. These conversations are not just about saying what we want. They're about revealing who we are, and that can be just as intimate, just as vulnerable as the scene itself. You are so opening up to somebody about what you enjoy and how you like it, and it's beautiful. Negotiation isn't foreplay, it's structure, and it's where the scene begins and it's where the fantasy becomes real, because we don't play in the dark, we play in the light of awareness, of intention, of radical clarity. That's what makes BDSM not just sex but something sacred.

Speaker 1: 19:50

And with me saying that, I would like to point out that with BDSM, you don't need to have sex Honestly, it doesn't have to have a sexual point to it, which I understand. Not everybody will understand that it doesn't have to be sexual. For certain people you still can enjoy BDSM without getting off, and that doesn't just mean like coming or having a sexual time. There are people who just enjoy BDSM. So let's talk about control. Control is one of the most dangerous forces on earth, but it can also be erotic, not because it's sexy to some, but because it speaks to something ancient in us, something animal, maybe a little bit primal, something that lives in the spine and the chest and the knees when they buckle in. Bdsm.

Speaker 1: 21:02

Power is not given lightly. It shouldn't be. It is not stolen, it is offered and when is accepted, when it's held with care or cruelty or both, it creates a feedback loop. It can feel like in a trance state. So why do we crave it? Okay, let's start with dominance. To dominate is not to destroy. Okay, I think we're understanding that. It is not to harm, it is to lead.

Speaker 1: 21:43

The best dominants aren't angry. They're intentional, controlled, charismatic even. They create the container for the chaos, they build the walls of the scene so everything inside it can come undone. Dominance isn't about ego. It it's about awareness, awareness of what your submissive needs before they say it, of how their body shifts under rope or pressure, of the subtle difference between whimpering and warning.

Speaker 1: 22:23

And what about submission, the part everyone misunderstands? So I remember pegging a guy in a session and afterwards he turned to me and he was like submissive men are such bitches, aren't they? And he meant this in such a serious fucking way and it so offended me. But I've dealt with this for many years now and so it didn't offend me to like get angry. It it made me defend and get educational and I was just like no, actually being a submissive, you're opening up so much of yourself. It takes massive bollocks, it really does. It takes so much bravery to open yourself up to being that vulnerable with a particular person or people.

Speaker 1: 23:35

Submission is not passivity. Submission is a gift that requires more strength, more trust, more vulnerability than most people are capable of offering. The true submission is active. It's a state of alertness, of emotional presence, of attunement. A submissive doesn't simply like take what's given. A submissive co-creates the dynamic. You're in this together. The submissive feeds the energy, offers the body and soul and says use me, shape me, break me. If we've agreed to that, and let's not forget the switch, the ones who hold both sides. I am one of those. Oh, it's a struggle.

Speaker 1: 24:30

Switchers understand the shape of surrender because they've demanded it. They know the weight of power because they felt it pressing down on their own back. Switchers are often the most emotionally intelligent players in the room because they see the full terrain. They've been there, done that, they know how it all feels. But here's the real secret Power exchange is rarely about power.

Speaker 1: 25:00

It's about intimacy and it's about creating a space where we can step outside the cages of politeness, productivity and performance and co-exist in raw, exposed truth. For some, bdsm is catharsis, for others it's rebellion, for some it's therapy in leather gloves and for others still, it's simply the only place they feel alive. It's the only place they feel weightless in a world that tells us to be good, to be safe, to be soft. Power exchange gives us permission to be exactly what we are brutal, broken, devoted, divine. And isn't that the point? To be seen in our extremes and worshipped for them. So we've talked about power as concept, as craving, as alchemy. Now let's ground it in the reality of who we become when we step into the scene, because BDSM isn't just about what we do. It's about who we are when we do it and, more than that, it's about who we allow ourselves to be.

Speaker 1: 26:27

Let's start with roles. You might hear the word dominant and picture someone cold, stern liver clad. Well hi, I'm here. No, I am very bubbly. It is one of the reasons why I thought I could not be a dominant because I am bubbly. I am not the usual stereotypical Dom that you would see in porn videos. I know usually I would have pink hair or blue hair, but I've over read this time. But I still don't look like or sound like or act like the traditional dom, especially back in the day or sometimes in porn.

Speaker 1: 27:21

But the truth is, dominance comes in many forms. There are commanding doms who play with authority like a sharpened blade. But the truth is, dominance comes in many forms. There are commanding doms who play with authority like a sharpened blade. There are nurturing doms who discipline as an act of fierce care. There are playful brats, turned brat tamers and ritual-driven masters who want protocol followed down to the blink. And then, of course, there are submissives. Some want to obey, some want to serve, some want to fight tooth and nail until they're dragged into surrender. And trust me, oh my god, I want to rip their teeth out, I want to strangle them. The lovely brats that I've had the pleasure of playing with and the ones who I have tamed. Thank you for the playtime. That was very fun. I still, right now I'm seeing a brat who I have tamed and they're lovely. It's so great.

Speaker 1: 28:35

And others, others want to be broken open, gently, through patience, precision and praise. There are slaves who live for devotion. There are pets who purr in cages, leashed and collared. There are littles who regress and seek caregiving in their most vulnerable soft spaces. And there are service subs who find arachism in polishing boots, preparing tea, kneeling with grace. While I've wrote all three of those in co, they coincide with my own switchiness I'm a pet, I'm a little and I'm a service sub. That is terrible. I wrote that out and, like I didn't even realize, I was writing my own freaking roles. So then we have the arch types.

Speaker 1: 29:38

The sadist not just someone who enjoys causing pain, but someone who delights in witnessing the transformation that pain brings. Someone who knows that the right strike, the right taunt, the right electric pulse can release emotion trapped for decades. Then we have the masochist Not a dormant, not a glutton for punishment, but someone who craves the truth that lives inside pain, someone who knows that agony can be holy, that bruises can be art. I mean, I know when I have bruises they're like little pieces of artwork. I say little pieces of artwork and a lovely trophy. I see my bruises as trophies and I love that. And of course whenever you sit down it hurts and it reminds you of the moment and it's like oh, all flowy in the brain.

Speaker 1: 30:39

So then we have the top and the bottom, different from dom and sub. A top performs the act, a bottom receives it. But that doesn't always mean power is exchanged. You can be a bottom without being submissive. You can be a submissive who only tops. Kink is not a binary, it's a constellation. But here's where things get real. These roles are not costumes, they're expressions of emotional truth.

Speaker 1: 31:19

Playing a role in BDSM is not about acting, it's about revealing, it's about showing someone who you are when the masks drop, when the rules bend, when the pain starts or when the service begins. And with these roles come emotional realities. The high after a painful scene. Emotional realities the high after a painful scene. The drop that follows, called sub drop or top drop, when the hormones crash and the vulnerability hits. So we did talk about the lovely brain chemistry in. So we did talk about previously the lovely chemistry in the brain.

Speaker 1: 32:09

So previously we did do two episodes on the secret art of aftercare in bdsm and that was back in july and I do believe the neurochemistry one was back in may and that one is a two-parter. So if you do want to learn more about that, please go listen up. If I do say so myself, it is very good and it is really detailed. So the quiet aftercare rituals like blankets, chocolate I know I love a hot chocolate and cuddles and blankets and a movie once I'm done with a scene, whether that be I'm in dom mode or sub mode that's my aftercare routine usually and aftercare is different for everybody. So I would definitely say go check out that episode on aftercare.

Speaker 1: 33:27

So these are not accessories to the play, they are the play, because BDSM is emotional labor, intimate labor, spiritual labor. It's not just about beating someone, it's about holding the aftermath. It's not just about beating someone, it's about holding the aftermath. It's not just about kneeling, it's about being seen while you do it. And in these roles, in these realities, we often find the deepest, most devastating truths about who we are. So let's step into the scene. Not the metaphorical one, the literal one the moment when the world falls away and two or more people enter a space designed entirely for power, for sensation, for transformation. A BDSM scene isn't just for kinky sex. It's theatre, ceremony and psychological intensity, wrapped in rope and lit by the low flame of intention. A well-crafted scene has architecture.

Speaker 1: 34:43

It begins long before the first flogger lands. If you don't know what a flogger is, I will do an episode on impact toys. A flogger is a type of whip used in consensual BDSM activities. It typically consists of multiple tails or strands made from leather suede or other materials. So my materials upstairs which I have made out of floggers I have a Ethical rabbit hair flogger, I have a cord flogger. I have a cord flogger, I have a leather wand. So yeah, that's a little bit about what a flogger is.

Speaker 1: 35:32

And before the first command is spoken, before the door even closes, ritual is everything. It might start with silence, eye contact or the presenting of a collar, a sub-kneeling, a dom pacing, a cane laid out just so, a room stripped of distraction. Rituals create a boundary between the outside world and the inner sanctum. It signals we are no longer playing by the rules of everyday. This is our world now.

Speaker 1: 36:08

Then comes the build. Maybe it's sensory blindfolds, feather, ticklers, music, even. Maybe it's verbal, with instructions, insults, affirmations, permissions, affirmations, permissions. Maybe it's physical restraint, tension, teasing, edging until the body is begging for a release or more torment. Rhythm also matters, too fast and the nervous system can't process it. Too slow and the mind may wonder.

Speaker 1: 36:47

The best doms understand rhythm, like musicians. They know when to pause, when to push, when to pull back. They read the breath, the twitch of the thigh and the flickering of the eyes. They play not just on the body but with the body. Climax in the sense may or may not mean orgasm. It may be the moment, the sub sob or a whispered thank you. The scene crests and something changes. Something essential is released or claimed, and then the descent. This is where aftercare begins, where the ropes are untied, the cuffs undone, where the body is covered, hydrated, held, spoken to and loved.

Speaker 1: 37:56

Aftercare is not optional. Again, this is something that you do need to speak to the person with beforehand, figure out what aftercare they've had, if they've done it before, talk about what aftercare options there are and don't worry if you say, for instance, are wrapped in a blanket for the first time and you don't quite like it. That's cool. You can try something else, either in that moment or next time. It like everything in the world, it's not one size fits all. There is a multitude of possibilities of what you possibly are going to like and what fits in with how you want and what feels comfortable for you.

Speaker 1: 38:48

It is the recognition that intense play rewires the nervous system. It is the tender honoring of the fact that even consensual degradation or pain can leave raw edges. It is the sacred responsibility of whoever held that power to now offer softness. Sometimes aftercare can last minutes, sometimes it can last hours, sometimes it extends into the next day and if it does, then you can check in with a message. You know, you can meet up with them, have a coffee, or you can send them a note. It all depends on your language, because the scene doesn't end when the toys are packed away, and I feel like a lot of people, especially newbies in the scene, do not understand that. And hey, I will honestly still call you a newbie if you're not aware of everything which I've just spoken about. I will absolutely still call you a newbie because you need to learn this. This is tradition, these are the rules.

Speaker 1: 40:03

As I keep saying, it's very important, and aftercare ends when you're both comfortable, when the people who you've played with, and you feel whole again. So now we're going to move into the places that make even seasoned players pause, the places where the line between ecstasy and danger becomes exquisitely thin, where control becomes more than erotic, it becomes existential. Welcome to edge play. Existential welcome to edge play. So we will do. Have we done an episode of edge play? That is a question. I think in a few episodes we have hit on edge play just slightly. I will most probably do another episode just solely on edge play. Yes, I think I remember doing it in aftercare and neurochemistry.

Speaker 1: 41:14

So edge play refers to any kink or practice that carries a higher level of physiological, emotional or physical risk. It's not beginner territory. It demands trust, experience and a sober understanding of consequences. Now, previously I have spoke about how, with certain people, edge play can mean many different things. So like, say, cock and ball, that could be edge play to somebody. Caning could be edge play to another, whereas for me edge play is something like needles suturing, usually medical. That's what I see as edge play. Edging is different. Edging is when, usually you, depending on who you're playing with it might just be yourself, but you bring yourself as close to climax as possible and then you let you, don't you just stop. It's fucking torture. I love it slash, hate it. But that's usually what edge play is. Well, but that's edging. Whereas this is edge play, it can get a little bit like messy, but yeah, that's what they're called.

Speaker 1: 42:44

I know fair play is one of the most intense forms of edge play. This is where we weaponize adrenaline, where we whisper threats, drag a blade not to cut but to make the breath hitch, where we invoke terror, consensual terror, and use it to tap into a part of the brain usually reserved for survival. It might look like knife play, where a cold blade traces trembling skin, interrogation scenes filled with shouting, degradation, role reversal, consensual, non-consent or CNC, often known as rape play one of the most taboo and complex dynamics in kink. Now let's be very clear CNC consensual, non-consent is not rape. Cnc is a scripted scene between informed consenting adults who agree to temporarily play with the illusion of force, violation and loss of control. It is a build on more consent, not less.

Speaker 1: 44:06

Now I love telling people that I am into CNC. I have a very traumatic past where I have been raped before and sexually assaulted, and research has showed that when you practice CNC in a safe environment it can actually be therapeutic into feeling safer with somebody and regaining back a part of yourself that, for myself, disappeared. I personally have came a long way in so many different terms. Something as simple as reading a cnc what's the word for it? They have these days oh, smut, smut book, a very filthy smut book. Um, because there's loads of those around now. Back in the day we had like wattpad and now they're just on bookshelves and it's like oh, mr um, oh mr centaur, and like vampire, and it's yeah. So yeah, I'm sure I'll do an episode at some point about how cnc research has showed that it is good, that it does help trauma victims regain a sense of themselves again via.

Speaker 1: 45:40

These. Scenes are only safe when they are clearly negotiated. Safe words and check-ins are respected, aftercare is deep and intentional and both parties know themselves enough to handle what might be stirred up. And let me make this clear edge play is not for everyone, but for some it is the ultimate surrender, the ultimate power trip, the ultimate catharsis. Why? Because the edge is where we meet ourselves. We find out what frightens us, what arouses us despite ourselves, what control looks like when it's tested to the limit. Some people need to be degraded to feel worthy and I know that sounds really messed up. But some people need to feel scared to feel safe. Some need to brush against the idea of death to feel alive and, as twisted as it may sound to outsiders, this is the paradox of edge play. It is in the most dangerous fantasies that some of us feel most loved, because to say to someone I trust you to hurt me, I trust you to scare me, I trust you to take me there and bring me back. That is no small thing whatsoever. That is sacred, that is love, that is kink.

Speaker 1: 47:11

Let's talk about the body not just as a vehicle for pleasure or pain, but as a canvas, a tool and sometimes a sacrifice. In BDSM, the body becomes more than flesh. In BDSM, the body becomes more than flesh. It becomes language and every mark, every bruise, every tremor speaks. We start with sensation. Bdsm isn't only about pain. It's about sensation in all its forms Light, sharp, dull, wet, hot, cold, rough, electric. The sound of leather dragged across skin, the snap of rubber gloves, the sting of a cane, followed by the warm ache that lingers, the tickle of fur, the sudden slap, the slow drag of wax down the spine. Sensation play is orchestral. It's rhythm, it's texture, it's contrast. It's not about hurting, it's about awakening, because in a scene the body is no longer passive, it becomes a site of discovery, a storm system, a battlefield.

Speaker 1: 48:36

Then there's objectification. This is one of the most misunderstood and most powerful tools in BDSM. To objectify someone isn't to devalue them. In kink it's a chosen transformation, a surrender of identity, a deliberate erasure of ego. You might become a table, forced to hold a glass, motionless, while your dom enjoys a drink, a footstool on all fours, quiet, still and available, a toy used, put away and taken out again whenever they please. Objectification is dehumidization as art, but only when both parties understand the depth of the dynamic, because in this context, being made into a thing can paradoxically feel like being seen more clearly than ever before, being claimed. It's about being useful, being shaped into something sacred through submission or control. So let's talk about erotic labour.

Speaker 1: 49:54

Every BDSM scene is a kind of labour the emotional labour of dominance, the physical labour of enduring pain, the cognitive labour of tracking your sub signals, managing intensity, crafting an arc. It takes energy to hold someone down with care. It takes effort to beg with precision, to serve gracefully, to play authentically. We don't talk enough about the fatigue that can follow a scene, the way a dominant might need rest after keeping talk control for hours, the way a submissive might feel wrung out mentally, hormonally, spiritually, and from beyond the scene there is the labour of identity. For those of us whose kink is not a costume but a way of life, like myself, the performance never ends. The way we speak, dress, move, move, the rituals we maintain outside the dungeon, the way a collar is worn, not just in play but in public, discreetly, like a vow I mean to be fair, my collars really aren't discreet. They all have bells on and they're big and I've got ribbons.

Speaker 1: 51:26

Pdsm asks much of the body, but for those of us who live in it, it also gives much in return. It gives clarity, power, belonging. Oh, so it does. It gives the right to say this is mine, my body, my rules, my desires, played out on skin like scripture. So we're going to venture into the heart of BDSM, the part that is often the most difficult for outsiders to understand.

Speaker 1: 52:04

Taboo In many ways, bdsm is built on the foundation of breaking taboos, taking what society tells us is forbidden, dark or wrong, and claiming it as ours To the vanilla world, the normies, the normal people. And if you are on my FetLife, miss Victoria Doll, you will know that I hate the word normal because it is so used as a way to corner and put a gate around the people who, like quote-unquote, aren't normal. It's horrible, I hate it. Sure, I'll do another podcast episode on it. So to the vanilla world.

Speaker 1: 52:55

Kink is transgressional. It is by nature rebellious, but in bdsm, this transgressional is not a symbol of decay, it's a path to freedom. It's a path of expression. Bdsm gives us the space to explore the very things we are taught to repress, the things we fear, the things we long for but dare not to name the darkness we pretend does not exist within us. Why is it that, for some, pain becomes a vehicle for pleasure? Why do humiliation and control feel like they are the keys to deep intimacy? Why do we long for the kind of submission that requires us to surrender, to lose, to disappear? The answer lies in the limitation of taboo, because when we break a taboo consensually, we don't just find pleasure, we find freedom Freedom from shame, freedom from the cultural cages that tell us who we should be and show us who we are.

Speaker 1: 54:21

Bdsm gives us permission to indulge in the parts of ourselves that have been taught to feel wrong, unworthy or unclean. To crave submission is not a flaw, it's an authentic desire. To want to dominate is not an ego trip. It's a need to lead, to feel the thrill of edge play, of risk, of fear. It's not about being broken, but about being whole in our complexity. Breaking taboos in BDSM doesn't mean we're embracing pain or degradation in a mindless way. It means we're choosing to redefine what it means to feel whole in the face of our own complexity. Bdsm tells us you're not broken. In fact, it says you are whole precisely because you contain multitudes. We can be both dominant and vulnerable. We can be both terrified and powerful. We can be both object and subject, and we can be both free and bound. Sometimes it is in our bounds that we are truly set free.

Speaker 1: 55:34

At the heart of BDSM is something simple yet profound Consent. Without consent, there is no BDSM, there is no play, there is no connection, there is no freedom. Consent is the foundation, the bedrock of everything that happens in a scene. It is the negotiation before the toys come out, the check-ins throughout the play, the aftercare that seals the moment with tenderness and trust. But consent is not a one-time thing. It's not a checkbox. It's not a checkbox. It is an ongoing conversation. Consent is dynamic, fluid. It evolves as the players evolve. It changes with the energy, the play and the boundaries of the scene.

Speaker 1: 56:24

We start by establishing informed consent. This means that everyone involved knows what they're agreeing to. They understand the risks, whether they be the physical, emotional and psychological aspects. They know what is on the table and what is off. This is where negotiation comes into play the list of limits, the things that can be explored, the safe words, the hard no's and the hard yes's. Consent also means checking in during scenes.

Speaker 1: 57:03

Just because someone has agreed to do something doesn't mean they're still comfortable with it halfway through. That is very important. The moment the body starts to be tense, the breath quickens, the eyes flicker. You need to feel that change, and if the sub feels that change too, or the bottom, whoever you're playing with, you need to speak up if possible, and don't be ashamed if you can't speak up.

Speaker 1: 57:37

The beauty of BDSM is that, even in the heat of play, you can stop. You can pause, you can reassess the magic of BDSM mutual agency. You both have the right to call the shots to make sure the other is okay to speak the hard truth, even when it feels awkward or you feel ashamed or you feel like you can't. Which brings us us to safe words. This is a non-negotiable. A safe word isn't just a word, it's a symbol of trust. It's the ultimate tool of communication in the heat of play. When a sub calls the safe word, it isn't a failure, it's a success. It means both partners have the capability to listen, to respect, to pause, to care, to respect, to pause, to care. And not only that. You've found their limit. You now have that scene where you can look back at it and go okay, what happened? How do we not fix it, but move around the safe word? What do you do differently?

Speaker 1: 58:58

So consent also is not about just play, it's about accountability. Accountability is the thread that runs throughout bdsm culture. It's a practice that transcends the scene. It means holding each other to the highest standards. It means recognising that in the power exchange, we must both be responsible for each other's well-being. If something goes wrong, if someone feels coerced, unsafe or violated. That accountability cannot be denied. The person responsible must own their actions. It's not enough to say I didn't mean it. If harm is done, the dom must be willing to hold themselves to the same ethical standard they expect their submissive to be. They must be accountable to their partner and to the community itself. And it's not just the doms who must be held accountable. Submissives have the responsibility too. They have the responsibility to communicate their limits, to be honest about their needs, to speak up when they are uncomfortable, even when they want to please. That's very important. They must also ensure that their own boundaries are respected. In the end, bdsm is a mutual respect and mutual trust. When we say I trust you with my body, my mind, my vulnerability, we are not just giving power to someone else. We are co-creating that power. We are holding each other accountable to a standard of care.

Speaker 1: 1:00:52

For many people who engage in BDSM, it is not just a hobby or an occasional indulgence. It is a lifestyle. For me, it's a way of living that shapes how we relate to ourselves, to our bodies and to others. Bdsm is a culture, it's a community, it's a worldview. When we speak of BDSM as identity, we're talking about more than just what happens in the dungeon in play. We're talking about how kink seeps into our everyday lives, how it colours our interactions, our relationships and even our politics. In fact, one of the hallmarks of BDSM as a lifestyle is living authentically In a society that often demands we conform to rigid norms about gender, sexuality and relationships.

Speaker 1: 1:01:54

Bdsm allows us to break free. We get to reject the false narratives about who we should be and embrace the messy, beautiful complexity of who we actually are. This is why BDSM is often described as some kind of liberation. It frees us from societal constraints. It allows us to explore our desires without shame, without guilt and without the weight of mainstream morality. It helps us define our own worth beyond labels, beyond stereotypes, find our own worth beyond labels, beyond stereotypes, beyond external validation. But living in the BDSM lifestyle also means that we sometimes live in the margins. Not everyone understands, not everyone approves. We often are misunderstood, we are often judged. We are often judged, we are often othered. And yet that is part of the beauty In BDSM. We form communities of like-minded people who are seeking something more More authority, more acceptance, more freedom. We create safe spaces to explore, express and to evolve. We build networks of trust that extend far beyond the bedroom into every aspect of our lives.

Speaker 1: 1:03:25

Bdsm is not a fringe activity, it is not a phase. For many of us it is a core part of who we are. It definitely is a core part of who I am. I cannot live without BDSM whatsoever. It informs how we love, how we communicate, how we work, how we create. It's a part of our identity not just sexuality but our existence. In fact, for those who live it, bdsm might be the truest form of self-expression available. As we're reaching the final part of this podcast, we're going to talk about the future of BDSM, where we've came from and where we are now and where we're headed.

Speaker 1: 1:04:17

Bdsm has came a long way since its more underground roots. It's once something. It was once something hidden in the shadows, whispered about in secret forums or tucked away in the dimly lit back rooms. Now it has emerged into mainstream. It is more visible than ever before, thanks to pop culture representation like Fifty Shades of Grey, but also due to the tireless work of those who have fought to make kink visible, understood and normal.

Speaker 1: 1:04:55

But with that visibility comes new challenges. First, there is the risk of misinterpretation. Bdsm is often reduced to, to caricature, or misinterpreted as abuse or deviant. Mainstream portrayals sometimes fail to capture the complexity, consent and care that are the true cornerstones of BDSM culture. This can lead to misunderstandings both inside and outside of the community. New players might come into the scene with unrealistic expectations or without fully understanding the ethics involved. We are still fighting for accurate, nuanced portrayals of BDSM, especially as it intersects with sexuality, gender and power.

Speaker 1: 1:05:46

And there's also the issue of commodification. As BDSM gains popularity, there's a risk that it will become diluted or commercialized. We've already seen what happens to some degree with the rise of BDSM lite content and the commodification of kink for profit and the commodification of kink for profit. So how do we preserve the integrity and authenticity of the scene while also allowing it to be enjoyed by those who may not engage with it as a lifestyle? At the same time, technology is changing the way we engage with BDSM.

Speaker 1: 1:06:26

The rise of online communities, virtual scenes and tech-assisted play like sex robots or AI is expanding the reach of kink. For some, this opens up new possibilities for exploring the desires safety, anonymously and conveniently. For others, it creates new questions about intimacy, consent and authenticity. As BDSM continues to grow, we must also face the challenges of safety. The more people who engage with kink, the greater the responsibility to ensure that everyone is educated about the risks and the responsibilities. The more we expand, the more we must reinforce the importance of ethics, boundaries and aftercare. Ensuring that BDSM is safe, consensual and caring, whether online or in person, will always be a priority, but with growth comes opportunity will always be a priority, but with growth comes opportunity. We have the chance to continue breaking down stigmas, to push the boundaries of what's possible and to create a culture of kink that is inclusive, welcoming and empathetic.

Speaker 1: 1:07:56

The future of BDSM is one of connection, both physical and emotional. It is about creating spaces where people can explore desires without shame, judgment or fear. It is about empowering individuals to be true to themselves and each other. The future of BDSM is about evolution. We are constantly learning, constantly evolving, constantly exploring new ways of thinking about power, submission, dominance and intimacy.

Speaker 1: 1:08:25

It is an exciting time to be a part of the BDSM community. The possibilities are endless and for some, the journey is just beginning, and this is why I love doing this podcast, because I really want to educate so many people on certain aspects of BDSM. Because, hey, if the government ain't gonna do it, we might as well do ourselves. So thank you very, very much for listening to Behind the Paddle podcast with me, paulson Victoria, and if you like this episode, please go give us some lovely stars, some likes on spotify apple, wherever you're listening, and give us a follow. If you want any topics to be discussed, if you want to come on the show, then just give us an email and thank you so much for listening and goodbye.