Introduction to Aftercare

Speaker 1 0:57

Hello and welcome back to Behind the Pad podcast with me , paulson , victoria , and today we are going to talk about aftercare . Now , aftercare , it means a lot to me , just because it's something that I had to learn and I had to figure out and I honestly did not realize what aftercare was or like that it existed . So , yeah , welcome to behind the battle podcast . Um , I don't know if I've already said it . I'm posting Victoria , I'm probably going over myself , but , yeah , today we are going to talk about aftercare in BDSM . But , honestly , aftercare also you can include it in sex , like once you've had sex with somebody , you cuddle them , that is aftercare . But we't be like an afterthought , it is like the final chapter of ending the scene that you have just done with somebody , whether that be sex or in kink . So this episode , I feel like , is only going to be like 30 minutes , something like that , because I feel like aftercare can be straightforward on the most part and especially when you understand it . The main difficult thing is understanding what aftercare is good for you , what aftercare really works for yourself , for your mind and your body . Now , we did previously talk about um the chemicals in BDSM , so like dopamine , serotonin , cortisol , um on the brain and that was episode 60 and that was neurochemistry of BDSM , dopamine , serotonin and the brain . On kink , we did part one and part two . Now they're really , really good episodes . So if you really want to dive into the whole neurochemistry of aftercare and what happens with the chemicals , then I would definitely suggest diving into that . And , yeah , I really enjoyed that episode that we did . But I wanted to do solely one episode just on aftercare . So you don't need to know all the chemicals and things like that . Like you , you don't need to be overloaded with information unless you want to be , whereas this episode is going to be a quite slimmed down version , let's say so , yeah , aftercare , it's vital for most people not everybody , but for a good majority of us it is quite vital .

Speaker 1 4:13

So , at its simplest , aftercare is an act of tending to one's needs after intense play . But , as I've just said , it is much , much more . It is re-entry , it is the consensual return from an alternate state , it is the co-regulation of nervous systems , the containment of open hearts , the remembering of who we are beyond what we just became . So its origins are rooted in early leather and kink cultures , where no scene was considered complete without its ending of care , even the hardest edge players edging . We've already covered that a little bit . I'll do another episode on what edging is .

Speaker 1 5:10

But edge , edge play is something which everybody has their interpretations of what edge play is . So , for example , somebody kicking you in the bollocks that could be edge play to somebody . Somebody using a certain impact toy that could be edge play to you . Somebody doing strangulation that could be edge play . We all have our own definitions on what edge play is . But even the hardest edge players those who branded flesh or used breath control , understood this . If you take someone to the brink , you carry them , and again , this can even mean sex , like just because something can seem extreme to one person doesn't mean it's not extreme for another . Yes , I said that right .

Speaker 1 6:15

So in leather circles , aftercare was often wordless A dominant rubbing lotion into a freshly flogged back , offering water , pressing their body to yours in silence , a silent act of reverence . In professional dominatrix spaces , grounding rituals like brushing the submissive's hair , bathing a submissive , redressing them , passed down as sacred ways of closure . Now I know from being a professional dominatrix of eight years years that I've brushed subs hairs . Um , I have cuddled them , held them close . I've sat there and watched a movie with them . Afterwards . I have spoken gently to them um , what else have I done , gosh ? A multitude of things , but that's just a few . You , there is endless ways of doing aftercare , basically , and we all have our own little way . And it's something in the professional aspect , um , area sorry , that aspect where I ask the people who I'm playing with whether they're kinksters , submissives , slaves , um , crossdressers , whoever it is , it doesn't matter on the role . I mean , even doms need aftercare . Believe it or not , we're all human .

Speaker 1 8:07

Um , I like to teach a lot , hence the podcast and teaching people about aftercare is amazing , because the response I get with something as simple as me saying hey , so what have you done aftercare before ? Do you know what it is ? And a lot of the time , honestly , people do not know what it is and they've never heard about it . And I love slash hate that . I love it because I get to teach them , I get to show them a new form of love , really , and I hate it because I have to teach them in the way that they don't know , and it's sad , but it's loving at the same time . It's a good , um , it's a mixed feeling , because you want people to be aware of their bodies . You want them to know and understand what's happening within themselves , but sadly , we just don't get taught that and a lot of the information as well is online based .

Speaker 1 9:23

Um , I know that , when it comes to certain things , that there's not a lot of education , and this is why there needs to be more open spaces , there needs to be talks . There needs to be so much more when it comes to freedom and knowledge . It is that whole knowledge is power , in a way , when it comes to ourselves . So , as I've already spoke about , aftercare isn't just emotional , it's also chemical , it's neurological , it's biological . During intense bdsm scenes , particularly those involving power exchange , pain , restraint or catharsis , the body enters an altered state . Now again , even just after having sex , aftercare can be needed and it should always be thought about , even in the most quote vanilla situations where there is no kink or anything like that .

Speaker 1 10:36

Aftercare even though I'm mentioning a lot of to do with BDSM because it is quite focused in that sector please do not forget , even if you just have sex with somebody ,

The Neurochemistry Behind Aftercare

Speaker 1 12:53

don't roll over after sex , unless you guys have came to that decision and you've talked . There's communication , then that's fine . There needs to be communication in what you want to happen . After something vanilla as sex , or a blowjob or oral , whatever it is , there needs to be that communication talking about altered state like not metaphorically literally . So the neurochemistry shifts , the nerve system dances on a knife's edge . So here's what's happening underneath the skin .

Speaker 1 13:36

Again , we go deeper into this on episode 60 , neurochemistry of the brain . I'm going to try and not butcher this word . Um , so you've got adrenaline and norepinephrine search , so the pupil's dialy focus sharpens and the body prepares for danger , even if it's consensual . And then you've got the endorphins , the body's natural painkillers . Now , I love endorphins , so I'm a switch and if , for instance , if I'm doing a cane scene and you do like the warm-up and things in between , I want to say for myself , in between the warm-up and proper going at it , um , the endorphins happen and I can cope a lot more and I can do a lot more when it comes to caning , which obviously means I get more bruises and marks , which is nice for somebody like myself . But yeah , endorphins , they are the body's natural painkillers . Um , they flood to the bloodstream .

Speaker 1 14:56

A euphoric high is then triggered . So if anybody has felt that in a scene , that's what it is . So then we have the dopamine . That reinforces everything . It builds pleasure , anticipation , reward , especially when scenes involve taboo novelty or even role play . And then we have oxytocin , which binds us together . It's released during trust-based touch and eye contact , because , oh , that eye contact is for me , I like . I like eye contact quite a bit and it's often mistaken for love oxytocin . And finally we have cortisol , the stress hormone , fucking stress . It spikes in moments of fear , intensity and unpredictability . It lingers longer after the scene ends . Okay , keep that in mind .

Speaker 1 16:14

So all that can not everybody can go into a subspace , but it can create a subspace for submissives , a heady , altered realm marked by euphoria , floatiness , time distortion , you can even have speech difficulty and , of course , extreme vulnerability for dominance . It's a parallel , but a different state can emerge dom space , hyper-focused . There's flow , there's precision , there's detachment from everyday moral rules , which can be said for the bottom , the sub , as well , because when you're in this state , everything goes out your mind . Basically , you don't care about your shopping list , you don't care about the bills that need to be paid , you don't think about , like , the dry cleaning that needs to be picked up , you don't think about things like that . You , you forget , but it's a good forget and it's nice , and aftercare helps us metabolize this shift . Without it , the drop can be horrible , it can be brutal , it's not nice .

Speaker 1 17:38

So emotionally it might look like sudden guilt or shame , crying or withdrawal , anxiety , loss of connection and even panic . And I know that even I've been there when I've not understood how the hell I feel after a scene , how the hell I feel after a scene , and this was going back many , many years in my start years , because I started practicing BDSM at the age of 15 in person , not like professionally , like lifestyle . That's a whole different story of my life . But I just didn't understand why I felt like so lost after a scene and like I couldn't I don't know how to explain it like I couldn't feel anything , like I didn't know what to feel . And there was times where I just like cried and like that . There's like so many emotions going through as well where , like it's not even emotions , it's just like cried and like that . There's like so many emotions going through as well where , like it's not even emotions , it just like all comes together and it feels so much , too much , and you just cry and like this is this is what I mean . It's like we need to be told about all this and it's freaking essential , especially if you're doing BDSM or if you are having vanilla sex and if you've had trauma beforehand .

Speaker 1 19:19

Heck , yeah , aftercare is 10 out of 10 needed . I would say . Unless you've communicated , I would always assume aftercare . But communicate , communicate so much . So , yeah , that's what it can look like . And then physically , muscle soreness , fatigue , nausea and you can even have headaches or insomnia . So , according to the 2020 kink health study by the national coalition for sexual freedom , 82 percent of BDSM practitioners reported experiencing post-scene emotional disruption , often referred to as drop , and 76% found that intentional , structured , structured aftercare reduce both the intensity and duration of the drop by over half .

Speaker 1 20:29

Aftercare really stabilizes the nerve system . It reintegrates the psyche . It helps both partners , regardless of the roles . It's very important . I will be just using um subdom as examples , because there's so many roles out there . It goes for everyone . We're all human , as I've just said at the start . So , yeah , regardless of your role , return not to normal , but to wholeness .

Speaker 1 21:02

Aftercare is not one size fits all . It is relational medicine and , like all medicine , it must be tailored . Let's walk through the most common types , okay . So physical aftercare you've got like hydration food , you've got blankets , you've got your touch okay , and then you've got attending to any marks or bruises , rope burns any soreness . So say for like after a suspension scene , the rigger , who is the person who ties and does the rope , slowly , lowers their partner , checks for nerve damage and wraps them in like a heated blanket and talks to them while doing it , giving them cute affirmations and saying nice words .

Speaker 1 21:58

I know for myself , I like cuddles . I like very much in my lifestyle . I am um , predominantly submissive more than Dom , and I like cuddles , so I like to be the one who , who is being cuddled , and whether I'm Dom or Sub , whatever role I am , I like a hot chocolate afterwards as well . I've turned that into like a ritual . So emotional aftercare , so like words of affirmation , non-verbal holding , validating tears or laughter , so like after degradation play . A submissive might need to hear you're not those words , you're my heart , you are held , you're mine , you're cherished .

Speaker 1 22:56

Now I can understand that very much , where there is a scene and then there is real life , whereas in a scene you could talk about how they're a slut , a whore , how nobody's gonna love them and they're always just gonna be trash and then out of scene

Types of Aftercare Explained

Speaker 1 23:22

I love you so much or just like cuddling them and just telling them that they mean the world to them . And so the mental slash . Long-term aftercare so right , aftercare , the . The drop can take days , it might even take weeks or it might take minutes . Everybody is different . Again , this is where communication comes in and this is where communication is extremely vital . So you could , to help understand yourself better , you could absolutely journal I would definitely suggest that to anybody who is neuro spicy definitely journal and and remember that way , by journaling what you're feeling , how you're feeling , when you're feeling .

Speaker 1 24:21

Yeah , so there's dream tracking . Our subconsciousness continues to process intense scenes long after they end , just like traumatic events , peak experiences . Peak experiences and can appear in our dreams as symbolic stories , reoccurring images or emotional echoes . Now , you can imagine that if you did say like an interrogation scene or like if you feared in any way , then that can actually turn into a nightmare and we don't really want that . So dream tracking involves writing down dreams in a journal in the days following a scene , noting reoccurring symbols like colors , darkness , animals , water , confinement , um , yeah , basically , anything basically , and paying attention to the emotional tone . So , as I said , if it's fear , release , arousal or shame , or if it's euphoric , and exploring how the dream relates to what was experienced in the scene . This isn't just about the interpretation . It's about integration .

Speaker 1 25:43

Dreams often process things we're not fully conscious of . A dream involves being chased , restrained or protected , might reflect unresolved emotional residues from the scene . Tracking these can help you understand your body's wisdom and deepen your self-awareness . For dominants and submissives alike , dream tracking can act as a bridge between the somatic and the spiritual , between the scene and the soul , if you do think there is a soul . But we all dream , most of us , most of us dream . But that can help if you do .

Speaker 1 26:26

And then we have feedback loops . Feedback loops are an intentional , ongoing part of relationship-centered aftercare . They turn the one-way experience of giving or receiving care into a shared reflective process , and this includes post-scene debrief conversations like what worked , what didn't work . I know that after a scene I ask that a hundred percent . Um , you might want to wait until later , until they're properly fully out of their headspace . Carry on with the aftercare , but maybe not overload them with questions about what they liked about the scene and what they didn't like and all that stuff . You've got to take that into consideration . So , yeah , there's that , the conversation debrief and everything which I would encourage at some point because it is helpful .

Speaker 1 27:23

So , and depending on who you're playing with , you could do anonymous or written feedback , especially it's especially helpful for neurodivergent partners . Um , you've got time , delayed reflections , so now that , as I said , if it's been a few days , you could ask them like it all depends on the communication of you both , when you think it's okay mentally to talk about what you can do , what you can't do and like how was it for each other , and asking and answering things like did anything stick with you unexpectedly ? Was anything emotionally tender or surprising ? Was anything we didn't talk about beforehand more intense than expected ? Because , especially if you're new to BDSM or doing a certain scene , it can be very different , especially if you've watched porn , for example . I know a lot of clients of mine that and in general , where they want to do like a strap-on scene and it it looks way better in porn than it feels in real life , and sometimes that happens with other kinks as well .

Speaker 1 28:52

So , again , these feedback moments can strengthen trust . It definitely enhances your skills when it comes to communication and how you do treat your partners and I say partners in a way where , like whoever you're playing with and you know it can help prevent emotional misattunement , it can increase your confidence and theirs , whoever you're playing with . They also allow dominant switches , tops to receive praise , challenge or emotional collaboration . As much as people can say aftercare is just for submissives , no , it's actually for everybody , including the tops , the doms , the person who you're playing with . It's for everybody . It's not just no submissives can only have aftercare . Like no , let me , no , let me tap on that noggin of yours and like educate you . Everybody needs like to think and talk about aftercare , and aftercare definitely is there and it's for everybody and , I think , for whatever role you are , when you talk , when you communicate , it offers a safe space to voice each other's needs and boundaries and to talk about maybe even deeper desires . Again , communication is key to so much . So therapy , um , as integration .

Speaker 1 30:33

Sometimes scenes touch things that therapy is uniquely suited to help process , especially if the scene evoked past trauma . Way , if it's , if my partner , um , or who I'm playing with , rushes to like , rushes in , like , moves frantically , I might get spooked , and I know previously from my past trauma I've had to work through that , not freaking me out , um , and also with me . I have been raped in the past . So going , say , blindfolded or or it just happening too fast in a scene and being restrained as well , yeah , it can bring up a lot of trauma . It definitely can , and it's not something we should feel guilt about or shame .

Speaker 1 31:54

I know that I've been there where I've ended up crying and I feel like I've ruined the scene and I've ruined the whole bloody night and you know you might not get a chance to see this person again for a while , or this was meant to be something important for each other . And now you have this shame of crap because of my trauma . I've just ruined it . No , you haven't ruined it . You are on the way to recovery . Just keep out the communication and you could even talk about this in therapy with somebody but a therapist or you could just talk to your partner who you're playing with and break down what you think triggered you and why and what you can do to help that in the future .

Speaker 1 32:52

But I never , ever want somebody to feel like they have to feel guilty or shamed , like no shush , because things can happen . Say , for instance , you're getting spanked and then you have a fucking flashback of like your dad spanking you . I know that sounds really fucking weird , but something from childhood or or an earlier relationship can come up , okay . So I know that sounded really fucking weird , but that's the only thing which I could come up with in my head , because my dad used to spank me and that's just . Yeah , that was weird , but that's the one thing which I could think about , rather than like more dramatic stuff like essay and things but also deep , deep catharsis can occur , so like tears , laughter , shaking , spiritual awakenings and left a sense of emotional rawness and left a sense of emotional rawness .

Speaker 1 34:02

Therapists , especially kink aware or trauma-informed ones , can help players unpack not just what happened but why it impacted them the way it did . Therapy also provides a neutral space for exploring ethical dilemmas and edge play , conflicting feelings around vulnerability , exposure or shame , desire , arousal and identity shifts that may be catalyzed . So this is what I mean where , like , you can talk to your partner as much as you want , but maybe sometimes you might need to just speak to somebody else , somebody who has already heard other people's lives and helped them through it and an unbiased opinion , an unbiased look on how you're feeling and everything like that , and hopefully know why and again , you can journal all these . I would definitely recommend it , journaling every experience , every feeling , every trigger . So now we're gonna go talk about ritualistic aftercare . So ritualistic aftercare , especially in powerful high protocol or spiritual kink dynamics , can help enhance the aftercare , with washing feet , burning incense , returning collars ,

Aftercare for Dominants & Tops

Speaker 1 35:33

um , talking about mantras , maybe whispering them , and yeah , again , everybody has their thing and you just got to figure it out , you experiment and communicate .

Speaker 1 35:50

So now we're going to talk about aftercare for the dominance . Again , it honestly kind of can be the same , because I know after me doming somebody and after me being submissive , I still want my hot chocolate and honestly it can have the same effects . So symptoms of um top drop , so like exhaustion , loss of focus , anxiety , even shame sometimes , and irritability or withdrawal . And I know with myself I do space out after um , I've had a good session , I like to say um . So I do get a loss of focus and of course I'm exhausted . I get shame if , like , I've missed , like , say , if I always go back to caning somebody because I feel like it's so easy for me to say um as an example . So say , for instance , I'm caning somebody and I missed where I was gonna hit , yeah , I will hold that shame and like guilt , I will feel really fucking bad , even though I've apologized .

Speaker 1 37:06

So , as I've said , I like a hot choccy after a scene and I like it being made for me . That's even better . But having a hot chocolate cuddling up on the couch , or being on the couch by myself and curling up in a blanket and putting on one of my favorite movies , um to like try and ground myself and be there , be there in the moment in a way . And some doms and some subs like quiet , they really do . I know that one sub . He just told me that he likes to just eat a tub of chocolate afterwards , a tub of chocolate ice cream . I was like , oh , okay , that's fine , that's okay . And it was like after a four-hour session , I was just like , okay , you do , you , you know what works for you .

Speaker 1 38:04

And , of course , compliments affirmations can go both ways . In a 2021 Archives of Sexual Behaviour study , over 70% of dominants reported experiencing emotional drop post-scene , but less than half felt supported by their community . So we need to do better . We need to absolutely do better in every single way . Just keep going top , keep going to the top in every single way . Just keep going top , keep going to the top and , as I said after k isn't just for those who receive it's , for those who give it's , for those who can watch as well , like everybody , like yes , yes . So I thought I'd put together a few play styles just to give you examples of maybe what you would like to do for aftercare and communication as well . So , for example , with rope play , suspension or tight binding can induce trance ,

Aftercare for Different Play Styles

Speaker 1 39:15

euphoria or disorientation .

Speaker 1 39:17

Now , if you listen to the most recent episodes of behind the battle podcast so episode 72 and 74 we talked to a lovely mistress in lifestyle and in professional , miss fayeaye Morgan . We talked about Rope . They are absolutely amazing . Please go check out those episodes if you have any interest in Rope . They are such an open book about it and they know so much it was crazy when they kept talking . But , yeah , there was a part where we spoke about how because you can disorientate and you can be in a trance that I believe she mentioned . That believe she mentioned that if she needs to check on her bottom , then she asks for them to squeeze their hand and like that's , that's , that's good , that's really good , and then you know , if the hand doesn't squeeze , then you can double , triple check , they're okay and things .

Speaker 1 40:33

So post-scene care may require slow , intentional untying . There's no need to rush to untie somebody unless , um , you're causing damage or , like you know they need to be , um , gotten down immediately or untied immediately and , honestly , you wouldn't really be untying them . You would be getting your rope scissors which you should have on hand at all times when you're doing rope and just fucking cut the rope . I don't care if the rope costs loads of money , do it , just cut it , it just cut it . And you've got ground touching as well and checking for nerve compression , so you could also dim the lights and do a gentle re-entry . So , like , you can ask them like , where in your body are you now ? Can you feel your toes , and so on . So you've got impact play as well .

Speaker 1 41:38

The adrenaline surge is often followed by a hard crash . I know this for a fact . I love personally on myself impact play Not too harsh , but I do enjoy impact play and I do feel that hard crash afterwards . So the muscles may ache for days and you can offer like cuddles , water , food , warmth and the long-term care which is like checking bruises , putting lotions on , and if you're not there in person , then check up with them with messages like morning messages and yeah , just be in there , dude , just be in there for them . And then you have fair play and also cnc , which is consensual , non-consent , the admit , the laugh activates deeply and the cortisol surges .

Speaker 1 42:42

Post-scene you can offer verbal reassurances , you can allow time for emotional processing and potentially tears , but avoid forced positivity . So what is forced positivity ? So it happens when someone , often with the best intentions , tries to immediately reassure their partner with platitudes or blanket affirmations that bypass the complexity of what just occurred and this might look like don't worry , it was just a scene , you're fine now . Right , that was so hot , I'm sure you loved it . See , you're strong , you handled it . You said you wanted it that way .

Speaker 1 43:34

Remember , even if spoken kindly , these responses can feel invalidating to the submissive or bottom who's experiencing vulnerability , confusion or emotional processing . Why ? Because cnc deliberately blurs the boundaries between fantasy and threat , doesn't always know the difference . The brain knows it was consensual , but the body may still react as if real harm occurred , and that's not wrong . That's how trauma and intensity work . Wrong . That's how trauma and intensity work .

Speaker 1 44:19

So validating what emerged means honoring all post-scene emotional responses , even the ones that feel contradictory , messy or unsexy . It means acknowledging that what happened was intense and that intensity deserves a space , and this sounds like I'm here with you . Whatever you're feeling is okay . You don't have to be okay right now . I'll stay . What's coming up for you ? You can tell me anything . That was a lot . You were brave and you're safe now . Even if we agreed to this , I know your body went through something real . You're not too much . I can hold all of this .

Speaker 1 45:02

Validating does not mean reinforcing false skill or encouraging disassociation . It simply means holding space for the truth , cnc play and fear . Play can unlock intense and conflicting emotions , and all of them are worthy of care . So examples of what might emerge after are things like tears or trembling that weren't present during the scene , delayed anger or confusion again disorientation or shame , unexpected euphoria or emotional numbness , sudden need for quiet solitude or non-verbal holding , spiritual or existential questions about identity , worth , safety or power . Some players also experience deep self-trust or arousal in hindsight , and that too is valid . But rushing towards only the pleasurable or affirming reactions can leave a partner feeling alone with the rest .

Speaker 1 46:12

So the next one we're going to talk about is age play . Just again a little bit . I just really wanted to go more deeply into cnc because it does resonate with myself , um , and I do feel like there can be a lot of not no knowledge of how to deal with that . So if anybody wants these little mini um kinks and topics expanded on , please tell me and I would love to hear about it and I can make a podcast episode about it . So age play littles . Um , littles may need extended time in their regressed headspace before transitioning back . So think about like stuffies , teddy bears , snacks , cozy blankets , maybe their favorite movie . Um , gentle words of affirmations like you're safe , we're done . Now avoid sudden adult conversations right away . So my recording right now is coming up to nearly an hour and I love that . I said , oh , this might be a quick episode , like half an hour . This is gonna be more than half an hour .

Speaker 1 47:31

So negotiating aftercare before a scene . As I said , communication really needs to be there . So I would a hundred percent suggest you talk about aftercare right at the get-go , before you enter the scene , so you have questions for them , just like what does care look like for you ? And then you can give them examples if they don't quite know , and like yeah , you can just say things as simple as like do you want words , do you want silence , you want touch , do you want space afterwards , like , um , another important thing is , like , what signals that you're like back in your body ? How am I meant to tell that you're either coming out of subspace or you're wanting to stay in there ? Or you can have that adult conversation afterwards and you know you , you can ask them

When Aftercare Fails & How to Repair

Speaker 1 48:33

their history , if they have dropped before or , like , what has happened with them after a scene and yeah , that's bdsm relationships , vanilla sex communication . So , yeah , I think , honestly , this is where I'm gonna end , end this episode to be . Yeah , I think so .

Speaker 1 48:54

I could go on and on and on into different little sectors , like in long distance relationships or in poly relationships or just going , basically just going over myself . Also talk about gender and neurodivergence and disability and different types of kinks as well , and yeah , I think , um , yeah , one of the last things I'm going to mention is like when aftercare fails and sometimes it does , let's , let's be honest , sometimes we do miss the mark with aftercare and sometimes common reason for aftercare fails are again a mismatch of expectations . One person wants silence , the other wants cuddles . You could have burnout so like the tops running on empty and may go into autopilot . Um , assumptions , it was casual , so I didn't think they needed anything neurodiversions , sensory needs aren't accounted for , and relational misunderstanding . So , like , the level of emotional intimacy was just not aligned . And again , all these can be dived into separately , but this it would have to be part one and part two and I don't know how I feel about doing that . I don't know if you guys would want to go deeper into every little thing , but if you guys do , I will happily make another part of this .

Speaker 1 50:35

Yeah , how do you , how do you repair the failure of a failed aftercare ? So , like attempting to repair it with just words . They're great , but actions can also mean a lot as well . So here's some examples of just how you can attempt attempt is a big word , because you might not be able to repair , um , the relationship that you actually had . You know it's sad , but it happens . So you can attempt having a phone call or leaving a voice message , even if it's late , that says that they mattered and they still matter , and you know you want to work through it and things . You could have a walk together , a nice quiet conversation and just try and reconnect the nervous systems . You could have a planned reconnection scene negotiated anew , not to erase the past , but to write a new memory of being held after intensity . Of course , you can write a letter as well , which I like letters . I find them very deep .

Speaker 1 51:54

You could attempt to repeat the aftercare that was missed , like again having a cuddle , watching a movie or a bath , um , yeah , all words of affirmation . Or you could create a new ritual to prevent future misattunement , like an aftercare checklist , so every time you have a scene , you could look at the checklist and remember . Or even something . If you're a neurodivergent , you could set like a calendar reminder , so like when you think the scene is going to end . You could set a reminder like half an hour before the scene ends , um , have it pop up on your phone and have it being like oh , aftercare . And , like you know , try and do it that way .

Speaker 1 52:46

You can also need aftercare just solo , playing by yourself . So don't forget that you don't . You don't always need somebody with you to think , oh , I need aftercare , no , you can just have aftercare , um , while you're playing with yourself as well , and I think that's all I'm gonna do for this episode . And yeah , aftercare is literally like it's a little ritual which needs to be done and it needs to be remembered and it's very important for your nervous system . So , whether you're a dominant , a submissive , a switch , a professional or solo explorer , you need to remember that what happens after the scene is not an afterthought . It is the heartbeat , it is the tether , it is the part that turns BDSM into communion . So , until next time , so until next time .

Speaker 1 53:51

This has been Behind the Bad Podcast with me , paulson , victoria , and I hope you guys have enjoyed this episode . You can listen to us on Spotify , apple and , yeah , please do not forget to review us and please give us five stars . It really , really helps , especially with the algorithm , since we talk about a lot of with the algorithm , since we talk about a lot of taboo and shadowban subjects . So thank you very much for listening and bye .