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Hello and welcome back to Behind the Padder Podcast with Me Boss and Victoria. Today, well, this is quite a controversial topic, I feel, and first and foremost, this is my opinions, and you'll see. So today we're going to be talking about secrets in the sheets, cheating husbands. Now, this is a very tender topic, okay? We're gonna be stepping into the bedroom and not just for fun. We're pulling open the drawer of secrets, hidden fetishes, quiet urges, and those deeply human moments when a husband or partner finally tells the truth to the person they love the most. We're talking about the difference between being honest and being unfaithful, between sharing a kink and hiding it with someone else, between keeping secrets and finally being real. So here's the thing. Research shows nearly half of people in relationships are hiding a sexual desire from their partner. Nearly half? And the main reasons? Fear of being judged, fear of being rejected, fear of breaking something they might never be able to fix. So what makes a man bury his desires for decades? Why do so many wait until they're breaking or already broken to speak? And when the truth finally comes out, what happens next? Well, we're gonna explore that in this episode. And we have first person encounters when it comes to my clients and what they have said to me. Picture this a man lies beside his wife for 15 years. She knows how he takes his tea, how he folds his socks, if at all. She knows the sound of his real laugh and the fake one he uses when he's pretending he's fine. But she doesn't know yet that he fantasizes about being tied up, denied, teased until he begs. She doesn't know he wants her to take control, not playfully, but fully, erotically, completely. He's imagined telling her hundreds of times, and every time he hasn't. Because society has taught him that men are supposed to want only one thing: control, strength, authority. From the time they're boys, they're told not to cry, not to show weakness, not to let anyone see them surrender. So of course, when that same man fantasizes about being vulnerable, about handing over his power, it feels dangerous to do that with the person he truly loves. Almost like a betrayal of what it means to be a man. And women? We're taught the opposite. Be soft, be giving, be accommodating. And when we want power, especially sexual power, we're told we're cold, we're too much, unfeminine. So marriages become a standoff. He hides his needs for surrender. She hides her hunger for control. And in that silence, intimacy starts to fade. One sex therapist once said, Secrecy is the biggest killer of desire. And it's true. Secrets don't just hide our kinks, they eat away at closeness. I want to share a message from a listener, anonymized, with permission, of course. He wrote in saying, I just wanted to reach out to say thank you for giving me the confidence to speak to my wife about my fetishes. For the past two months, we've been enjoying our journey together. It's been all about her, but we both feel we've grown so much closer. Now that was months ago. Today he and his wife are still exploring this new path together. And I absolutely love that. It started simply. No floggers, no latex, just little acts of service and control. He worshipped her feet, he took over chores, she told him when he could and couldn't touch himself. He described being denied an orgasm for three weeks not with frustration, but with reverence. He used the word exhilarating, and he admitted, quote, I know I'm not the only husband who wanted to bring this up, but shield away for so many reasons. And it's so lovely. And he's right. Studies have shown that men in particular often hold back because they fear being seen as less masculine. And women, many are afraid of being judged as weird if they admit they're turned on by power or control. But here's the hopeful part. When couples do talk about fantasies, research shows their sexual satisfaction, satisfaction, and closeness actually go up, not down. The fear is often worse than the reality. And for the clients who I have seen, who we're gonna get more deeper into this, but the clients who I have seen and they have told their wives or partners, or they're just going into the dating scene, and they've asked my advice on if they should tell their potential future partners what they're into, then I've simply just told them tell the truth. Especially if you are going into the dating game, because you are there fresh, and I remember saying to this lovely lad who liked extreme fisting. He asked me about dating, and I said, Okay, do you think you can ever live without getting fisted ever again? Do you think you'd be able to hide it in secrecy cheating? Going out and seeing another mistress behind your partner's back. And his answer was simple. No. And I think there is a lot of layers to why men do not tell their wives or partners about their sexual desires. And it really comes from a wider spectrum, and it's like a big spider diagram when you look at it, because loads of things tick off of each other. Where oh, this is how men are, and this is why they have become what they've become. Society very much has played a massive part in how men see themselves and how women see themselves. Right now, in this day and age, where people are breaking away from the norms, what they have been caged to do, and taught and ordered to act and behave a certain way. And now as a society, we're looking at it and we're going, am I really happy? Is this really what I want? And it really does make me sad where I do have clients in their 50s, 60s, 70s, even, and they just haven't been true to themselves. And so they lead this life of, well, they're some of them are very ashamed that they are into these kinks. And so, even from the get-go of having a partner, they've seen other women to fulfill their fantasies because society doesn't allow them to be themselves. They don't want to feel like an outcast, they don't want to feel weird, and this goes for women as well. Sadly, they have grown up in the day and age when it comes to talking about 30 plus men and women. They've grown up in a day and age where you had to be a certain way and you had to put on a smile, and you had to do things the traditional way. You couldn't be out there, you couldn't like something as simple as spanking. But thankfully, now we are fighting for the freedom to do what we like and explore. And it does make me really upset that I do have clients that see me and they don't enjoy that they're cheating, but they need to in a way, because this is what they've always known. For me, from a work perspective, is very hard to judge, and I'm sure other sex workers can understand, like maybe from the start, oh yeah, I'm sure there was judging. But when you have been in the industry as long as I have, eight years, oh my gosh, then you learn the psychology behind it and how society has formed people, and it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. And that shouldn't excuse the behavior of men who do cheat, but try and put yourself in their shoes. Many, many years ago, where, say, in the 70s, 80s, I mean hell, even the 90s, if you said you liked getting pegged, you would be framed as gay, I would imagine. You would have so many slurs thrown at you. It really was not the right day and age to be anything but straight. That's what you had to be. And I'm not saying just because you like to be pegged means like you're gay or anything like that. I'm saying that it was out the norm. And I mean, hell, even in this day and age, I'm still getting clients who say, Oh, I'm not gay, I just like to be pegged. And it's like, that's okay. Your pleasure spots are in your ass. Like, that's fine. We all want to be pleasured. It doesn't, it shouldn't make you have to question your sexuality just to get pleasured. But that is how society has formed us. And I find it really lovely and beautiful that when I do have clients who are in my age range or younger, I'm 26, and they have told their partners, and their partners are aware, and it's like an open relationship or ethically monogamous relationship, non-monogamy relationship. Um, and it's beautiful, and it's like, wow, we have evolved into a more accepting society, and I love that, I really do, and it makes it makes me happy, it makes me look forward to the future because there is so many less restraints, and kink is so much more talked about, and sexuality is so much more talked about, freedom is so much more talked about, but after going on that lovely rant, um, because I did not write that down. We're gonna get back to the script. I would also like to point out that I understand there there is a lot at stake, especially if you have been with this person for a considerable amount of time, and you just come out the blue saying, hey, this is what I'm into. And I'm not here to say, Oh, you'll be fine. No, your whole world can come crashing down. I'm not saying in this podcast episode, yes, you should definitely tell your wife you're cheating on her or whatnot. I'm talking about the realities of what people do go through. And sometimes the truth does set us free, and sometimes it sets us free in a bad way that you might not want, like divorce or breakup. But I have known people who have told their wives, and it hasn't gone that well, but they've divorced or broke up, and they have gone on to lead a life of so much smut, so much kink. And they're now living that life by themselves or with a play partner, and they're exploring themselves to the fullest, and they are being their truest self. And so this podcast episode isn't to shame anybody. I mean, hell, we all have different definitions of what cheating is anyway. I know that some sex workers might say, oh no, they're not cheating, or I've heard clients say, Oh, because you're not giving me a blowjob, it's not cheating. But at the end of the day, you're coming to another woman, quite literally, and you're seeking a service, a quite an intimate service with another woman. And you're not telling your partner about it. This was a quite touchy subject, which I honestly didn't know if to do, but I do find it very, very interesting, and I like to hear other people's stories about why they don't tell their partners and the whole psychology over that, and it is just one of those things in the sex work industry that you come across quite a lot. So, why are some men finally speaking up? Particularly, it's culture. Kink is showing up everywhere. Podcasts, Netflix, TV, erotic books, and more and more women are reading and talking about it. Oh yes, there are so many smutty, dirty books out there. It is insane, it has blown up so much people reading about sexual encounters and DOM subdynamics. And particularly it's because kink itself is not as rare as people think. Studies show about one in three adults have tried something under the BDSM umbrella, whether that's spanking, restraints, blindfolds, or dominant submissive role play. There is such a wide category of roles in BDSM and kinks and fetishes in BDSM, it honestly is endless. Like, say for instance you go into the supermarket and you see a tin of tomatoes, boom, there is um a sploshing kink or fetish, where somebody likes to be covered in certain foods. Or for instance, you know, the checkout girl, boom, there you go. There's a uniform. Somebody could be attracted to that uniform. If their checkout girl is, and I say girl, but like any gender, maybe. Depends. Depends on what your preference is. But right now I'm just saying um woman. They could be chewing gum. There you go. There's another kink slash fetish. You know, like they're everywhere, they really are. There's a lot out there, there really is. A man sitting at home with a fantasy of being tied up or denied an orgasm. Well, I certainly know that he is not alone in having those thoughts. In fact, it's more normal than he thinks. But there's another reason. Exhaustion. Men are tired of living a double life, tired of sneaking porn or mistresses just to feel whole. Tired of smiling at the dinner table while hiding their true selves inside. And women are tired too. Tired of being seen as caretakers, tired of not having permission to step into their own power. So Bob told me he and let's say Lucy, let's see if I remember that name. Started listening to Behind the Paddle together. She loved the energy, and slowly he opened up. And when he finally confessed, she didn't recoil, she actually leaned in. That's why I tell this story, not because it's perfect, but because it's possible. Not every man cheats, some confess, and not every wife walks away. Now, Bob did contact me on an adult website before telling his missus, which again, it's in the business. I would like to remind people that sex workers, sex workers cannot control their clients when it comes to their status of relationships. But I do continue to speak to Bob every now and again. He does phone me up on the lovely phone lines, and we have a lovely conversation about him and his missus and how they're doing, and it's honestly really, really lovely. Obviously, it's with her permission. So we can't really talk about secrecy without talking about the bigger forces that shape it. Because these aren't just personal struggles, they're cultural ones. Think about religion. For centuries, Christianity and other faiths have painted sex as something dangerous, dirty, or at best for only reproduction. Women were told to be pure, obedient wives. Men were told to be strong leaders. Where in that story is there room for a man that longs to kneel, or a woman who longs to command? Then there's media. Movies and TV usually show only one version of male desire. Aggressive, dominant, always in charge. Women, when they're sexual at all, are shown as passive or subductive, but not powerful. It's very rare that we are seeing a fully powerful woman in a movie or series on TV. Now, thankfully, now we do have documentaries where we are shown mainly in sex work dynamics. But again, that that's also just for views. And sometimes it's not shed in the greatest of light either. You almost never see a husband begging his wife for release in mainstream stories. And porn? Porn has given millions of people their first sex education. Which is uh where sex workers come in. That is a whole different podcast episode where I see virgins or men who have experience but don't actually know how to pleasure a woman, and I have to teach them. And that is without shame and with love and care. I absolutely love beginners and I love teaching, but that is a whole different episode because we could also include the government about how there is terrible sex education and how there's just barely any, and we are just shielding ourselves as a country when it comes to porn, when it comes to our bodies, when it comes to education to do with anything sexual. So I think we definitely on that front still need to improve massively. Because sex in general, I feel, especially if you're the under the age of 18, is still seen as a taboo. And I mean that in a way where the government doesn't take it seriously, that we do need to teach future generations how to put on a condom, STDs, SDIs, the fact that we need to end the stigma when it comes to STDs, SDIs, where we need to end the stigma against sex workers. It all connects somehow. So going back to sex education, porn often exaggerates power dynamics into caricatures. Women in mainstream porn are usually submissive. They're to be used. Men are usually dominant, always in control. Even in femme porn, the focus is often on visual cliches, latex, whips, humiliation rather than the intimacy, trust, and emotional power that real DS relationships thrive on. So no wonder men struggle to speak up. No wonder women don't see themselves as possible DOMs. Society has never given us script for these roles. In fact, it often told us the opposite. But here's the truth: just because the culture hasn't shown it doesn't mean it isn't real. Everyday couples are quietly rewriting the script in bedrooms, in marriages, in the messy, beautiful privacy of their own lives. Especially people in polydynamics, they are whew, they are rewriting everything. Polyamorous relationships. I need to remember to like um length out the word and like say it fully for people who do not know what poly is. But poly is polyamory where you have more than two partners, and it's different from an open relationship, but we shall get into that in a different episode. So let's talk about what happens when she says yes. Because most women aren't raised to think of themselves as powerful in bed. I mean, I wasn't. I was bubbly, loud, fluorescent, not the serious leather dom you see in porn. I didn't think I could ever be that. I started out as a sub. And I remember when I started my journey into the sex industry, I had one particular client who really wanted me to kick him in the bollocks. And he was like, Hey, could you do some cock and ball torture on me? Kick me in the bollocks, proper play with me rough, and then I will eat you out and give you a massage for like two hours. And I was like, constantly omin and R in, and I would decline. And I'm not saying you pressure anybody into doing certain things with you, absolutely not. But I took a chance, and I was like, fine, fine. At the time I had um light blue hair, and I just did not think that I could be the Dom that is shown in porn. And when I tried, I loved it. I was like, yes, I will kick you again. It really is a core memory of how my journey started being a Dom. Being actually a Dom. But when some of us step into it, it really does change everything. So one woman wrote to me, I never imagined myself as a dominant. I'm a teacher, a mum, a project manager. But when he told me what he wanted, I made him kneel. Just that. The look on his face, it changed everything. I'd never felt more seen. Bob said the same about Lucy. At first she was trying it for him, but quickly she discovered her own hunger. He wrote, She's become far more confident and open. At first it was about my fantasies. Now it's about her power. On holiday, I definitely got the brunt of her darker side. It's so lovely hearing clients and strangers reach out and tell me how I've helped. It definitely is a freaking ego boost. Psychologists say this makes sense. Women often discover that stepping into dominance isn't about cruelty, it's about freedom. And for men, surrender isn't weakness. It's relief. It's finally being able to put down the armor. But not every story ends like Bob and Lucy. Some never begin. Some men lie beside their wives at night and then spend the day with a mistress. They say she could never understand. It would ruin her image of me. And I'll be honest, I've been that mistress. As I've just said, a good chunk of my clients are married or they do have a partner. I've heard every reason, every excuse. And yes, sometimes I believed them, but other times I thought, you never even gave her a chance. Here's a fact. Many professional dominatrixes report that the majority of their clients are married. Men who can't or won't ask their wives for what they want. And that's the tragedy. Because the lie isn't the kink. The lie is the silence. It pains me to say because there is no like way around it with cheating or lying, that there's no way around it. And I do get clients who are absolutely relentless when they talk to talk about their wives, when they talk about their partners. And I'm not talking about the ones, the clients who do see me, and they talk about how horrible their wife is, or how unattractive their wife is, or how unrelatable their wife is. And trust me, I have had many, many experiences with men who have said this about their wives. So what who I'm talking to and about for this episode is about the men who love and cherish their wife. But they just can't come out. Now, a big difference between loving and cherishing and really wanting to tell the truth, you've got that. And let me tell you a story from my experience where this again is a core memory about me being um a baby sex worker, where I was very much a rookie and I was first starting out. Now, with this story, I have a little bit of shame, I would say, but it is an experience which I had at a young age, and there is no 101 book of being a sex worker and what clients you are going to see and come into contact with. So there was this one guy who I saw on a few occasions where he would want me to put on his wedding ring and talk about his wife and talk about how fat and ugly she was while giving him oral. And that I've I think many experiences from my rookie days have collected and shaped how I saw men, well, and see men to this day, because there are still clients like that, there are still men like that. So, what happens after confession, after shame, awkwardness, and maybe tears? Couples who stay like Bob and Lucy build something new. Bob told me, it started with chores and worship. Now it's nearly 24-7. She only has to give me a look and I know what she wants. He also said, When I when I'm denied instead of frustration, I feel honored. I've never felt closer to her. And that's what society gets wrong about Kink. It isn't just about pain or chains. At its core, it's about trust. Psychologists point out that BDSM can actually increase intimacy because it forces couples to communicate honestly. The act of saying, Here's my deepest secret, do you still want me? Is its own kind of foreplay? And when the answer is yes, the intimacy is at its deepest. What partners wish they knew? Here's what real couples have told me. I thought I'd be disgusted. I wasn't, I was curious. I wish I'd told her ten years ago. I wasted so much time hiding from someone who loved me. The first time I told him he couldn't touch himself for a week, he thanked me. I cried. I didn't know I could be that powerful. Society tells us women shouldn't want power. Men shouldn't want surrender. But when couples step outside these boxes, they often find themselves closer than ever. Every long-term relationship will face surprises, illness, change, loss, or desire. Desire is not betrayal, desire is information. It shows us what our bodies long for, what our souls still want to taste before we die. When you speak your desire, even if it's messy, scary, or strange, you will give your partner the chance to meet you, the real you. And when they say yes or even not yet, you are no longer alone with it. You've brought it into light, and in the light, anything can grow. So now I'm gonna move on to something really heartfelt rather than that train wreck of whatever that was with that client. I want to tell you about something from work. Recently I said goodbye to two submissives. One of them had served me quietly, constantly, and you'll hear more of this story in a future episode. The other, I'll call my toilet. That was our dynamic. Extreme, consensual, profoundly understood. He existed in a space of degradation, and I held him there responsibly, erotically, but never confused surrender with worthlessness. And on this day, he told me he was leaving. We had just finished the session, his body was coming down as usual, but his energy was different. Softer, sadder. His eyes welled up, and that's when he told me, after thirty years of marriage, he had finally confessed everything to his wife, about his kink, about his desires, about me. He lived in silence for decades, afraid of rejection, afraid of being truly seen. But when he finally told her something happened that he never imagined. She was curious. Not only did she stay, she wanted to know more. Over the past few months, they've been exploring their own private world together. Dungeons, power exchange, even a couple of nights at Torture Garden. It's not perfect. She doesn't know yet the full extent of his toilet submission, and maybe she never will. And that's okay. But the part that matters, she didn't shame him. She didn't leave. She said, I still love you. He told her about me, about how I had been his survival, not his betrayal. And how this wasn't cheating, it was him keeping a part of himself alive. She understood. That session was our last. For now. He hopes one day he and I will meet again, but this time with her by his side. Maybe even with her holding the reins alongside me. Two women, one shared submissive. A partnership built not on lies but on truth. That image brings tears to my eyes, it truly does. This is why I do what I do. Not just for the kink, not even for the control, but for the transformation. Over the years I've watched submissives walk into my dungeon shackled by shame and walk out lighter, braver, more themselves. Some have gone home to their wives and confessed truths they thought would destroy everything, and instead built new lives. Some have uncovered identities they didn't even know were waiting for them. I've held space for men who realized they were gay. For clients who begin to explore feminization and later lived openly as women. For those questioning pronouns, gender, orientation. Because here's the thing most people don't understand about dominance. It isn't just about control. It's about creating a container. I don't just tie people down. I give them space to rise up as themselves. And yes, when a submissive leaves, it hurts. I'm human. I feel the echoes of every whispered yes, mistress, every tear shed onto my boots. But when someone leaves because they finally found the courage to live honestly, that's the best kind of goodbye. We live in a world now where there's room to speak, to name, to explore. But so many of my clients didn't grow up in that world. They grew up in homes, schools, churches, locker rooms, where they would be told, don't cry, don't be soft, don't deviant, don't be different. And let's be real, this still does happen today. Every new law, every protest, every attempt to silence queer and kinky lives is just another reminder that freedom is never handed to us. We have to claim it. We have to live it. That's why these confessions matter so much. Because every time someone speaks their truth to a Dom, to a wife, to themselves, the shame loses its grip. And this has been Behind a Panda Podcast with Paulson Victoria. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you really enjoyed the little stories that were in this episode. I loved talking to everybody about this podcast episode. And I was honestly, the episode came from the submissives. The like this episode wouldn't have come together if they didn't come to me and say, you know, they have told their wives or partners, they asked for advice, they transitioned even it. People can be so amazing. And I'm so happy that I get to be there to guide them and to be there. So yeah, if you enjoyed this episode, then please leave a like. Please give a lovely rating. If you have any comments or if you want to be on a podcast yourself, then please message. And I shall see you Thursday for How to Be You book reading. Bye.