SPEAKER_01 1:09

Um within a few more minutes, then we will just carry on and start. If anybody does have any questions or anything like that, you are more than welcome to put them in the chat. And that is the same all throughout this lovely presentation.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

So who am I? I am Boston Victoria.

SPEAKER_01 1:38

Um, I'm known also by a few other names. I'm a sex worker who has been in the industry for about nine years, and I've been involved in BDSM for more than that. Um, my experiences come from sex work and also just life in general. I see it a lot throughout the years. Um different people's experiences, I've seen virgins, I've seen men who want to improve their sex life and improve their confidence. And this is something I deeply specialise in. And if any of you know my journey, and what I've always said is that I would love to do some sort of counseling, counseling, coach work where it comes to sexual health, where it comes to especially self-confidence. So this PowerPoint, um, this event is just from what I've experienced and how I've been able to help my clients. We're not going to go massively deep um with science because that can that's a whole lot in itself. And I for myself, I know that big words can definitely just boggle my mind quite a bit. And yeah, we're not going to be talking about different, like yeah, difficult words or anything like that. This is just from my own experience. I'm not a professional in the sense of I have a degree as a counsellor. Instead, I have many, many years having somebody sat in front of me and doing a lot of things. So the expectations for this PowerPoint, we're going to be talking about performance anxiety, building confidence, how overthinking can just get in the way of things, and how to stay present, managing self-doubt and feeling not good enough. That is one of the biggest things which I hear with my clients is that they're not, they don't feel like they're good enough. So then we're gonna navigate an experience with honesty and communication. Those we're gonna go deeper into that, but it's very, very important with honesty and communication massively. Creating comfort through preparation and familiarity, understanding how to better connection with and please a partner. So understanding intimacy, not just the mechanics. So the connection versus performance, you need to have some sort of connection with that person. You could do that by going on a date with them or just meeting them for coffee. There's many different types of relationships out there, um, it can go from friends with benefits to having um a long-term partner, and that really can alter and add or take away from what you're going to do with that person. So you have to slow down. I've seen in my work that a lot of guys, especially, like to go really fast, or they think the woman wants to go really fast and do it all quick. When actually you need to communicate a lot. There is a lot of communication about this, though you don't need to be fast or anything like that. The amount of times, um, I'm gonna be a bit comedic with this PowerPoint, just because that's how uh I communicate best. I want to say. There's many, many different different times where I've had sessions and the guy is constantly trying to be very fast in everything, especially when it comes to either penetration or playing with the clit. And for some women, that is absolutely great, but for others, it's honestly off-putting and it can be too much pressure, not just mentally, but also physically as well. There's over 10,000 nerves in the clitoris. It it sometimes it's not that fun when somebody is trying to absolutely go very, very fast and kind of rush the process. And we we don't want that. Sometimes it's not as fun, and it doesn't get the other person to orgasm or calm. And another one, you really have to be present in the moment. You as hard as it is, especially as a neurodivergent person, you can't be say away with the fairies, you can't think about certain different things when you know you're meant to be pleasuring someone, or you're meant to be the one who is getting pleasured. So, awareness of your partner again, that comes with being present and also just slowing down. Communication is a massive one, and we're gonna dive more deeper into this. We've only got an hour, so there's only so much I can ram into that hour. But on all of these, you can expand, and there can be so many more topics coming off of being present, awareness of your partner, and with people feeling inexperienced or anxious. I mean, people feel anxious and inexperienced for so many different reasons. Again, there was so so much to talk about with that. There could be trauma, there could be no education, it could be a religious background that you you could just be anxious, or you could have um things to do with your mental health where it comes to being anxious or depressed, or not being as social. So there is a lot of reasons, and one of the reasons why I wanted to do PowerPoints like this and to coach people was because we're not really taught this in schools, we're not taught the actual details, the ins and outs, and that's why a lot of people are inexperienced, especially when it comes to porn. Porn is a lot of fakery and a lot of fantasy, and not that many people understand that or are knowledgeable about it. And me coming from the sex industry, where I have done porn and I have done in-person stuff, it is massively quite fake. So I feel like there needs to be a massive awareness of that, and with men, especially viewing porn, it has got a lot of men very self-conscious, I've seen, and to the point where they feel quite inadequate within themselves. So that moves us on to performance pressure. The person who you are playing with, you should never feel pressured to do anything on them or them to do anything on you. The person who you choose to play with, they need to understand what you you're going through, what you have gone through, what you're struggling with. And that can be very, very difficult. It really isn't easy, it's not, absolutely not. I have trouble to this day with doing certain things, which we'll get into. And I'm basically sort of a sex expert in my own way because of my job and my lifestyle, but I still have trouble, absolutely. And another common thing is overthinking, everyone is different, as I've just said, like it's not one shoe fits all. Confidence versus experience. So when it comes to experience, take a look at porn, take a look at the men have to usually take a blue pill, especially if they're working for all hours. And some men look at that and go, oh my god, he's got so many, so much experience. He fucks so many women. Oh my god, he must be living the life. Just because on camera he has experience doesn't mean that he's actually got the confidence or anything like that. And I feel like that is one of the I guess glass mirrors of the industry that we see, where we see a very overly confident man, but we don't see what's on the inside. We don't see if they're actually struggling with anything. They may look confident, but it can also be a very good facade.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

So awareness. How to ask what someone likes. Just ask them. Ask them.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

Communication is massive. It is such a key part of any relationship. Doesn't matter if you fuck somebody every now and again, doesn't matter if you meet up with them for a coffee and that's it. Even if it's just a friendship, you're still asking what somebody likes. Whether that's um whether that's oh, do you read comics? Do you play video games? Try and act very casual about it. Don't worry about getting spooked out or spooking them out. And hopefully, when you've asked them, you know, what do you like, you could lead on to that with a question about it. So uh I'm trying to think of a good example which isn't too explicit right now. So you could okay, let me give you a vanilla quite casual um example. So you ask them what video games do you like? And they go, Oh, I like um say Call of Duty or Fable, and you could be like, Oh, who was your favorite character in that? What was the storyline? You could lead off of that. And if it's anything to do with kink, they could be like, oh yeah, I like nipple play. You then could be like, oh, okay. Have you used any tools, any objects with nipple play? If so, what's like your favorite? Or do you like just fingers?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

So try and carry on the conversation and get more details. So, how to express yourself?

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Again, all I can say really about this one is just communication. Communication and honesty is a big one. I mean, you can express yourself in clothing, you could dress up in latex, in lingerie, in PVC, you could just be naked and express yourself that way in how you enjoy being naked within your own body and potentially showing off or just being around that other person. And both of these avoiding awkwardness, carrying on that conversation. Questions are really good when you're trying to speak to somebody and ask them, oh, how do you express yourself?

SPEAKER_00 17:09

But like just get the conversations going.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Reading body language is a big one, massive, massive. So, say for example, you're going down on a woman and they're like scrunching up their face a bit with what you're doing, or they're not doing anything with their face.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Do not do not start getting self-conscious. Don't you might not even be doing anything wrong, but what you can do is communicate to them and be like, Do you like this? Am I doing it right? There is no you should not feel any shame by asking the person who you're playing with, are you okay? Am I doing this right?

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Do you like this in a certain way? Honestly, it makes me so much more happier when the person who I'm playing with actually seems to care.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

Actually seems to want to please me. Like, it's great.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

If you can see the facial expressions that I'm making right now, I very much am in awe of people's awareness when they see me like scrunch my hands up on the bed sheets or roll my eyes to the back of my head. And it's great, it really is.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

And honestly, it makes you more attractive when you care more about the person's happiness and how they are feeling.

SPEAKER_01 19:10

And then if you want to reverse the roles, they need to be able to say that back to you. If they're pleasuring you, you also need somebody who you can communicate with.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

That's big.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

I personally do not want to play with somebody who laughs if I ask them, like, are you okay? Like, it would it would feel humiliating to me, I feel. You need a safe space with a certain person, and you need to be able to feel comfortable with that, but you also need to be able to see the red flags in the person who you're playing with. So we're gonna go more into knowing the woman's ovulation phases, and we're also gonna be talking about hormones because if you are pleasuring somebody with ovaries, with a uterus, with a vagina, it's a big deal. Uh, hormones and ovulation phases. You need to learn this again. We're not really taught this in school, which is okay. Hey, I'm 27 and I've had to learn all this. And it can be quite difficult, absolutely. But I'm hopefully gonna try and help you through this. So when it comes to hormones, everything can change your hormones. Any type of medication, um, your diet, ovulation phases, so much. So making feel making things feel natural instead of awkward. Again, this is what we're trying to do with all of these bullet points. We don't want it to feel awkward, but hey, if it feels awkward the first few times you're seeing this person, especially if you're seeing them naked and playing with them, heck yeah, it can feel awkward. I'm not here to say to you like it it's gonna be great. It might not be. Whenever I session with somebody, especially if it's like a BDSM session, I say to them, hey, we don't really know each other, especially naked.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

We don't know how it's gonna go, it's gonna be rocky, but it's gonna improve over time, and that's real, that's real life. So the cycles.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

So we have um the luteal phase, and if anybody does want this PowerPoint, I can absolutely send it along. I can send this video as well. Um, it definitely is important to be learning the cycles because there's gonna be different moods, there's gonna be different stages where the person who you're playing with might not want to um do anything sexual. In fact, they they won't be repulsed by you, but it it really depends on the person. It really depends. Hormones can really, really take it out of the person, and the person with um the cycle does need to be able to control that as well. How they feel and how they communicate. So it's not just the person with the penis, it's also the person with the vagina as well. They both need to communicate, um, especially on their period in the menstrual cycle where they're bleeding. It needs to be there, needs to be communication a hundred percent. So I can definitely go more into this if anybody wants to contact me afterwards. So, hygiene. Hygiene is a massive one. With me doing this for multiple years, I have noticed that some men do not um know how to clean themselves properly. And that's a biggie. That really is a biggie. Whether you're just meeting somebody for coffee or you are playing sexually with them. So we're gonna talk about smegma. Uh segma is a white coating slash substance that can be found over the head slash glands of the penis and the foreskin. So if you do have foreskin and you pull it back and you see some white stuff, that is smegma. It is made up of a combination of ceraculus oil, dead skin cells, and moisture, and it behaves as a natural lubricant to keep um the genitals, uh the genital moist and allows the foreskin to be retracted during sexual intercourse. Now, I will be honest, SMegva does not look pretty to me at least, um, and to other women who I have spoken to. Um it is quite important. It's not really the nice. Thing and it can smell, it can smell, um, and it can leave a smell, also. So it is very important that you do regularly shower and bathe, and you gently pull back the foreskin and wash the head and the inner skin with warm water to remove segma. And yeah, if the foreskin is too tight to retract, um I cannot remember how to say this now. Um permosis. While it's natural, uh well, it's normal in young children if it persists past puberty or causes pain during um erections or when you're peeing, you should consult a doctor. I have seen multiple men who have really tight foreskin and they don't realize that it's not a problem, but it is too tight. Um, especially if you pull it back even a little and it hurts, that's not great. I would suggest seeing a doctor because again, you can't really clean um within the foreskin, and that's where SDDs and SDIs can go and be buried, and it's very important to clean that. So, yeah, just make sure you shower. Um, hey, if you get a little bit smelly while during um intercourse or playing, that's totally cool. Have some wipes, like have some wipes to the side of like where you're playing and use them every now and again. There shouldn't be any shame. Again, the person who you're playing with should not shame you for any of this. Or if you feel like you smell, just be like, hey, can I just go toilet for a second? And what I would suggest if you're gonna go take a quick toilet break, pee, you might need to just just empty your bowels just just in case, just in case. Um, and also have a quick wash of the penis. And yeah, you can use a baby wipe or just for a little bit of perfume. Do not spray perfume down below, it tastes disgusting. It's not the greatest. Um, clean your asshole. That should be just self-explanatory. Um, yeah. The yeah, just just clean the butt. Clean the butt. I would suggest uh use tissue first, then use wipes if you want a quick clean. But if you want a better clean, then go in the shower and put the shower on high, on the highest pressure you can do, and just like proper rinse your butt. Don't put the water in your butthole, just put it on the outsides. Um, especially if you have hair, then shit can get caught in that hair, and it is very vital that you do clean it. Um, yeah, wipes are the greatest. Tissues, honestly, I don't know why we use tissues to wipe our ass and private areas because it doesn't fucking work. Not the way wipes work. Wipes are great. Um if you're worried about bad breath, bring some mints with you. Doesn't doesn't hurt. Um, please have good feet. I love a man that has attractive feet in the ways of they've taken care of themselves. Like, if you want to have better feet, hey, see if you've got a friend or how hire a sex worker, a companion, to go get pedicures with you. Like, there's tons of ways to get through this of being able to sort a few things out, and yeah, good feet definitely is a key feature. It's way more attractive when a man cares about his body, especially his feet. And I find that men neglect their feet quite a bit, but you know, we want to play with all of you, so we want to be attracted to all of you, so good feet are a definite must. Um, if you are playing um with insertables, so like your fingers, have short fingernails. Short fingernails are very, very, very important. Um, we do not want any cuts in the vagina or in the ass or anything like that. Short fingernails as much as possible, and you can always get um get a nail file and file it off because it's it's great if you're using clippers, but filing them um after you've clipped them is really good because you can get a really nice curve on the nail.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

So arousal control and pacing.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Um, so how do I last longer? I get that question all the time. You can tease yourself, you can do this thing called edging, where you take yourself to the climax, but you don't follow. You stop. As soon as you think you're going to come, you stop, and you keep doing that and doing that and doing that. And some experts say that it makes the orgasm, it makes climaxing way more sensitive and as such a better feeling. So we don't want to rush things. Rushing things is not great, it's not good. Um, unless you have explicitly speak spoken to that person who you're playing with. And if they've if they've communicated, oh yes, let's rush things like you know speed dial my clitoris a thousand, you know, then that's fine. But when you're playing with somebody, you need to communicate with them on how they want to be pleasured, or hell, how you want to be pleasured. And foreplay does not start in the bedroom. This is one this is one thing that people get wrong. Where foreplay it starts from when you've first started speaking to that person. So say you've been speaking to this person for a while, and you wake up and you send them a good morning message. There's the start of it. Honestly, I would say full play starts like literally when you wake up. You want to get that person not necessarily in the mood, but shower them with compliments, maybe do tasks around the house that need doing.

SPEAKER_00 32:54

Don't leave it all up to them.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

If you live with a partner, or if you're around them for some time, then say if they're cooking or doing something, standing up, then you could hold their hips, you could um brush your fingers through their hair, sort of things like that.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

But we're gonna uh talk about something else where you can't how do I say this?

SPEAKER_01 33:38

Say for example, if you speak to somebody and you want it to always lead to sex. Oh, actually, let me give you this um example. So you're in bed with this person and you say, Oh, can I give you a massage? And then you turn that massage into sex, and then you do it the next night, and the next night, and the next night. They're gonna always think that a massage equals sex feel like not pressured into doing anything, you need to make it so yeah, babe, I can give you a massage, and it doesn't need to lead to sex or anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

You can just appreciate the person who you're playing with. And you also can't get mad at somebody that if they say no.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

That's a big thing. Again, we need consent around this. And the person who you're playing with, as I've just said, you can't say, Oh yes, I'm gonna do this. Because I've seen a lot that a lot of men think if they take the rubbish out, if they do the dishes, then that entitles them to sex. No, no.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Especially when you've done zero foreplay beforehand.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

So it can actually take a woman 10 to 20 minutes or even longer to get aroused, and for them to orgasm, it can take 10 to 40 minutes to reach orgasm. And so for women it's a lot harder um, potentially, than men to actually orgasm and calm to climax. Trust me, it's like it it takes a lot.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

We are very usually it's very much we're visual and we care more about looking into the person's eyes. But w women are all different, but it can be difficult for us.

SPEAKER_01 36:13

So you've gotta keep that in mind, and you've also gotta manage the build-up. So again, full play doesn't start in the bedroom, and you've gotta stay in control, you've gotta understand your body, you've gotta not get too much in your head about it.

SPEAKER_00 36:36

And if you need to take five minutes, you can take five minutes. So you need to sometimes get used to the person who you're playing with.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Play with them a few times. Again, as I said, it can be rocky the first few times, and it might be different if you play with other people. So if you're jumping from one person to another, you might not ever get to that spot where you feel fully comfortable with that person, and that's not necessarily because they might not be the right person, but it might be that you're getting in your head too much or you're not that comfortable. Again, it's not one shoe size fits all, there's a lot of topics, a lot of things. One thing which I like to say is try looking in each other's eyes for three minutes.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

That in I hope it would help deepen the bond between you and that other person.

SPEAKER_01 37:55

Looking into each other's eyes, it can be beautiful and it can be scary and it can be happy, and it definitely can be breaking down the walls, especially the walls of defense. And then with that, I would definitely say hook for three minutes. Absolutely, feel that connection, even if it is awkwardness, you're both doing it together. And don't hesitate. I will be completely honest and say that I absolutely do get nervous with meeting my clients, um, especially if it's somebody who I haven't met before. And because my job, there is a lot of dirty talk, absolutely. Now, trust me, when I first started dirty talking, oh my god, I did not know what to say, and I felt embarrassed about what I was saying, and I was like, oh wait, people do like this. Wait, this is okay to say, they're getting off on this, and so am I, and I've noticed men need a lot of um dirty talk, and I've noticed a lot of women, me especially, love a lot of dirty talk, and there has been times still where I'm very hesitant to just say something, um, but you've just got to take that leap of faith. What I've learned is that when there is dead air, heck yeah, it can be awkward, and it can definitely, for me, take me out of the scene because I I I like to calm an orgasm with dirty talk, and sometimes it's actually quite hard not to. So if you get too much in your head, I would definitely um, I think this is called the box method. Um, it works for people with anxiety and depression. So you inhale for four seconds and hold it for four seconds, and then exhale for four seconds, and pause for four seconds. And hopefully, this would create a calm and focused rhythm, and you can do that for as long as you need to. And one thing which really helped me was think about how much pleasure you could give. Imagine them loving it, but you know, regular check-ins every now and again, asking, you know, are you you enjoying this? Am I doing it right? Would you like me to do something else with my tongue? Or my fingers? Or yeah, would would you like to do me to do something with my hands? You know, think about the best possible outcomes. Think about how much pleasure you could give them, and then in your head, you say, Yeah, damn right, damn right I'm gonna pleasure them. You need to gain confidence. Confidence is quite a massive thing when it comes to pleasuring the other person, and you need that other person who you're playing with to work with you with that. What I've been doing recently is if somebody says they don't have a lot of self-confidence, I found that dirty talk is great, but me praising the person who is say giving me oral saying you're doing it right, yes, you're so good at this. And hey, there might be minor corrections, but that's okay. That's what I found has really helped and boosted my clients' self-esteem when I've praised them.

SPEAKER_00 42:25

You need to be confident, but the other person who you're playing with needs to make you feel confident.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

So, certain people believe that an orgasm is the built-up of pleasure that occurs before a climax. Others consider orgasm to refer to the entire experience of sexual buildup and climax. So there's not that much research, um, as much as I would like personally, um, especially about vaginas, um, especially about women's bodies and kink and few bits missing from sex. So I always wondered what is the difference between an orgasm, a climax, coming. So, let's talk about it. It is possible for a person to extend the time that they experience orgasm. This is known as edging, something which we've previously just spoken about. Some people believe that edging can lead to a more intense climax. For me personally, yes, absolutely, it can. Um it also depends where I am in my hormone cycle and ovulation. I will say when I'm usually um on my period, I'm less sensitive. But if I'm in my which one is it again? See, this I I forget. Even though I myself have a vagina and different phases, it's hard to keep track of them. In fact, I keep track of them with an app called Flow, and you can share that with your partner or whoever you're playing with. That really helps. Um, but yeah, in certain phases, nipples will be more sensitive, um the clitoris will be more sensitive, your whole body could be more sensitive. It's crazy. Um, but you also gotta remember that especially during the period for most vagina owners, I will be sleeping more hours um at night and during the day. I might be more tired, I might have backache more, I might have headaches more, um, I might easily get frustrated, I might get mood swings. So there is a lot to talk about. Um, and there needs to be communication with that. I cannot express enough how difficult it is just to have relationships um when you're a vagina owner because of all these hormones. It is kind of a curse because you need to be able to communicate, and that can be really, really hard. So carry on with this. A person reaches the brink of achieving climax, they or their sexual partner then reduce stimulation, meaning they do not reach climax. So that's basically just what I was talking about with edging, where say, for example, um you're wanking somebody off and they're about to come, and you just completely stop. You take your hands off the penis or the vagina, and you say no, and you leave it for like a minute, and then you carry on.

SPEAKER_00 46:36

And it's just repeat, repeat and stop.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

Um when it comes to ejaculation is the pulsating uh pulsing contraction of the pelvic or penile muscles to expel semen. This Happens uh with vagina owners, absolutely. Um, I feel it sometimes I can feel it in my toes. It's really, really interesting, honestly. Um, ejaculations can include one or many muscular contractions that can last anywhere from a couple seconds to 30 seconds or more. You gotta remember the vagina is like a muscle and it's got tons of nerves everywhere. Um, it is normal for the semen to dribble out, and it is also normal for the semen to shoot several feet. Everyone is different. For some men, no semen will come out. That does not mean that there was no ejaculation. It is simply called a dry ejaculation. Now I've had that where I've stimulated somebody's prostate. Um, it's as simple as that, really. Um that was like it's one of the funnest things in my sessions where I simulate somebody's prostate and they dry ejaculate, and they're like, whoa, what was that? And I was like, Yep. Like, so proud of myself. And they learn something new as well. Um, the ejaculation process is controlled by a lower spinal cord nodule that acts as a miniature brain-controlling sexual response. An orgasm is the euphoric feeling that occurs with the climax. Very often, an orgasm can contribute to muscle spasms, vocal sounds, and other bodily movements. But these movements do not aid in the expulsion of semen. An orgasm is caused by a sudden release of brain chemicals. These euphoric sensations can be described as big, small, genital focused whole body and can even seem to enamorate and enamorate from various areas of the body. Orgasms orgasms can last anywhere from a few seconds to 15 to 20 seconds for some men. The average for most men is 5 to 10 seconds, and that can be the same for women as well. Um, what I've noticed, especially with myself, it can last for up to a minute, and I can still feel the pulsating sensations for yeah, a good minute and a half later, especially. Um most men think they experience these two events um sultaneously. The truth is they do occur near each other, but for some men they feel an orgasm right before they they ejaculate, and other men begin to ejaculate and then feel the orgasm. Both of these are perfectly normal. The pulsating contractions of an ejaculation are pleasurable, but they are not really part of the orgasm any more than the pleasurable stimulation on the penis is part of the orgasm. So yeah, it's it's crazy how much you really learn. Interesting enough, some men learn to separate an ejaculation from an orgasm. Some men can learn to have multiple orgasms and never ejaculate until they choose to do so. This takes a lot of practice, a lot, but it can be done. And it's the same with women as well. Some men learn to have whole body orgasms from anal/slash prostate stimulation, as I've mentioned. These orgasms do not have an accommodating um ejaculation, in fact. These orgasms have nothing to do with the penis at all. There are um stories of men who have experienced spinal cord injuries who cannot feel their penis, but can give themselves an orgasm from stimulating other parts of their body, such as armpits or neck. Some men can give themselves orgasm from nipple stimulation. That's a very common one which I've had. Some men can ejaculate slash orgasm without touching their penis at all. And it's the same with women as well. There are women out there who can orgasm again just from nipple stimulation. Um, sex and movement, fingering. Um, let me see if I can show my own video.

SPEAKER_00 52:03

So, fingering.

SPEAKER_01 52:05

When it comes to fingering, um how do I explain this? It depends with each vagina, it really does. And again, this is where communication comes into play. What I like to talk to my clients about is when they are up inside, you will um feel their vaginal opening, and you will also feel the uh the cervix. And the cervix, oh my god, when I first felt the cervix on myself, I was like, the fuck. It feels weirdly like a butthole. It is well weird inside. Um, and especially if the person has like had a child, the cervix can be lower than usual, which is perfectly normal. Um, but when you put your fingers in, this is like the only way I can explain it, actually showing you. So you put your fingers in and do this movement. This is the greatest movement ever. Um, when doing this, if they're lying on their back, you can feel something like plushy and soft, like a pillow.

SPEAKER_00 53:26

That's great, it's wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 53:29

Um, and then that's where communication comes into play, where you ask them, hey, is this good? And then you can change up the speed. Um, you can either go faster or slower and communicate with them and say, Hey, do you want me to do um play with your clit while doing fingers? And you also need to remember which is your most dominant hand, which is your best hand to potentially um either do the clitoris or fingers, and it can be difficult, it absolutely can be. It's not easy, it's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. Um, you definitely can get mixed up, and that's totally fine. Again, you just need to communicate with the person who you're playing with. Um, yeah. Hygiene, another one is don't use spit. Do not use spit. Um, spit, you know, in your mouth there is a lot of bacteria. Use lube. Lube is there, lube is a god. Um, if so another thing, um again, trying to shove everything into an hour is like so difficult. Um, do not get offended if the person you're playing with is not wet, if they are not lubricated, if their body hasn't self-lubricated, doesn't mean they're not attracted to you or anything like that. Um sometimes it is just dry, especially um what cycle they're on. Um, yeah, because I've personally got very, very self-conscious at the fact of, oh, like I'm really attracted to this person, we've got a good connection. Why aren't I wet? Like, why? And I've gotten in my head so much that like it I don't orgasm or anything like that, and that's all I think about. It's like, oh wow, I feel like I'm like neglecting my partner or whoever I'm playing with because I'm not wet, and that that does not help whatsoever. Just grab the lube, just grab the lube. I know a lot of um clients who I've seen don't like to have the lube because they do see it as they haven't done their job in getting me horny or getting me wet when it's it's fine, it's totally fine. It it can be nobody's fault. Just grab the lube. Lube's there, lube is God, like just use it. So we will go back to the lovely PowerPoint. I have a um again, especially with people who are inexperienced. Sex positions, they're hard. They are very fucking hard. Um, you need a lot of cardio, you need a lot of stamina. Um, absolutely. Um, let me screen share this.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

You you you need a lot. You really do.

SPEAKER_01 56:41

Um need a lot of stamina. It's fucking difficult. Which like again, some people f think, oh, sex is gonna be easy. No. It it can be absolutely hard because of what um you're trying to do. Do not worry yourself about sex positions. Do not, you will just get more and more into your head about it, and you shouldn't need to. You really shouldn't. It's difficult, it's gonna take you a good minute to figure out how to do these positions. And I've had it where clients are sweating by the end of it. Like, I've had it where I've had asthmatic clients having to take um uh bits of their inhaler and stuff, and I'm like, yeah, sex is difficult. Um, yeah, stamina and breaks. Uh, we've spoken about the cervix. Um, when it comes to the cervix, um, I don't know if I've mentioned it in my notes, but you don't need to, again, depends who you're playing with, but don't worry about like jabbing your penis in to a vagina. Um, I can't remember exactly um if I wrote it down, but I think um what was it? Oh gosh, let me see. Oh, wonderful. I think I have written it down. Um yeah, the average size and changes um of the vagina, uh general generally two to four inches deep, expanding to four to eight inches when aroused. So again, when you look at porn and you go, oh my god, you've got such a massive dick, it's not always great. It's not always great. Um sometimes when you have a massive penis, it hurts and it can hurt the cervix. And it's not pleasurable for some women, it's not. So don't ever worry if you have a certain penis size and you think, oh, I'm not gonna pleasure a woman. You'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 59:00

You've got your hands, you've got your mouth, um, and you do have your penis. You'll figure it out, you'll get the motion.

SPEAKER_01 59:12

Um again, we've spoken about dirty talk, dirty talk can be quite important. Sometimes dirty talk might just put that person off. Again, communication. Um, your hands. I like to run my hands and fingernails up and down somebody's leg or hand or back. That really helps people get into the mood. But again, especially with somebody neurodivergent, that might be completely different. Um don't always focus on yourself. I know it's really difficult, but uh try and um focus on the other person as well, not just yourself. And you've got to pay attention whether uh the person who you're playing with is uh actually enjoying what you're doing again, communication, and you've gotta stay in the moment, you've got to pay attention as well, and yeah, communication, absolutely. So, yeah, the vulva and the vagina. Here is a lovely detailed picture. Um, didn't want to scare anybody with an actual in-person vagina and vulva. So you're gonna deal with the scientific version. So again, um, menopause can alter so many things as well. Um, childbirth, uh, there's a few myths as well when it comes to a few things. Um, because me, myself, I have had a child. I get a lot, uh not a lot, but I do get some clients who say, wow, you're quite tight and whatnot for having a child. Well, muscles stretch during uh you know delivery of the child, and while they may not feel the same as before, they usually go back uh to size. Keep in mind you have to be 10 centimeters dilated to give birth. That's quite a it's quite a lot. Um it's like a well, watermelon? At least a big basketball or something like that. Um, and it goes back. It's such a myth that women who have children have like massive vaginas and things. No, absolutely not. It's just um a misogynistic myth, honestly. Um, the vagina is highly elastic and acts like an accordion, allowing it to widen and change depth during sexual activity. So the more the person's turned on, the more fingers you might be able to get inside of them, the more relaxed they are. It's beautiful, it really is. Um, as estrogen drops during menopause, the vaginal lining can become less elastic, thinner, or shorter, and sometimes leading to less elasticity. Also, it can make the vagina more drier as well, so it won't be able to lubricate itself. And you've got to keep in mind, sometimes you can hit early menopause, um, even in like your 20s. So, yeah, there's a lot um you have to keep in mind. Um, sexual intercourse does not permanently stretch the vagina, regardless of the number of partners. Again, one of these lovely myths. Um, key facts about the vagina. The vagina produces natural discharge to maintain its pH balance and clean itself, meaning um cleaning inside the vagina, douching, is unnecessary and can actually be harmful. Um, so one of the things which I learned being a vagina owner, you don't really use a lot of soap, otherwise that can fuck things up. Um and if you if a vagina owner gets come inside of them, so a cream pie, then the pH balance gets thrown off. And discharge can then become different colours, it can become thicker, um, it can become looser, and it can kind of have a bit of a smell, and that is mainly usually if you have had sexual activity with somebody, even if it is protected, the pH balance can come off. So if you um come in somebody, or if you have sex with somebody, and then the next day you go down there and it's got a little bit of a smell, that's that's on you. That's on you, penis own. Or even if you're just playing with um somebody with toys, um the toys could absolutely be clean, but it can still throw off the pH balance. Um, so don't but don't be scared of that. If the vagina does have a um what exactly is it called? Cottage cheese smell and consistency, then they most likely have yeast infection or something that concerns a doctor. Um, but discharge can actually um it's absolutely normal, happens every day, um can be absolutely frickin' annoying, honestly, being a vagina owner, and you feel wet and it's discharge, perfectly normal, to the point it can actually bleach underwear. Um, so if you look at a woman's underwear and it's bleached, um then that's just the discharge, it's what happens, totally normal. Um yeah, the hymen is a thin piece of tissue, partly covers the opening, but its size and shape are unique, and it does not necessarily break during first intercourse. And yeah, the vaginal discharge can change throughout the menstrual cycle in colour, thickness, which is normal, healthy. Um, again, if you download like the flow app, you will be able to log all of it and keep track of all that stuff. So one thing, one like slogan which I've come to love is men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel love to have sex. It is very, very important when playing with a woman that they feel loved, they feel a connection in some sense. I know that I've seen in relationships, because I also work with couples as well, is that if the man's not getting sex, they don't feel love, they don't feel that connection, and they can lose it quite quickly.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:35

It's not like that for everyone, but it can be like that. And you need to make sure that your partner does feel loved.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:49

It's it's that simple. It's not all about you know being selfish in the ways of I want sex, I need sex to feel loved. Okay, but what about the other person? You need to think about them, what they need to feel that connection and to want to have sex with you. And as I discussed earlier, you cannot let your actions now make her feel that you just want sex, she needs to be able to relax. Again, going back to that, oh I'm gonna give you a massage, and that turns into sex.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:30

Or oh, he's doing the dishes only because he wants to have sex, and you know, it can be flipped absolutely, but you need to make your partner feel relaxed.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:45

Um, during arousal, increased blood flow causes the internal structures of the clitoris um to fill with blood and swell, sometimes doubling in size. Now, when this first happened to me, oh my fucking god, I was terrified. I was like, oh my god, what have I fucking caught? What have I catched? I was so concerned because they don't teach you this in school, so you have to look it up online, and they certainly don't really teach you it in porn either. So yeah, the if the clitoris is stimulated and you are absolutely horny, then the clitoris can um get bigger, and that can take a good few hours um sometimes to go back down. So the vagina typically produces one milliliter to three milliliters of discharge in 24 hours. Discharge is made up from secretions from the cervix and glands, near the opening of the vagina. Vaginal discharge is a normal healthy process caused by glands in the vagina and cervix. Releasing fluid to cleanse the body, remove old cells, and prevent infections. You should never be grossed out by discharge. Don't be fucking rude. Don't. If you are grossed out, don't show it, I want to say, because that can obviously put you both completely out of the mood. And the person who you're playing with might feel humiliated and embarrassed and shamed. Um, and we don't want that. So 85% of women report being satisfied with their partner's penis compared to 55% of men. Oh, make noise. Again, it depends. There needs to be communication if other people like to make noise. I know that I love to hear whoever I'm playing with making noise. That gives me confirmation that I'm doing I'm doing what I'm doing great. They're enjoying it, they're loving it. Um, and it turns me on. Absolutely. It is attractive. So after an orgasm, blood drains from the penis rather quickly, but it stays longer in the vagina, which may keep a woman aroused. This is why women can achieve multiple orgasms. However, 10 to 50% of women rarely or don't reach orgasm at all.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:26

Do not worry if if you're penetrating a woman and they don't come, perfectly normal. Perfectly normal. Perfectly normal.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:43

Um, they might come from other ways, they might come from um clitoral stimulation or nipple stimulation or communicate.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:57

Just communicate, figure each other out. That's the fun of it.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:03

Um with BDSM, I'm gonna try and quickly wrap this up because we are 15 minutes over. Um, consent and boundaries, talk about what you guys want to do, talk about your limits, talk about boundaries, um, and get consent. Can I do this to you? Can I do that to you? Again, if you're with a person who is lovely, and you know, make sure they don't make fun of you. That's a massive one. Make sure they don't shame you. Because if they do, even a hint of it, get a different play partner, get somebody else. Because I don't really think personally that that's gonna help. I don't think you getting humiliated and embarrassed and feeling shamed is going to help. So it's very important that you find the perfect person to play with. Um, you have to understand your own desires, what you want to do. Um, you have to understand what is fantasy versus reality. So, again, porn is a big one where a lot of porn is fantasy. Um, I know a lot of people who watch strap-on porn and they joke after it and they freaking love it. But they come see me and they go, Oh my god, this is so different from porn. Because they're at it's reality, they're feeling it, they're in the moment, and especially anal things like that. Um, it's very pleasurable, maybe too much, and it can hurt. In porn, they don't say put the penis in, wait a good minute because it's the ring of fire. They don't say that, they just get on with it. Um, again, yeah, you need to feel safe, especially who whoever you're playing with. Um, I use traffic light colours, so you can alter these as you wish, but the way I do it is green, you're enjoying it, amber, not so much, and red, you do not like it. If you want to stop at any moment, then you say stop. I find that the traffic lights are really, really good, really interesting. Um, I do believe this is the last slide, wonderful. So, common questions I get asked is um how to build confidence. It's it's hard, it's difficult. You have to keep at it and you have to just keep going.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:49

Even if you have like a big setback, you have to keep going. Um how do I know if someone's enjoying themselves? Ask them.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:01

Ask them. Um, how do you know if she's in the mood? Because again, when it comes to the menstrual cycle, it can be pretty difficult. Ask them. A lot of it is communication. Um, and again, full play doesn't start in the bedroom.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:20

Certainly not. Um yeah, that's just quite a big one. Fourplay just doesn't start in the bedroom. Just it's kind of like it's a simple one, it really is, where it's make sure they know that no matter what, you're still gonna be there for them.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:46

Um of course it's different with each relationship type of relationship, but if you've listened to what all I've said, then it should be quite a simple, easy one to understand with how do you know if she's in the mood? Have you ticked all the things which I've just mentioned? But yeah, we can totally expand on that in the future.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:13

Um, is my penis too small? Um, I've got that a lot.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:20

If you think it is, ask the person who you're playing with for their honest opinion. Or just ask somebody else who you're not playing with, maybe, with their consent.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:32

But if it is too small, then use your fingers, use your mouth, stimulate other holes, that sort of thing.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:45

Um, how do you know if she came? That's a difficult one because she might not even realize if she did either. Um, yeah, all you can do is ask, but then they might get embarrassed and feel shameful um that they don't know if they came or they actually didn't. Um, and that's where you really take the time to pleasure them. You make them the sole focus, if you've especially if you've already came. You've got to be a caring companion. Absolutely. You can't just be selfish and be there for your own needs. Um, what if I want to explore VDSM?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:27

Um, either hire a sex worker or talk to the person who you're playing with.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:38

I had a client um ask me for advice, they liked um anal fisting, and they asked me, hey, I want to go on a date with this woman. Uh we've been chatting and I really enjoy her, but what do I do about my kinks? And I basically said to him, okay, you've got a few things which you can do. You can either never ever get fisted again in your life, or you can tell her the truth about your kinks, and then potentially explore that and maybe get her to do it, or she'll be okay with you seeing somebody to act out your fantasies. I would not advise lying to the person who you're seeing or who you want to be with. It's just not gonna end well.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:45

You're not gonna be fully fulfilled. It's as simple as that.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:52

Um, yeah, if you're into BDSM, I would suggest telling them a hundred percent. Um, what if my partner doesn't like sex?

SPEAKER_00 1:18:03

Talk to them, ask them why. And then explore the other things around sex.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:13

Um, I could go into a lot more detail with that one because there is a lot more things to do than just straight up sex. And that's round that's it. Um thank you for coming to my lovely Zoom. I have very much enjoyed all of this. Um, if anybody has any questions or wants to follow up afterwards, you are more than welcome to.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:45

Um, but that is the end of this lovely Zoom session.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:53

So if nobody has um any questions or anything like that, um then I'm just gonna go ahead and end the zoom.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:05

But thank you guys for coming.