SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello and welcome back to Behind the Powder Podcast with me, False and Victoria. So today we are going to do a QA. I think it's been like over a year since I did a QA, so I thought, why not? Let's do another one. And I know that some of you had some burning questions you'd like to ask me. So my name is Plossom Victoria. Other people know me as Mr. as Mistress Victoria. Um and a few other names. I am a sex worker of nine years, and I am a professional dominatrix as well as Eskore. I do webcam, I do videos, pictures, phone chat, I do a lot of things, and I also have spicy sites as well. So you can imagine what type of questions there would be here. Um I'm also a big activist for sex worker rights in general. So yeah, one of the things I enjoy most about asking for your questions is that sometimes a handful of completely unrelated questions end up circling around the same idea, or we just go straight off the tracks into a whole different podcast. When I look through the ones I wanted to answer this week, they seem to be about completely different things. I totally have not been the ADHD putting us off, but because of how in-depth these questions can get. But actually, I think they're all asking the same question. How do you keep growing without losing yourself? How do you stay open to new ideas without believing absolutely everything? How do you stand firmly for what you think is right without becoming so convinced of your own righteousness that you stop listening? How do you continue changing as a person when the world constantly encourages us to pick up an identity and never move from it? I think that's something worth talking about. So the first question was How do you keep up the fight for decriminalization? It's your livelihood, but I don't know if I'd have the strength day in, day out. Share your secrets and I hope your fight lasts until victory. Well, thank you for that question, firstly. That's it's a really kind message, but at the same time, it's kinda hard-hitting for me because it is a fight for decriminalization day in, day out. Whether that is just me going on the BBC talking about sex work or just talking to my clients after a session about it. That is often what can happen with some of my clients when they have looked deeper into who I am and done a good bit of research, they know that I fight quite a bit for decriminalisation. And they've read up about the Nordic model, which wants to criminalise sex work, say the criminalise clients, but it doesn't really work that way. And we've done numerous episodes on the Nordic model, and why the Nordic model just does not work. But I also want to challenge the premise behind it because I think often because I think people often imagine campaigners as as these endlessly passionate people who wake up every morning ready to charge into battle, and that's not my reality. There are days when I'm incredibly motivated, days when I read something positive, have a productive meeting, or hear from someone whose life has genuinely been improved by the work that organizations and campaigners have done. Bear in mind I'm working full-time, self-employed, having a podcast, being a mother and a campaigner, as well as many other things not mentioned, uh, not to mention having ADHD with autism, all that stuff, you know, or DHD. High functioning depression, which all can be challenging in their own ways and anxiety, and just being a woman in general. Then there are days where I don't want to think about any of it. Especially when it came very close to if the Nordic model bill was even going to pass here in Scotland. It was a very close vote for it furthering ahead in Parliament. Now, if you don't know what the Nordic model is, to put it simply, it's a bill that criminalises sex work. But also states it's here to quote help sex work. However, in Sweden, where the Nordic model came from, they themselves have stated it failed. However, far right Swifts deny this even though it's plainly in writing. Where has the Nordic model really improved sex workers' lives? France? Sweden? Certainly not the US. It's rather funny, honestly. It's a tiresome fight for decriminalization of sex work. It was recently on the BBC there was a masseuse who fits rape alarms in treatment rooms after men treat her like a sex worker. Now the way she spoke about sex workers so rude, so out of touch, and to quote, I work so hard to get where I'm go doing so much training in uh physiologically, I don't know, autonomy and the human body in general. Oh, I also have dislikes as well, so we're decreased. So to be degraded as almost a sex worker is disheartening, it's horrible. Degraded as almost a sex worker? I am not degraded in my job. There might be clients I dislike and clients who have told no, I do not consent to this interaction. But I would not say I am degraded. I enjoy my job. Sometimes I don't. But that's where consent comes into play. I'm thankfully privileged enough to be able to decline work if I want to. But seeing that on the BBC and seeing it be shared, it was horrible. And it was clearly pushing a certain agenda because I don't know who would have thought that was a good idea. I mean, clearly it was to rake in views, and it's horrible. When I see things like that, it really upsets me and it pushes the movement back. It really gives me a big knock in just why. And I just want to give up some days. And I'm gonna try and not cry because I really want to be strong. And I really want to fight for decriminalization. Days where another sensational headline appears slacking off sex workers, where politicians use people like me as an easy talking point, or where you find yourself explaining the same thing the thousandth time I'm realizing the conversation hasn't moved very far, and don't even get me started on the comedians who poke fun at quote prostitutes because they can't even call us sex workers. Sex work is not sex trafficking, nor any form of coercion. This is something I have to repeat numerous times is propaganda is especially rife when the closing date of the Nordic model is around. That can be exhausting. And people sometimes ask how I don't bear now. And the truth is I I fucking do. I think one of the biggest mistakes activists make is believing they have to be superheroes. And you don't. You don't have to do everything. You're allowed to be tired. You're allowed to log off, you're allowed to take time away, you're allowed to spend an evening watching rubbish television instead of reading another report or responding to another argument online. It's really easy to get caught up in all of that. I sure have. The movement isn't going to collapse because one person took a weekend off. Now something I've had to learn over time. When you care deeply about something, it starts to feel as though you're personally responsible for fixing it. You're not. None of us are. Movements succeed because lots of ordinary people carry a tiny part of weight. If everyone carries a little, nobody has to carry everything. The one little hitch within that is that people like hierarchies, people like to be in charge, and things tend to collapse. Especially when we try to work together, but it just doesn't work. And it can be very, very difficult. And then everybody can get at each other's throats from time to time. But we all just need to think about the cause. And it really, really sucks when you have certain people in a cause and they just want power. Or they just want to get ahead and get famous, and so they use different people as pawns. That's something I've learned over time as well. I also don't think my motivation comes from hope in the way people often imagine. People ask whether I'm optimistic. And honestly, not always. Some days I think change is inevitable. Like I don't think women will actually get equal rights. Not in my lifetime anyway. I don't think that gender pay gap will be non-existent within a few years. Under the government regime we have right now, in the UK especially, things are going from worse to worse. Racists, the far right, are taking over. And it's exhausting and terrifying and horrible to see people suffer. And I get all this privilege because I'm white. And I just see so many people suffering. And getting picked on. And I have to be the minority where I have the most privilege. And it it it's great and privileged, yay. But for my empathic self, it's horrible to see other people suffer just because of the colour of their skin, just because they don't speak this language, just because they're from somewhere else, or they look different. Racism is racism. You can't call it any different. Fascism is fascism. All cops are bastards. Sexism is sexism. Homophobia is homophobia. It is horrible. Horrible the world we live in. Where the government, the UK government, is arming Israel. Trump is doing it as well, and encouraging war. And so is the UK. I hate the world we live in right now. It is filled with misery, despair. And I'm a privileged white person, and I've got a voice. And I hate that I do. Because this shouldn't be happening in the first place. I shouldn't want to use my privilege to try and do better because the world should be better in the first place. It's horrible to think that there are Palestinian children dying every day. Having to have their limbs amputated without an aesthetic. It's horrible. So it is very easy to lose faith. But motivation doesn't have to come from optimism. Sometimes it comes from responsibility. I know people who have been criminalized. I was charged with brothel keeping, thankfully not properly convicted. But that is on my record and I am in the database. I know people whose lives have been made significantly harder because of bad laws. Especially sex working laws where you have solicit solicitation on your record and that prohibits you from actually getting a job. You can't even be a cleaner with having solicitation on your record. For some it can be so difficult, and then they're just in a circle of benefits and benefits, and they can't get out of it. And this is why people do sex work. Because people who have convictions find it incredibly difficult, no matter what conviction it is, to find a job. And you have all these people saying, Oh, people who are on benefits need to, you know, get a job, and it's like we are fucking trying. But the system won't let us. I know people who've lost trust in institutions that were supposed to protect them. If you look back at our episode of Alan Greer, he was a police officer who harmed, raped, stalked, sexually harassed multiple women in the time span of ten years, maybe even more. And he was a police officer. He was a sergeant, I believe, or a constable. And once you've heard enough of these stories, it becomes very difficult to simply shrug and move on. I don't know how people can do that. Just not give a shit about anybody else but themselves. So I keep going because I think it's the right thing to do. Not because I believe I'll personally see the finish line. And I may not like some of the people who I work with or stand with. That's life. But we have one goal, and that is to make the world better for everybody. A lot of social change happens because people plant trees they'll never sit under. And I think that's something quite comforting in accepting your role isn't to do everything. Your role is simply to leave things a little better than you found it. Oh my god, this episode really has me crying. I never expected people to look up to me. I never expected people to watch me on TV. I never expected people to lust over me. I never expected people to want to form friendships with me or to come to my workshops. I I never even s I never could have predicted this future where I ran workshops, where I was on TV, where I was standing up for what I believe in. And the amount of appreciation that I've received from people and applause and admiration and thanks and just like keep going. I never thought I would be in this position of feeling that I've done a good thing and I've actually helped helped. Which is a shame. It is that they just have they just they don't want to understand why I do what I do. Or me wanting to make a difference in other people's lives. As I said, I'm pretty damn fucking privileged. I'm at the top of the fucking castle right now. Um trust me, I've been really at the fucking bottom before. And it's so crazy to think that I've made my way all the way up here and I'm able to do the things I'm able to do. But let me tell you your parents certainly can be your first bullies. And sadly mine just has continued. Um that's why I don't speak to them. Oh, this has turned into a lovely therapy session. I did not realise this would make me cry. But it is crazy. But I do have people in my corner cheering me on It's a shame because right now um I actually have exited Scotland for DeCrim. There was a lot of hierarchy and bullying and rumors. So I didn't really want to be around that. And I certainly didn't want there to be a hierarchy. Um so I'm not a part of Scotland for De Crime anymore, which really, really sucks. Um I will try and do what I can to get decriminalisation out there. And Scotland for DeCrim are currently the only sex worker organisation um in Scotland right now. So this actually leads into another question someone asked me. How do you tell the difference between standing up for what's right and becoming so convinced you're right that you stop questioning yourself? Oh, this was like these questions were deep. Um Yeah, I mean I worry about this all the time. I don't worry about being criticized nearly as much as I worry about being certain. History is full of people who thought they were unquestionably right. Some of them were fighting for justice while others were responsible for enormous harm. The uncomfortable truth is that both groups often felt equally convinced they were on the right side of history. That means certainty isn't evidence. Confidence isn't evidence, passion isn't evidence. Being surrounded by people who agree with you definitely isn't evidence. If anything, I think certainty should make us more cautious. I've become increasingly suspicious of anyone, including myself, who appears to have an answer for absolutely everything. Cause real life is messy, people are messy, politics is messy. Ethics are messy. Sometimes the most honest answer you can give is I don't know or I'm not sure, or even I used to think that, but I'm reconsidering. I don't see those answers as signs of weakness. If anything, I think they're signs of intellectual confidence. One thing I try to ask myself regularly is what evidence would change my mind? If the answer is nothing, then I'm no longer reasoning. I'm defending an identity, and I think identities are dangerous things to build your thinking around. I think you should not stop learning. You should look into every single piece of evidence on the sides for and against. You should see if that evidence is backed up. You should see what proof there is of findings actually being truthful. I think you can very much easily get misled these days, especially by social media. Say the Lindsay Clancy case right now that's going on. I believe she is innocent. I do not think she murdered her children, and even if she did, she, I believe, has postpartum psychosis. Now, I want to do an episode about this because I did have postpartum when I after I was pregnant for a good few months, and it's fucking horrible. And I've listened ridiculously to the defense and the prosecution, the whole court, and the evidence against her is insane. The doctors, the psych ridiculous. Postpartum psychosis and postpartum depression can be endless. It doesn't have an expiration date. And it's horrible to think that just like a few hours or a few days people can easily sum up who you are. And then, you know, you've got facts about like there was no fingerprints, but Patrick's fingerprints were on practically everything. Lindsay's heartbeat wasn't high enough, um, and they were practically sedated for a bunch of it. And then they went head first out a window. Like who does that? Headfirst. Even the examiner said that's quite peculiar. There is so much against the husband, but we're we're not trying the husband, are we? No. Because misogyny demands an answer for the psycho woman who murdered her children. And there is so much online where people are damning Lindsay and they haven't listened. They haven't actually listened to the facts and the evidence, and how it just does not add up. And it is so frustrating and horrible to know that this woman right now is a mistrial, but I know they have appealed to the higher courts and they're waiting on a decision for that, I believe. So and a mistrial does not believe she's doesn't mean she's not guilty. It means she's most likely going to a psych ward, a mental health institution for the rest of her life. Her husband knew the medication she was on and what was happening, and he didn't help. Instead, he took one of their children's daughter, I believe, on a skiing trip, and the daughter came back with a UTI. That's fucking weird. There is so and the guy Patrick Clancy. So not only was there life insurance taken out on the children which he had, there was also the GoFundMe, which raised over a million. Just what the fuck? And he's happy, he's already replaced his wife. And he forgives her but doesn't stand back. Like it's very fucked. And I feel like it's very pitchforky. So that's a good example of people not looking at both sides, and just especially seeing what is just online and assuming, oh yes, this is how it happened. You have to take time out of your day, maybe it might be hours researching, compiling. If you really care about it, you will do the effort. You'll make the effort. If you care about women's rights, if you care about trans rights, if you care about any sort of fucking rights, you'll do the effort in educating yourself. And there are times where I've admitted I'm wrong. Hey, I came from a very racist, uh quite homophobic family, um who were against benefits, who were very I would like to stereotypically say council house. So I had to change a lot growing up into actually becoming an adult. And I had to look at the evidence, I had to educate myself and go, shit, the politicians are fucking assholes. They don't care about the poor, they don't care about the middle class, they don't care about the upper class, they don't care about the working class or anything like that. They don't care about the people on benefits, trying to survive, trying to feed their children. They don't care about that. They just care about if their glasses are full. Never understood that. But that question links neatly to another listener's question. Do you feel your opinions are shaped more by independently exploring different viewpoints or by the consensus of the spaces and communities you're a part of? And the answer's both. I don't think anybody develops opinions in isolation. We all absorb ideas from somewhere. Our parents, our schools, our jobs, our friendships, the books we read, the podcasts we listen to, the creators we watch, and the communities we become a part of. None of us arrive our beliefs through pure independent thought, and I don't think pretending otherwise is particularly helpful. The important thing isn't convincing yourself that you're immune to influence. It's recognising that you aren't. I know Activision has its own echo chambers because every community does. Left wing spaces have them, right ring spaces have them too. Academic spaces have them, online communities. Every group develops ideas that gradually become accepted wisdom. Sometimes those ideas are right, sometimes those ideas aren't. The danger comes when disagreement starts feeling like betrayal, because that's usually the point where curiosity disappears. I've always tried to make a conscious effort to read people I disagree with. Not because I expect them to convert me, but because I want to understand why intelligent people can look at the same evidence and reach completely different conclusions. I believe everybody can be intelligent. They just need to actually have the education, the facts, the truths, not the fact that illegal immigrants are coming into this country by the millions and by the thousands, and they're getting iPhones and five-star hotels. There is no evidence to support that. Sometimes I finish reading and think, no, I still disagree. Trust me, I've seen the booklets. Other times I realise they've highlighted a weakness in my own thinking. Both outcomes are useful. That naturally brings me to another question. Are there examples of agreeing with something that don't normally line up with your general left wing views? Or is the right always inherently wrong? Now I don't know if I would call myself like left wing. I I don't know. Right now, yes. Maybe. Um I would say I'm a feminist, but it's kind of make-believe in a way. Because I would think call for me, calling yourself a feminist would mean that you think there is a possibility of having equal rights or very close to that, but I don't think in my lifetime there will be. And that is something which I've came to terms with, and it sucks. And there are certainly conservative criticisms that I think are worth taking seriously. I think bureaucracy can become bloated. I think activision sometimes becomes performative. As I mentioned, I've left Scotland for D-Crim. Um and I know certain people just want to use people as pawns instead of having friendships, and I don't agree with that. I think there are occasions where people prioritise looking morally correct over actually persuading anyone. I think social media has encouraged a style of political discussion where winning an argument matters more than understanding someone or the actual topic. Factually. Those aren't exclusively right wing observations. They're just simply observations. Equally, there are plenty of left wing ideas I strongly support and right wing ideas I strongly oppose. The point isn't trying to achieve balance for the sake of it. The point is judging arguments on their merits. If someone I usually disagree with makes a good point, it's still a good point. Like I had an argument with somebody about the Nordic model who felt strongly about implying implying? Yeah, implying the Nordic model in the UK. And we both agreed on the fact that we want sex workers to be as safe as possible. I mean they didn't say sex workers, they said other words, but we still want women to be as safe as possible, and that's a point which you know swerfs about sex work want to try and make clear, but kinda don't at the same time because the evidence behind an order model says it's not safe for sex workers, but yeah. Like when it comes to capitalism, um and being like a socialist, and with like the Green Party, they wanted they want to like basically get rid of landlords and everything like that, in my eyes, um, from actually being a landlord, um, not on purpose, but it was definitely a weird two years, which I don't know if I want to repeat, just because my tenant wasn't the nicest, he was actually very against women, which I didn't realise. Uh not the greatest. Um but they wanted to like eradicate landlords and things to an extent, but I see like the council being a landlord in a sense, where you have people who are overlooking your property, and they can say what you do with it and what you can't do with it and who you have there and everything like that. So yeah, and you know, I want rent caps and everything like that. Um I I mean in the ideal world I wish that nobody had to pay for food, healthcare, housing, all that stuff. But it's not a world we live in. And it's not the world I'm ever going to see, which really, really is sad. And for my kids, I know that it's it's a horrible fucking struggling world out there. And the thought of me not being here and them struggling or just yeah, I mean I'm gonna help them out as much as possible because it's bullshit. The world is just so against the people who make it. Quite literally. And if someone I usually agree with makes a bad argument, it's still a bad argument. I don't want to outsource my thinking to a political team, and I don't think anyone else should either. Weirdly enough, that brings me to the final question. I'm 32 years old and I've started exploring BDSM. I'm moving away from a vanilla sex life, am I too old to change? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd say the opposite. One of the healthiest things a person can do is allow themselves to keep changing. We have this strange cultural expectation that by the time you're thirty you've finished becoming yourself. You've picked your career, your politics, your hobbies, your sexuality, your personality, your ten year plan of what you want to achieve. And now you simply carry on being that person for the next fifty years. Human beings don't work like that. We grow, we lose confidence, and then find it again. We become parents, we get divorced, we move countries, we meet lose we meet new people, we lose people, we discover interests we never imagined having. Our values shift, our priorities change, and our understanding of ourselves evolve. Our sex lives are no different. Thirty-two isn't late. Forty isn't late, sixty isn't late either. I've spoken to people who discovered BDSM after twenty years of marriage. People who realised they were queer in retirement and people who didn't have their first genuinely fulfilling sexual experiences until much later in life. Could say some courtesy of myself, but that's too at my own horn. Growth doesn't have an expiry date, and people need to stop thinking that way. The important thing isn't trying to become less vanilla. It's becoming more honest and more in communication with yourself. If you're curious, then simply explore safely. Learn, communicate, negotiate. Take your time. Take your time. Curiosity isn't something to be embarrassed by. And I think that's where all these questions meet. Whether we're talking about activism activism, politics, community or sex, the common thread is curiosity. Hold on to your values. Stand up for people. Fight for what you believe is right. But don't become so attached to being right that you stop learning. Don't mistake everything Bulla. Don't mistake certainty for wisdom. Don't mistake loyalty for trust and truth. Don't mistake consistency for integrity. Sometimes integrity means admitting you got something wrong. Sometimes growth means changing your mind. Sometimes courage isn't refusing to move. Sometimes courage is moving when the evidence tells you to. So whether you're campaigning for legal reform, questioning your political assumptions, wondering if your community has shaped you more than you'd like, or simply asking whether you're allowed to discover something new about yourself at 32. My answer's the same. Keep asking questions. Keep being curious. Keep giving yourself permission to evolve. I don't think the goal in life is to become someone who never changes. I think the goal is to become someone who changes for good reasons while never losing the humanity. Humility to ask what if I'm wrong? Because I think that's where real growth begins. This has been Behind the Battle Podcast with me, Pulse and Victoria. Thank you so much for listening. This has been such a tearjerker one. I hate it. I love it secretly. But thank you truly for listening. If you like this episode, please leave a like, a follow, um five star review wherever you're listening. Whether that be Apple, Spotify, or anywhere else. That's gonna be all for today. Bye