SPEAKER_00 0:00

I started this a wee while ago because well I think it's really really needed not only for myself because I really do enjoy educating people. I started to also do these sessions, workshops in person, and I got an influx of people and I did not realize how many people really really needed this. So there will be a break in between because there are many many pages and I've tried to include as much detail as possible. So who am I? Well, I'm Boss and Victoria. I'm known by a few names. I am a sex worker who's been in the industry for nine years. And have been involved in BDSM for more than that. My experiences come from sex work and my own personal just lifestyle. I've seen a lot throughout the years. I've seen virgins, experienced people, men who want to improve their sex life, improve their confidence, confused about kinks, concerns, where B. This is something I deeply specialise in. And if any of you have known my journey and what I've always said is that I would love to be some sort of counsellor slash coach where it comes to sexual health, where it comes to especially self-confidence. So this PowerPoint, this event, this workshop is just from what I've experienced and how I've not just been able to help my clients, but also strangers and my friends. We're not going to go massively deep with science. We're not going to be talking about difficult words, no deep diving into scientific words or anything like that. This is from my own experience. So, expectations and awareness, performance anxiety and building confidence, overthinking and how to stay present, managing self-doubt and feeling not good enough, navigating an experience with honesty and communication, creating comfort through preparation and familiarity, understanding how to better connection with and please a partner, how to ask what someone likes, how to express yourself, avoiding awkwardness, reading body language, knowing the woman's ovulation phases, hormones, making things feel natural instead of awkward. So this is what we're going to talk about just at the start. So performance anxiety and building confidence. Performance anxiety happens when intimacy starts to feel like something you have to succeed at rather than your experiencing together. You may worry about staying aroused, lasting long enough, making your partner orgasm, or knowing the right technique, or being compared with previous partners. Now, all of that I have experienced either within my own lifestyle or within personal. And I understand that it can be really, really hard for penis owners to stay aroused and you know to have that blood pump in in certain areas when their mind is elsewhere being very anxious and nervous about what is happening. That is completely normal. That is you don't have to worry about that massively deeply. The problem is that the more you're thinking, Am I doing this right? the harder it can be to relax and respond naturally. Confidence doesn't mean knowing everything. Sexual confidence is being comfortable communicating, asking what someone enjoys, accepting the feedback, and understanding that every partner is different. You don't have to prove you're good in bed, you have to be willing to learn the person you're in bed with while also learning about yourself. So say for instance, if you want to just take it really slow, that's totally fine. You need to communicate that with the other person. I've had sessions where we don't focus on the penis. I don't mention coming, I don't mention orgasming, I don't sometimes I might not even touch the penis. That is one of the ways where it can potentially help you. As I said, with this PowerPoint, you can pick bits off of it and you can try certain things, but it's not gonna be like um how do I say it's not gonna solve every problem you have. It's not gonna be like, oh, if I do this, it's gonna be amazing. It might not be. And this is the whole thing with sex, especially, where you just gotta try it. And you might have to try it again or again, and that's okay, that's completely fine. With this as well, another tip which I've seen succeed is praise. When the penis owner has been praised multiple times about them doing a good job, I've seen that actually affect the penis and the mindset, and that has been shown to help people come. So again, there's lots of different ways. Um yeah, overthinking takes you out of the experience and puts you inside your own head. It's horrible being inside your own head. Instead of noticing your partner, you might be thinking, d do they like this? Am I taking too long? What should I do next? Do I look stupid? Why aren't they reacting more? And trust me, even as a professional, I still get these thoughts in my head. Like, they're not making noise. Am I doing this right? Are they are they actually enjoying this? Being present means focusing less on what you think should happen next and paying attention to what's actually happening. You need to think about what's happening in the moment. Notice breathing, movement, sounds, body language, and how your partner responds. Slow down, make eye contact, if appropriate. Check in and remember that you don't always need another move. Sometimes people rush from one thing to another because they think variety equals skill. If something is working, you don't necessarily need to change. Now both person uh both professional and lifestyle, I've had it where somebody is really enjoying a particular thing, and I think, oh no, we maybe we should move on to another because they're still they're gonna enjoy the next thing as well. But they've tr done this for like 30 minutes. Just chill, just relax, be in that moment. There is no need to rush or do anything rash, and you could always check in with that person and say, Hey, do you want to move on? And if they say, No, I'm good, then you know you've got that signal, you've got that communication. So managing self-doubt and feeling not good enough. People can compare themselves with porn, which we're gonna talk about in later um pages, but previous partners, stories of head, and unrealistic expectations of what a good lover should be. You might worry about your body about your body or your experience, sexual performance, or whether you're exciting enough. That person is playing with you because they already think you're exciting. They're already attracted to you in general. You don't need to think, Are you exciting enough? They're there. They want to play with you, they want to be there with you. You've got that box ticked already. But intimacy isn't an isn't an exam, and your partner isn't secretly holding a scorecard. Instead of asking yourself, am I good enough? try asking, Am I listening, communicating, and responding to this person. Being attentive, respectful, and r receptive to feedback can matter far more than having a huge amount of experience. And don't make your partner responsible for constantly reassuring you as well. There's a difference between admitting you're nervous and repeatedly asking them to prove that you're good enough. Like if you're doing a scene or the non-BDSM term, if you're having sex then you can ask them, but as you should just keep going with what you're doing if they don't object or if they don't show some sort of negative movement. So don't fake experience. Please, especially in a BDSM setting. The amount of times I have either played with somebody or somebody has told me they have experience with a certain thing, especially toys, or if they're amazing with women down below, usually eating women out. Um and they either don't have experience or they are just not great with communication, or they think everybody is the same. Don't fake that you've done something. It can genuinely be dangerous, especially in a BDSM aspect. You don't need to pretend you've done something before because you're embarrassed about being inexperienced. So yeah. Right. Sometimes confidence improves simply because you've removed unnecessary uncertainty. Think about the environment beforehand. Where are you going to be playing? Do you know what the environment looks like? Do you know where the lubricant is? Uh where the bathroom is? Do you know where the clean toys are? Water, towels, medication, um accessibility needs. That's if like you're going to a munch or a play party or something like that. Um if there's any privacy areas. So say if you want to go to a quiet room with somebody to like just relax, take five minutes. Do you know where that is? Is there a place with that? Um again, contraception slash barriers, are there condoms? Do you need to bring your own? Um, knowing where everything is can prevent you scrambling around when you're already nervous. And again, this is from like my own experience where like I've gone to a dungeon that I've never been before, and my god, I have scrambled before. I have absolutely panicked because um I'm a very spontaneous person. So in scenes, I will spontaneously just be like, oh, we could use this, we could do that, it would be really great if I could incorporate this. And then I am stuck scrambling to search for the particular items which I don't even know if they have in that dungeon. So it's really, really good to prepare beforehand. Um understanding how to better connect with and please a partner. This is where I'd really challenge the idea that there's a secret technique that works on everyone. Because there isn't. I'm not gonna just bullshit you, it's all complicated. Every single person is complicated, every freaking technique is complicated. It's all difficult. It's not all sunshines and rainbows and sprinkles. It's difficult. This is this is the whole reason why I'm having a workshop. Bodies, desires and preferences vary enormously. Some some think one person loves could be neutral, uncomfortable, or completely unwanted by someone else. Rather than thinking how do I please this person, instead think how do I learn what this person enjoys. Again, being a professional, so I'm a f a professional dominatrix and I also escort as well. So I have had many intimate um experiences with people, as mainly men. Um and this genuinely is the case where they think everybody with a vagina loves their clitoris going a million miles per hour, um, or they like um they think the vagina owner loves um them pretending to be a vampire and sucking all the frickin' blood out of the clitoris. It's it's not for everybody. And yeah, this is why I had this workshop because I need people to understand that just because your previous partners liked something does not mean the next person's gonna like it either. You can absolutely be like, hey, do you wanna try this? Or do you want to try that? And communicate that way. Don't just go full force into I'm gonna suck your blood, you know? So questions can be simple. Um, just like, do you like that? More or less pressure? Want me to keep going? Show me how you like it. Oh my god, it is extremely hot, so hot when somebody is saying playing with the vibrator. And you know, with a vagina, sometimes you need a certain toy in a particular position to proper, you know, get you off, get you happy. And the person giving you that pleasure, if they ask, show me how you like it, that is so hot to me. That shows so much confidence and just so much wanting to learn about the person, that is so attractive. Um and don't treat an orgasm as the only measurement of success. So we are gonna come back to orgasms because I'm sure some of you guys might be a little bit shocked with what I'm gonna say on a few of the pages. Pleasure, connection, trust, excitement, and enjoyment all matter. So you're trying to put all those six together. There's a shit ton of questions that can be had if you want to have an amazing time playing. I've seen people play where they don't ask questions or anything like that. That's fine if you want to play with a stranger and potentially not get a hundred percent pleasure out of it. But I've also seen where people ask tons of questions to each other, and it's not just the person who is giving that is asking the questions. So we are going to talk about SDIs and SDDs now, because I have seen a very much lack of education when it comes to certain things like this. Um if you are sexually active as well, damn one thing which I didn't put in this. Um you should get yourself tested at least once a month. It's it's good, it's great. Um yeah. Yeah. It's just as simple as that. Sexually transmitted infections, SDIs, are infections that can be passed between people through sexual or intimate contact. You do not have to have penetrative sex to catch an SDI, and many infections can be passed even when someone has no visible symptoms. SDIs can be transmitted through vaginal or anal sex, through semen, vaginal fluids, blood and contact with infected tissue. Oral sex infections such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, and syphilis can affect or be transmitted through the mouth and throat. Skin to skin genital contact herpes, HPV and syphilis can spread through contact with affected skin, including areas a condom may not cover. Sharing sex toys. Infections can be transferred through bodily fluids on toys if they're shared without appropriate cleaning or changing condoms between users. It is very important to use condoms on toys. A lot of like sex workers in the industry do it, and I do not know why it has not been widely adapted to just non-professional usage. It just makes sense if you want to be the safest as possible. Blood-to-blood contact, HIV and hepatitis B, and hepatitis C, which is primarily bloodborne, can be transmitted through infected blood, including through shared needles. So this also means when it comes to needle play, any type of sharps play within BDSM. I know you won't be sharing any needles potentially. Depends what type of scene you're going for, really. But if you prick somebody with a needle, if you do needle play or a scalpel, and you get that their blood onto you, and you have a scab or something like that, or if you put a needle through somebody's skin and you accidentally prick your own finger, and then you also put that finger in your mouth, you can contact, um you can transmit SDIs. Bloodborne, um, yeah, it's it's not great. It's not good. I used to teach a needle workshop as well. So knowing things here and there, even if you do not and um include yourself in needle play, it is really smart to know, honestly, so you can just advise other people as well. Um yeah, close intimate contact, pubic lice and scabies can spread through close body contact and sometimes through contaminated bedding, clothing or towels. It is a scary world when it comes to uh STIs. So, common types. We've already gone through a few of these. Uh chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are bacterial. These can generally be cured with appropriate antibiotics, although antibiotic resistant um gonorrhea is an in is an increasing concern. So if you have had a lot of antibiotics, depending on what those antibiotics are as well, um you can um become immune to a few things because science has shown the more we take antibiotics, the more we can actually become immune to antibiotics. So just keep that in mind. Um, this is just antibiotics in general, so if you have just an ear infection or something like that, yep, our bodies have started to become immune to antibiotics. It's not great. Uh viral HIV, gentle herpes, HPV, and hepatitis B. Treatment and outcomes vary. For example, HIV can be. Very effectively controlled with medication these days, while many HPV infections are naturally cleared by the immune system. Uh parasitic, I don't even f think I'm gonna say that word because I don't know how to say that word. My dyslexia, no. Dapping out with that. Public lice and scabies can be treated with appropriate medication. Um you cannot tell whether somebody has an STI by looking at them. Many STIs can cause no symptoms at all, which is why testing, honest communication, barriers such as condoms, um, dental dams as well for the vagina, appropriate toy hygiene and vaccinations for HPV and hepatitis B can all be important parts of safer sex. I have asked myself this many many times because I'm like, what it's just what um simply put, a sexually transmitted infection is the broader term, and an SDI on its own is not necessarily something that will develop into a disease. You may carry the infection and even be contagious, but it may never lead to any symptoms or cause you real health problems. Of the two terms, this makes STI slightly less definitive. It's also a phrasing that certain medical professionals hope will create less of a stigma around sex-related conditions. It's likely that this is the reason why you will no longer find the term STD used on sites like DNHS or the FPA Family Planning Association, if anybody is here from America. Ultimately, you shouldn't exhaust yourself trying to understand the very subtle difference between these terms. What is important is getting to grips with the symptoms of sexually transmissive infections and diseases and learning how best to protect yourself. Okay, so right. So if anybody does have a lovely ovaries, um this is the cycle. Oh god, this is torture, um honestly, for myself, uh being a cis woman. Um I tried to make sense of just the monthly hormone cycle. Um I'll be honest, it depends who you play with. They probably have their own cycle, um, and it depends also what birth control they are on, if they are on any birth control at all. Um, they might also be in menopause. So we've got the luteal phase, we've got the menstrual phase, which is when you're bleeding, the follicular phase and the ovatory phase. Uh I think that's when you're most horny, apparently. Um so I have an app called Flow that tracks everything for me. I I am somebody who has autism with ADHD, so it can be very difficult for me to remember or want to actually open up the app and put things in. But it is very, very useful. So if you are somebody who has ovaries, or if you have a partner who does, I definitely would suggest tracking your cycles, trying to find out uh what your moods are like during the months, because it does make a difference when you can track it. You can attempt to make sense of it, and your partner can also just understand a bit better. When you're in your when say like the first day of your period, um I would definitely suggest boosting your iron. So take some supplements and omega-3, it does help. Um, it sucks. Um, having ovaries, it really fucking does. Um, I'm not gonna say it's all happy or anything. I mean, I'm on birth control, I'm on the implant, which is in my arm, and I can get about three periods a month. So uh tracking it can kind of be impossible. Um, but we do try on flow. You can connect with your partner. You can also do this on a spreadsheet, it depends how spicy you are. So, yeah, I so like this is just an assumption of what that person could potentially be like. Um I'm not gonna talk about moods or anything like that because that is just completely up in the air. Honestly. Um I couldn't tell you that I'm a certain way this day, I'm a certain way that way. I could potentially roughly say, but it all depends, especially if there's stress levels or there's something else on their mind. Um, it can be a bit of a struggle. So the follicular phase, the first half of the menstrual cycle, it begins on the first day of your period and ends when an egg is released during ovulation, driven by rising estrogen. This phase prepares your body for pregnancy by maturing an egg and thickening your um uterine lining. It typically lasts 10 to 16 days, but can vary depending on the individual and the cycle. During the follicular phase, tired and crampy during your period to feeling energized and focused and confident. At least that's what you know that's what it's meant to do. But again, you've also got to think about what medication that person's on. If they are taking antidepressants, if they are taking weight loss drugs, everything like oh everything matters. I cannot stress enough. So the ovulation phase is a phase in your menstrual cycle when your ovary releases an egg. The egg travels down your fallopian tube where it can be fertilized by sperm. This can start pregnancy. On average, this happens on day 14 of a 28-day menstrual cycle. Remember that day one is the first day of your period. The estrogen surge can leave you feeling more outgoing or energetic through hormonal fluctuations and can also cause mild bloating or moodiness. Now, something else people might not know is that um with the menstrual cycles, we can get, depending on what phase we're in, we can get diarrhea, we can get constipation, we can maybe not have an appetite, or we can gorge on food. It's relentless. So the menstrual phase, the period, the start of the menstrual cycle during which the uterus sheds its thickened lining if pregnancy has not occurred. It typically lasts three to seven days and is marked by bleeding, the passage of tissue, and low hormone. During your period phase, hormonal drops often leave you feeling physically drained and low in energy. Many people experience classic physical symptoms like cramps and bloating alongside emotional shifts such as irritability, mood swings, and a need for more rest. Definitely when you're on your period, um women are actually supposed to get at least eight to like ten hours sleep at night. So definitely be clocking up to at least ten hours. Try to, you know, maybe take a nap during the day. It is really important and it will help a bit. Um, yeah, I personally need to sleep a lot during my period. Like napping is a total must for me. Uh the luteal phase, it begins immediately after ovulation and ends when a period starts. Its primary function is to prepare the uterus for potential pregnancy. The luteal phase pre period is this is the week or two before menstruation. Dropping estrogen and proestrogen levels directly impact brain chemicals like serotonin, which regulates the mood, leading to heightened sensitivity, anxiety, and shorter temperature. This I do absolutely 100% deal with. During this phase, I personally am so distant to my partner, and I feel like there isn't any love between us. And even though there massively is, I know this will fade, but it's very hard to keep focused on the good. It's like yeah, just don't try and not get into an argument or fights, it's very, very difficult, and you just need to be patient with that person and be fucking understanding because we cannot help it. We can guide ourselves to potentially make it better, but we didn't we didn't choose this, it's very difficult for us. It really is. So, hygiene. We're gonna talk about SMegma. Uh make sure you shower. Just in general. Especially before play. Uh give yourself down there a good wash as well. Um if you are a uh fluffier person, bigger person, um make sure you really get in between those folds. Pink after play. Okay, so we're gonna talk about that more. Uh clean your asshole. Doesn't matter what gender you are, man, just clean your asshole. If you want to do some play, do some play. But just clean your asshole. We're gonna dive more into all this. Uh foreskin. We're gonna talk more about that. Bad breath, just brush. Just brush, mate. Or keep mints. And if your dental hygiene is that bad, go to a dentist. Figure out what's up. Mm-hmm. You might have tonsil stones or something like that. Um good feet. I'm sorry, this is just one which I really need my play partners to have. Um, I have seen a lot of feet, and I I have had my feet worshipped before. Love that, it's great. So I myself um have good feet hygiene because if you have bad feet, uh it really puts me off. It's really, really off-putting. Um, I need your feet trimmed beautifully. Hey, if you you don't need to go get a pedicure, but if you go get a pedicure, oh, you are so much more attractive in my eyes, and I'm sure a lot of other people's eyes, it's just hot taking care of yourself. It just is. So, yeah, self-care is very, very, very important, even when it comes down to like a beard or um your hair, self-care, dude. Take care of yourself. You are presenting yourself to other people all the time. Look your best. So, short fingernails, right? Let me show you mine. Oh god. Wait, I do not know how to do this. I do not know. Oh wait, press that. Okay, so short fingernails. You might notice I have long on one hand, short on the other, very short. So when it comes to fingernails, we do not really want anything over the tip, the flesh of your finger. Because and you can try this yourself by inserting a finger into your asshole. Mm-hmm. Right into that asshole. And see if it hurts. If you put your finger in your asshole hurts, then your fingernails too long. I personally get rid of any white, mainly on this hand, just on this hand. Um just because I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to cut anybody. Um especially if you're also going in the vagina as well, you don't want to hurt anybody. It's it's just that simple. Um yeah, do not go in with claws like this. That is no, no. I know I've seen guys who like play guitar and things like that. That's great, that's wonderful. Just just have some short fingernails, and then you can insert them. Otherwise, there will be cuts, and then those cuts can turn into like um SDIs, potentially, depending on activity of um whoever they're playing with and things like that, or it can just turn into a scab, and that's that's not good. That's not good at all. We do not want that. Um, especially if you get caught in the vagina, it is a moist area. Healing, even on the outside, it's a bitch. Trust me, you do not want to do that. Um, I'm speaking from just using a razor uh just to shave myself. It's not great. You're gonna be healing for like a few weeks. Um, so yeah, short fingernails, it's a total must if you plan to put your fingers inside anybody. Especially even if it's the mouth, even if it's putting your fingers in somebody's mouth. Just be cautious and make sure there's no sharp edges. So yeah. Let's go back to this.

unknown 37:16

So animals. Right.

SPEAKER_00 37:20

So for the vagina owners. Uh being after play, especially vagina owners, can lessen the chances of UTIs. Um yeah, simple as. Um we vagina owners, we do not have something that flushes our um oh my god, what is it called? The pea hole. Um my god, it would come to me. Uh we don't have anything that basically flushes that out, apart from our own pee. So that is really, really important. So clean asshole. Enemas, when it comes to butt play, it's always best to read up in more depth on advice. But let's go over the basics. An anal douche flushes warm water through the anus, offering a clean feeling before anal play or sex, though it's not strictly necessary to douche. So bulb douches are the easiest and safest for beginners, while shower attachments require extra care with pressure and temperature. Do not I repeat do not put hot water, burn and hot water in your ass, okay? Eurephra, that's the word. Thank you very much. Do not put bending hot water in your asshole. Please don't. You will get fed degree fucking burns. Also, do not put freezing cold water in your asshole. That's not good. No. It is why you do not stick ice cubes up your vagina or your asshole. You can get uh just really bad shock from it. It's not good. It's like dunking yourself into like an ice bath. Some people are prepared for it, some people aren't. We kinda shouldn't do it. So give yourself at least an hour to prep for anal sex. Go to the toilet first, shower, make sure you wash between your cheeks. Um, if you decide to douche, use only lukewarm water, never soap, to avoid irritation. Um, I've had um people who choose to fast just because they wanna be extra, extra, extra cautious on making sure that there will be nothing down below. Now, if a sho if a surprise does happen, you do a fucking anal. It might happen. It's it's not gonna be like, oh, if I do this, it's not gonna, you know, come about. There's always a possibility. And you should never feel ashamed of shitting on the bed. Okay? It happens, we've all done it like Don't worry. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Perfectly natural. You're going in the ass, okay? Shit is to sort of be expected. Shit will go down at that moment. So yeah, and no matter how long yeah, as I said, no matter how long you um give yourself shit might happen, alright? Now, lube. I will repeat this in the later slide. Lube's essential. Use lube. Lube is like if if right, if I'm um if I'm an atheist, but if somebody did create this earth, right? If God did make this, right they created lube, right? Fucking use it. Please. It is it it's fucking amazing, right? Do it. Use as much. Does not matter where it goes, how much you use, please use lube, alright? Um the anus doesn't self-lubricate. So apply the lube to the nozzle of your douche, as well as your anal opening and inner rim before insertion. Take it slow but gentle. Squeeze the bulb. So if you look up, I probably should have um done another slide just on what douches look like. I'll add that in the next one. Uh I was too busy adding like 30 fucking slides today. This past week. Um, I did it was on my mind for a moment. Um But yeah, it literally looks like a bulb. It's okay, it's not too bad. Um, sometimes you might have to like squeeze it really hard or like fucking go upside down just to put the water in. But it works a bit, it's alright, it's not too bad. Um yeah, hold for a few seconds before letting the walk water exit naturally. Make sure not to add too much pressure as your body responds to the sensations. Don't overdo it. Avoid excessive or aggressive douching, as repeatedly flushing the rectum can irritate its delicate lining. If you choose to douche, be gentle and avoid harsh soaps, disinfectants or fragrance products. Give yourself time afterwards and stop if you experience pain, burning or bleeding. Remember, douching is about cleanliness and personal preference. It does not protect you from STIs. Condoms plenty condoms slash barriers, plenty of lube, appropriate STI testing and other prevention options are what help reduce transmission risk. SMegma Again working as a sex worker has exposed me to lots of lovely smelly white smegma. SMegma is a white coating slash substance that can be found over the head slash glands of the penis and the foreskin. It is made up of a combination of oils, Dead skin cells and moisture, and it behaves as a natural lubricant to keep the genital moist and allows the foreskin to be retracted during sexual intercourse. This does not mean that you need it or you should have it. Um, it can get really really smelly, but we're gonna mention more about that in a minute. Excessive smegma um can predispose a person to bacteria or fungal infection, and one may notice an odorous penis. Seek a doctor's help if that is occurring. And like you can get nose blind, you really can. So if somebody does say you have a smell or if they make a face when they go down on you, maybe investigate that. Um if the foreskin is too tight to retract, you may have uh phimosis. I'm sure I've said that wrong. While normal in young children, if it persists past puberty or causes pain during urination or erection, you should consult a doctor. You should be able to retract your foreskin. You should be able to do that. The warm moist environment under an uncircumcised or tight foreskin makes it an ideal breeding ground for bacteria, fungi and viruses. STIs like chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, and HPV can easily thrive there, often leading to inflammation or infections like balantis. Yes. So I actually know sex workers and just people in general who will not touch penises that have type 4 skin. It is a general general health and safety concern, and it does need to be looked at for not just the person who you want to play with, but for yourself. Again, self-care. Um regularly during a shower or bath, gently pull back the foreskin and wash the head and inner skin with warm water to remove smegma. In addition, s megma buildup and hardening can cause irritation, redness, swelling, and inflammation on the penis. So I thought, you know what, why not add about uh vaginal cleaning? Because I didn't have this in the last one, and I kind of felt like I was just picking on the penis owners. So just in case vagina owners do not know how to clean themselves. Um, douching, washing slash flushing inside the vagina. It can disrupt the normal vaginal environment and is associated with problems including bacterial vaginosis. The vagina doesn't need to be internally cleaned out. Um, also, um, cool fact, which I don't think I put on here. Um, if, say, for instance, your partner gives you a cream pie, that means you are having unprotected sex and they come inside of you. Your pH balance can be fucking thrown off. Like it'll be on the edge of the cliff, and then the con will be coming towards it, and it'll just fucking kick itself off. Um therefore, your discharge can actually become discolored, and it can become a different consistency, and it can become smelly. So fucking blame them. Um it's it's fucking annoying, it honestly is. So, yeah, you don't need to douche or clean inside the vagina after sex. Gently cleaning externally is enough if you want to. Urinating after sex may help reduce the risk of UTIs, particularly for people prone to them. Um, women are very prone, especially if you're pregnant, um you're prone to UTIs and bacterial vaginosis. It's much more common when you're pregnant. It's crazy. Um yeah, it doesn't prevent STIs, if you pee after sex, or clean up after sex. Normal vagina normal vaginal discharge helps keep the vagina clean and moist. Its amount and consistency can change throughout the menstrual cycle. A strong unpleasant a strong slash unpleasant smell, unusual colour or texture, itching, pelvic pain, bleeding or pain when urinating can be reasons to speak to a sexual health clinic or a healthcare professional rather than trying to wash it away. So some of these are going to be repeated, but that's just to get into your skulls, okay? A vagina naturally has a smell. A vagina does not smell like roses and daisies. Can people please get this in their heads? There is a natural smell of the vagina, and especially the discharge. It's natural. Don't be a prick and like scrunch up your face, especially if you get discharged while eating somebody out. Just chill, dude. We can't fucking help it. Like just deal with it. If you like that person, then I'm sure you can overcome what naturally comes out of their body. Um yeah, what's more important is recognising a significant change from what's normal for you, particularly alongside itching, soreness, pain, and unusual discharge. Uh clean toys accordingly to the manufacturer's instructions. If toys are being shared between partners or moved between different body areas, using using a new condom slash barriers or properly cleaning them between uses can reduce the infection risk. So we're now going to talk about understanding intimacy, not just the mechanics. Connection versus performance, slowing down, being present, awareness of your partner, why people feel inexperienced or anxious, performance pressure, overthinking, everybody is different. It certainly isn't one shoe fits all. Confidence versus experience. And then we're going to be talking about around arousal, control, and pacing. So how do I last longer? Not rushing. Foreplay does not start in the bedroom. Please, uh, I need to circle that one. There's a very, very important. It can take a woman 10 to 20 minutes to get aroused and 10 to 40 minutes to reach orgasm. So we're gonna talk about managing the build-up, staying in control, understanding your body, and we're gonna talk about edging. So if you are struggling playing with somebody, um play with that same person multiple times. There's no shame in that. Keep doing that. Um I actually didn't have hire a sex worker and hire a sexual therapist on my previous PowerPoints. Literally occurred to me an hour ago that oh, somebody could hire a sex worker, you know, my fucking job. So hiring a sex worker is really, really good. Um, mainly if they do specialize in seeing newbies or people who need to gain confidence or have guidance. Um, same with hiring a sexual therapist. They're basically the same person, but in the sense of you're not taking off their clothes and you know they're not doing the dirty with you. They're just talking, and you're probably on a sofa laying down and they're writing notes. Um a good thing to try and get more intimacy is try hugging for three minutes. See what you get out of that. It's just always nice. A nice hug. That's a long hug. So don't have hesitation, just take the leap of faith. If you think, you know, do you want to play with this person, just ask. And if you are doing a scene with that person, if you're having sex with them, uh uh again, what I've said previously, uh ask them if they want to play with this or if they like that. If you want to deepen the connection with your partner, try looking in each other's eyes for three minutes. It is a lot to do with connection. Connection, trust, intimacy, putting faith in that person and really enjoying being around them. I mean, you can go out and have a shag. That's a shag. But if you want something to mean something and you want to explore, get to know that person or just yourself, then this all needs to happen. Think about how much pleasure you could give that person. Imagine them loving it, but also having regular check-ins. So what we've mentioned previously. You could inhale if you're really, really nervous, right? And you want to try and focus. A lot of exercises, what you can do, they work with anxiety and depression also. So inhaling for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, and exhaling it for four seconds, and pausing for four seconds. This can potentially, for certain people, can create a calm and focused rhythm. It really is up to yourself to try and control how you behave, and it's hard. It is really, really difficult. Um most men think they experience these two events uh what have I done? I've gotten rid of the title. So coming and orgasm. Most men think they experience these two events uh similes simultaneously. The truth is they do occur near each other, but for some men they feel an orgasm right before they ejaculate, and other men begin to ejaculate and then feel the orgasm. Both of these are perfectly normal. Their pulsating contractions of an ejaculation are pleasurable, but they are not really part of the orgasm any more than the pleasurable stimulation on the penis is part of the orgasm. So vagina owners can absolutely feel this as well. Um I know this first hand where I can literally feel the pulsating contractions after oh. Oh my god, it's it's good. It's good. Interesting enough, some men learn to separate an ejaculation from an orgasm. Some men can learn to have multiple orgasms and never ejaculate until they choose to do so. This takes a lot of practice, but it can be done. Some men learn to have whole body orgasms from anal slash prostate stimulation. These orgasms do not have an accompanying ejaculation. In fact, these orgasms have nothing to do with the penis at all. There are ancidotal stories of men who have experienced spinal cord injuries who cannot feel their penis, but can give themselves an orgasm from stimulating other parts of their body, such as armpits or neck. Some men can give themselves orgasm from nipple stimulation, some men can ejaculate slash orgasm without touching their penis at all. Ejaculation is the pulsating contraction of pelvic slash penile muscles to expel semen. Ejaculations can include one or many muscular contractions that can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to thirty seconds or more. It is normal for the semen to dribble out and it is also normal for the semen to shoot several feet. Everyone is different. For some men, no semen will come out. That does not mean that there was no ejaculation. It is simply called a dry ejaculation. The ejaculation process is controlled by a lower spinal cord nodule that acts as a miniature brain controlling sexual response. An orgasm is the euphoric feeling that occurs with the climax. Very often an orgasm can contribute to muscle spasms, vocal sounds and other bodily movements. But these movements do not aid in the expulsion of semen. An orgasm is caused by a sudden release of brain chemicals. These euphoric sensations can be described as big, small, genital focused, whole body and can even seem to immaculate from various areas of the body. Orgasms can last anywhere from a few seconds to 15 to 20 seconds for some men, but the average for most men is five to ten seconds. With women my Frenchie. With women, it can be the same, but potentially lasting up to a minute. What matters is that your health. How your body is. Not paying attention, whether that be to your partner or to yourself. You have to be in the zone. If you don't want to play, you don't want to play. If you don't want to have sex, you don't want to have sex. Communicate that. So the vagina, right? This is probably the most PG picture I could find of the vulva and the vagina. Easily uh showing you and with it being labelled. Um so the vagina is highly elastic and acts like an accordion, allowing it to widen and change depth during sexual arousal. Now, this does not fucking mean that it's gonna be like absolutely gigantic and you're gonna like be able to walk in and have a fucking field day, and there's gonna be like so many attractions there. No. While the average resting depth of the vagina is roughly two to four inches, it is a highly elastic muscle. During sexual arousal, the vagina expands and elongates through a process called tenting, which often increases its depth to between four and eight inches to comfortably accommodate penetration or childbirth. So aging and menopause, as estrogen drops during menopause, the vaginal lining can become less elastic, thinner or shorter, sometimes leading to less elasticity. So it depends um depends who you're playing with. And it's really good to know. Um I mean, I don't know if you can really ask somebody about the the menstrual cycle, um, about menopause and aging politely. Um but having a little bit of an idea, maybe their age, but you know, you could also have uh menopause when you're in your 20s. It's crazy. Lovely. Uh myth versus fact, sexual intercourse does not permanently stretch the vagina, regardless of the number of partners. Now, being a sex worker, being an escort of nine years, I would love uh to debunk this. Like it doesn't it it doesn't stretch the it doesn't permanently stretch the vagina guys. Um neither does childbirth. That's that's something again um a backhanded compliment which I've had uh especially with work because I have actually had a child before. Uh men for whatever reason think I'm going to be loose down below. That is not the fucking case. Um in fact the backhand of compliment is usually oh I thought you were gonna be looser because you've had a child and it's like shut up That is what not to say to say to a vagina owner Never Might sound like a compliment to you mate, but no No Um As I've said before, the vagina produces natural discharge to maintain its HP balance and clean itself, meaning douching is unnecessary and can also be harmful. Um it stretches significantly during sexual activity and childbirth, but it returns to its normal size afterwards. If the vagina seems quite like, you know, open when you're playing with it, that's probably because they fucking like you. And what you're doing is is good. Like take that and be like, fuck, I'm hot shit. Have a bit of confidence. Add that to it, alright? Having sex while on your period is not dangerous and is perfectly safe for both partners, provided you are comfortable with it. In fact, it can have benefits such as natural lubrication and pain relief from cramps. So, vagina owners, I was always told that if you do sports while on your period, it would help. And guess what? It fucking does. And sex? I mean I can I can win. That sport. So definitely like going on a run while you're on your period, that helps the most. Um but periods do not protect you from SEDs or SDIs. Viruses like HIV can also be present in menstrual blood, okay? So just keep that there. Uh when aroused, the vagina increases in length and produces natural lubricant. Vaginal discharge changes throughout the menstrual cycle in colour and thickness, which is a normal and healthy process as explained. So fingering. This is the most accurate picture I could find. Because previously I would just turn my camera back on and show you the finger motion. Which is great, but I think this shows it perfectly, honestly. When you are fingering a vagina owner, definitely do what they're doing. Press down at the top and curl your fingers. It works fucking wonders. You're gonna hit that G spot. You might have to find it a little bit, or press down harder, but you're gonna hit it at some point, hopefully. Um sometimes um you can press down on the stomach, uh where like the bladder is, and so you can push that G spot down as well, and so you can proper hit it. That's uh that's a fact. Uh that is proven to work. So yeah, that's absolutely possible. Um I mean I I love this picture. Um when you finger somebody, for me at least, one finger does fuck all. I need at least the size of a decent decent penis. So two fingers, potentially free. And then go from there. Again, have lots and lots of lube. So lovely facts. The vagina typically produces between one milliliter and three milliliters of discharge in 24 hours. Discharge is made up of secretions from the cervix and glands near the opening of the vagina. Vaginal discharge is normal, healthy process caused by glands in the vagina and cervix releasing fluid to cleanse the body, removing old cells and it prevents infections. You can okay, we're gonna go into that in a minute. 85% of women surveyed were satisfied with their partner's penis size, while only 55% of men were satisfied with their own. It also found that 45% of men wanted to be larger, while only 0.2% wanted to be smaller. Um we need more confidence. It's very, very clear that men especially have self-confidence issues, and it's it's sad and they shouldn't. If um we're gonna talk about this more in other slides, but if your penis is not up to par, um then you've got your hands, you've got your mouth, you've got your fucking feet, you've got all sorts, okay? You've got your whole body. You just gotta figure out how to work it. So this, oh my god, this one, like, I only knew by I think I watched um the Netflix series called Bonding, which is a BDSM series. People love it or hate it, but I kinda liked it in a way, didn't like how it ended. But in one scene, the woman says, um, if you hold your breath, you can orgasm better. That I have always been doing this for so many fucking years. So many years. Um to the point where like some women feel like they're broken. Um, because most women hold their breath while orgasming to help um to like orgasm. Um and to help concentrate. And this is something you can train yourself out of. It is fucking difficult, but you can train yourself out of doing that. But is it is something a lot of women struggle with. And we're gonna go more onto that in the next slide as well. Um during arousal, increased blood flow causes the internal structures of the clitoris um to fill with blood and swell, sometimes doubling in size. Now, I'm gonna tell you a funny story. Uh was not funny to me at the time. Uh oh gosh, probably almost like 10 years ago now. I was at Swingers Club having a joyous time. And I looked down below, and my bit TMI, but I feel like you know, this is the workshop to tell it. My clitoris was fucking gigantic, and 18-year-old me, because I'm 27 now, uh, was like, what the actual fuck? Why am I the only person with a clitoris the size of a fucking chestnut? Like, what the fuck? Like, I I was so fucking like confused at the age of 18. Why doesn't my friend who I was just making out with and playing with have a giant clitoris like I do? It was so fucking weird and concerning to the point where it was like, oh my god, have I just like contracted an STI or something? And it's fucking instant because when you're young, there is hardly anybody to teach you about shit like this. So um, yeah, if your clitoris doubles in size, uh, don't worry, you're just really fucking turned on. Uh um, it it might stay like that for a few hours. Minded. Uh, and you might need to put a bag of peas on it or something, it depends. Uh but um there's also a large number. God fucking knows not there's also um a large 2005 UK twin uh study involving over 4,000 women. It found 32% reported never or infrequently orgasming during intercourse, including about sixteen percent who reported never orgasming through intercourse. Importantly, that's specifically about intercourse, not whether they'd ever had an orgasm by any other method. Um personally, I have an orgasm from penetration. Love that. I would rather have penetration than be eaten out than have oral on me. Oral, I I'll be honest, it's like you're fucking edging me. I just can't get to the end of that orgasm. Like I I just c well I can't get to the orgasm. It's like you're you're getting me right to the fucking edge, and that's it. Maybe if I hold my breath and I concentrate a lot and there's dirty talk and it's the correct dirty talk, maybe I'll orgasm. But it for me will not be powerful and as much as say a vibrator will be or penetration. Um this is very, very common. So again, within my work, being a sex worker, being an escort, um I will get guys who will be like, I want to make you come. And you know, I have to explain to them, well, this is how I come. It might not be how you want to do this, but this is how some women are. Um So yeah, yeah. For me, being eaten out is my fucking personal hell in a way, because it's just edging, but penetration works. Uh whether that be with toys, fingers, or with a penis. It works. Every vagina's different. Um so I've heard the phrase men need sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to have sex. I feel like women, vagina owners we need we need to feel loved. Whereas honestly, as seen in sex work, men can just go out and have sex. They don't need connections. Um they don't need to have history with that person. They don't need to really care about that person either. Whereas I feel like women might be a little bit different, vagina audience might be a little bit different. Um you cannot let your actions now make her feel you just want sex. She needs to be able to relax. So if a every massage, every cuddle, every compliment, every date night or affectionate gesture regularly becomes an attempt to initiate sex, your partner may eventually start associating those gestures with an expectation. I don't want a fucking massage from you if you think you're gonna get laid afterwards No mm Nope. For example, if you regularly offer your partner a massage, then expect sex afterwards, they might be going thinking he isn't massaging me because he wants to make me feel good, he's massaging me because he wants something afterwards. Mate, that's gonna get friction. That's gonna cause arguments, that's gonna cause distance. And over time this can have the opposite effect to what you intended. Instead of relaxing when you touch them, they may become guarded because they're anticipating what you're going to expect next. It's important to have affection that doesn't come with an obligation. Give a massage because you want your partner to relax. Cuddle because you enjoy being close. Kiss them because you feel affectionate. Let some moments simply end there. Of course affection can naturally develop into sexual intimacy when both people want it. The difference is expectation intention versus expectation. A healthy way to look at it is I'd love to give you a massage. If it leads somewhere and we both want that, lovely. If it doesn't, I've still enjoyed making you feel good. You don't want to make it feel transactional. And importantly doing something nice doesn't create sexual debt. Your partner doesn't owe you any intimacy because you've given them attention, affection, gifts, dinner or a massage. Make your partner feel desired without making them feel obligated. Now this also goes as just a future red flag if you see in any play partners or boyfriends, partners, you know, anything like that. Um in a twenty twenty study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, um a descriptive study of a cohort of US women in their US cohort, around seventy to seventy-two percent reported orgasming frequently while around ten percent reported never orgasming. In the same research, men's estimates of women's orgasm during intercourse were higher than women's own reports. So yeah, there are men out there who think um I've just made her orgasm and maybe it was easy and like that woman probably might not have orgasmed. Um yeah. Men typically typically get in the mood faster and experience spontaneous sexual desire, while women often have um responsive desire, meaning arousal builds after engagement or initiation. Men are generally harder to distract once physically aroused, whereas women are more easily distracted by external stimuli or environmental noises. I swear to fuck, if I'm having sex and the dogs start barking, oh my god, I'm done. I can't. We need to go like tell the dogs to be quiet or something, but then the the mood might be ruined. Like it's horrible. You do not need to shove the vibrator on the clitoris. Again, from my work, I've had this multiple times where um I'm gonna say guy because I've mainly worked with men and I have not had this happen with any other um genders. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, which is double the amount of nerve endings in the penis in the glands of a penis. You don't need to shove anything on the clitoris or go million miles per hour playing with the clitoris. Fucking chill. Communication does this person like that? Do they like that? Um a meta analysis covering ninety-free studies and nearly 40,000 people found better sexual communication was associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. Interestingly, the quality of the communication mattered more than simply how often couples talked about sex. Like if you have a bad day and your partner has been like complimenting you throughout the day, you might have sex, you might not have sex. It it doesn't just just communicate. It's that simple. It is. Um I know for me, especially depending on what menstrual phase I'm in, um if one thing uh also just because I'm autistic, uh if one thing goes bad that day, my mood's fucking ruined. Nope. Like no. Research suggests around one in ten women report never experiencing orgasm, while difficulties or infrequent orgasm, particularly from intercourse alone, are considerably more common. Figures vary depending on how orgasm and sexual activity are measured. Um I've done a bunch of research, which is why there's a few percentages about women orgasming here. Um we don't orgasm 100%. There's a lot of um varieties and variables. So yeah, it's it sucks, but we don't all orgasm the same way, or um some women need like 40 minutes to be able to orgasm, and some don't at all. So we're just gonna nearly hit the break in a minute. Common questions I get. One thing I get asked a lot is how to build confidence. Honestly, that is the hardest thing to do. I'm hoping this workshop will help you in some way. Um, how do you know if someone's enjoying themselves? Just ask them. Communication. Look at their body language, look at their movements, um, see if they're smiling, look into their eyes. That is sexy as fuck. At least to me, when you're having sex with somebody or playing with somebody and they look into your eyes. Oh, it's hot. Fucking dynamite, honestly. Um how do you know if she's in the mood? Again, ask. Ask. Um is my penis too small? I don't know, mate. I haven't seen it. Um I've met men who think their penis is too small and I've looked at it and went, mate, that is like a good six inches what you're on about. But if it is too small, again, you've got hands, you've got toys, you've got a mouth, you've got a tongue. There's many options there. Uh what if my penis is too small? Again, same thing. You've got many, many other tools. Uh how do I know if she just came? Oof, that's a tough one, bro. I'll be honest. Uh, in work and outside of work, I will admit I have fucking lied about coming. Uh, because it is awkward. It can be awkward for the woman uh or vagina owner. Absolutely. Where it has come to uh do I tell the truth? Do I like boosted ego a little bit, or like do do I like make him confident in the way that you know he's succeeded? It's a tough one. Um communication is a big one, and you both have to be really honest with each other um about what is going on and how's it feel and what can help. Um, because yeah, like it is embarrassing for myself, if I'm completely honest, when a guy says, Have you come? Because I'm not like allowed. Um if I'm using my vibrator, I'm a loud comer. But if it's anything else, I'm not really loud. I'm actually really, really quiet. Um, going back to this one, make noise. Some people find it really, really hot when you're making noise, whether that is the receiver or giver. I personally love it when I hear uh the person who I'm playing with, whether they are male, female, non-binary, trans, whichever, when they're making noise, that is the hottest thing ever. Um, and it helps me calm. Um dirty talk. Really, really um, really key uh to some people. For me, I need dirty talk. I need you like so I like um a bit of degradation, uh bit of objectification, a little bit of humiliation. So, like, you wanna call me a slut or a whole, um, cool, do that, please. That will help me come. Um you could think about this beforehand, about what you're gonna say. You could even talk to that person. I I would actually encourage talking to the person about what they find arousing, what words, what movements. It all comes down to communication. Um, the cervix, don't shove your fingers in too much to the point you will get to the cervix. Um, because I've had that happen before, um, and it is fucking hurts. It's uncomfortable. Uh you can make uh you can make the cervix bleed by doing that. So just just be cautious. Um Yeah, oh hands. If you say for instance, um are eating somebody out, move your hands up a up and down their body. Do more than two things at once. I know it's hard but do that. It it's amazing. It feels great. I mean if the other person's overstimulated, fair. Again, communicate. Communication is massively key here. Um stamina and breaks. Um the amount of times I have had virgins see me and they they suddenly realize how much effort there is with sex. You'll get there eventually. Uh not being out of breath with sex. Uh it's difficult. Sex is fucking difficult. It's not easy, and sex positions are difficult as well. And you might even need to take a break. There is no shame in that. Uh, what if I want to explore BDSM-wise? Um, again, you could hire a sex worker, um, hire a dominatrix, but please hire one who understands newbies and is willing to educate you um as well as play with you. Um if I'm into BDSM, should I tell my partner or tell the person who you want to play with? Yes. Honesty is the bridge that you're building in that relationship. It is best to tell them. Um it really sucks if you think they're not going to be into it. But can you really live without BDSM? You might think you could live without trying it, but there's always going to be the itch of, oh, I could have done this. So what if my partner doesn't like sex? You have a repertoire of other things to do. You could um use toys, and I don't just mean like insertibles. Um, I mean you could do sensory deprivations, you could use blindfolds, you could use pin wheels, and you can Google all of this up as I'm speaking, uh, because this is gonna be recorded so you can look back on it as well. Uh you could explore electrics safely. Um God, you could explore so much. Um yeah, there's loads of different things you could try and do. So, we're now gonna do a break because I have been talking for um quite some time.