SPEAKER_00 0:00

Right, now we're gonna talk about the BDSM side of things, explor exploration, and curiosity in BDSM, understanding desires, fantasy versus reality, safe exploration, consent and boundaries, traffic lights, how to introduce yourself, what's a munch and a play party. Common roles in BDSM, common dynamics, non-sexual kink. Alright. So here's a bunch of roles in BDSM. There's so many roles and labels out there, there's over 600, especially on Fet Life. Um so here are I'd say just the most common ones, but trust me, if you think none of the labels in BDSM fit you, then that's completely fine. Fuck labels. All that matters is that you understand yourself and you know how to communicate that to another person. So you know you've got the power exchange, you've got dominant submissive switch, dom leaning switch, sub-leaning switch. Me myself, uh I've forgotten to mention, I'm a switch. I am a submissive, uh dominant, I'm a brat, I'm a little, and I'm also a pet. Um yeah. So I am also just in the lifestyle. Uh I've explored quite a bit. So here's a bunch of roles in BDSM. There's so many roles and labels out there, over 600 plus. So here I'd say are just the most common ones, but trust me, if you think none of the labels in BDSM fit you, then that's completely fine. Fuck the labels. All that matters is that you understand yourself to a point where you know how to communicate that to another person. So I'm not gonna repeat all of these roles because there is a fuck ton. Um, you're more than welcome to take a screenshot to take notes. Again, I will send you the video. Um, but that's all completely fine. Can I remove this? Freak you. Can I remove you? No. So then we have the common dynamics. Um again you can screenshot this, you could uh just take notes. Um you've got the usual dominant slash submissive, the master and slave, you've got the total 24-7 dynamic, uh, you've got the total um power exchange. Uh you've got so many. So many. Um yeah. Um someone can enjoy BDSM activities without wanting the power exchange dynamic. Someone can enjoy power exchange without being interested in every BDSM activity. And someone can have different roles or dynamics with different partners. So, non-sexual kink. Having a kink does not have to be sexual, as it is fundamentally about exploring pleasure, power dynamics, emotional connection, and sensory experiences rather than genital contact or orgasm. So, years ago I met a woman who told me she loved gas masks. I automatically assumed she meant sexually. But she explained that it wasn't sexual for her at all. And at the time I was so fucking confused. I was like, what do you mean? You have a kink, but it's not sexual, but what? Like, how can something be a kink if it doesn't turn you on? But that's something I've learned as I've spent more time around kink. Not everything um people explore has to be about sex. Sometimes it's a sensation, the aesthetic, the headspace, the role, the connection, or simply the experience itself. Uh one of the biggest misconceptions about kink and BDSM is that everything has to be sexual. It doesn't. For some people, kink is closely connected to sex and sexual arousal. For others, it can be about power, sensation, connection, structure, service, creativity, vulnerability, trust, relaxation, or simply having fun. Someone can be kinky without wanting their kink to lead to sex. What might someone get from kink? Power and control. Someone may enjoy the physiological feeling of giving or receiving consensual control. Service. Acts of service, following rules, completing tasks, or looking after another person can be fulfilling without being sexual. Sensation. Someone might enjoy particular physical sensations because they're intense, interesting, relaxing or challenging. This is one which I've seen quite common with people with autism or neurodivergent folks who can um be sensitive, very sensitive at some times. And you could also incorporate the sensation with right, bear with me, with tracking the periods, the luteal phase and um all the other lovely phases, and see when your partner is most sensitive. Like, usually when I'm on my period, my nipples are so fucking sensitive, even if they brush up against the shirt, it can be painful or too pleasurable. So you can just play around with that. Like that's that's fucking genius. Using your play partner's menstrual cycle as a a fucking tool. That's genius, that's hot. That's so attractive. Rope can be enjoyed for restraint, aesthetics, technical skill, connection, mindfulness, or artistic expression. So with protocols, titles, rituals, positions, rules, and structured behavior can create a feeling of purpose and connection. We're gonna go more in a future uh page about protocols and high protocols specifically. Pet play. For some people it's playful escapism. For me, it certainly is. Headspace and companionship or freedom from everyday responsibilities. Now that just in itself just sounds like being a submissive in general or being a dominant in general. I feel like we can all agree to some extent that's how BDSM can feel for us. Impact play, people can enjoy the physical challenge, sensation, endorphin response to lovely chemicals, ritual or physiological experience without it necessarily being sexual. Community. Some people simply enjoy being around others who share their interests. Going to a munch doesn't mean you're looking for sex or even looking for someone to play with. When exploring kink, don't just ask yourself what kinks turn me on. Try asking what am I actually looking to experience through kink? Maybe it's excitement, control or surrender, maybe it's structure, sensation or service, maybe it's trust, connection or vulnerability, maybe it's escapism, challenge, or creativity. Or maybe it's simply community belonging and meeting like-minded people. There doesn't have to be one answer, and your answer might change depending on the person, activity, or stage in your life. Understanding why something appeals to you can be just as valuable as knowing what appeals to you. So I'm gonna tell you guys a lovely little story. Um, I was massively depressed growing up as a teen. So I used to self-harm uh trigger warning in the ways of cutting myself. And I found BDSM very early on. And when I participated in doing scenes with uh my partner at the time, I realized that I would get the same endorphin and chemical reaction release that I would get from hurting myself, and so me hurting, like cutting myself, um, turned into I'm really depressed. Can you spank me? And so I became quite a bit of a masochist for a good few years of my life. Um and as I've like escaped depression, escaped stress, uh escaped what was making me feel um that way, I'm not much of a masochist anymore. Um I I don't really want to be um caned until I bleed or bruised uh massively. Um honestly, I kind of don't really have the pain tolerance anymore. So it really depends on a lot. Um I've said this numerous times just about how kink is so fucking beneficial for people. Um that you don't really realize potentially what is happening chemically when you are doing kink and how beautiful it can be. And honestly, for some people, kind of life savouring, you know. Um so yeah, I've met people who are interested in a certain thing in a certain year, and then they're interested in a different thing, it can all change, and that's completely normal. You might be into water sports the next, and then the next day you might not be. It's okay. So, kink and sex. This is particularly important when you're entering the community. Say someone saying I enjoy rope doesn't mean I want to have sex with the people who tie me. Someone saying I'm submissive doesn't mean I sexually submit to everyone who identifies as dominant. Ass where the fuck? Ass where the amount of times uh that I have been at a BDSM party and I have a submissive and other dominants think they can boss around that submissive because they are submissive. I swear to god, I will throw fists. And you certainly do not tell that submissive to serve you. Um no, I don't give a fuck if traditionally speaking that person thinks all submissives are there to bow down to all dominance. Fuck off. Very plainly and clearly, that's not okay. You didn't get my consent. Um, that is clearly something, as you can tell, really rubs me the wrong way, and sadly that is something that happens. Um and I've seen my friends go through that and other play partners, and it's just it's shocking to me, honestly, that you would think that just because you're a dominant you have power over submissives. No. Um, and someone agreeing to a particular BDSM activity hasn't automatically agreed to anything beyond what was actually negotiated. As you can hear, my French bulldog clearly agrees with that. A scene can be intimate without being sexual, a dynamic can be meaningful without being sexual, a relationship can contain BDSM without containing sex at all. And kink can also be very sexual for people who want it to be. Neither approach is more authentically kinky than the other. Right, understanding desires. Understanding your desire is about figuring out what you actually want and enjoy rather than what you think you're supposed to want. Nobody is here to make expectations. Uh, you do not need to hit the high bar in oh, I should try all these and I get a reward afterwards or whatnot. It's not like that. A lot of people reach adulthood without ever exploring this. We pick we pick up ideas about intimacy from previous partners, porn, social media, friends, and cultural expectations. Sometimes that makes it difficult to separate our genuine desires from expectations we've absorbed from somewhere else. Desire can include much more than specific sexual activities. You might desire affection, excitement, feeling wanted, emotional connection, novelty, control, surrender, reassurance, playfulness, or simply feeling completely comfortable with another person. This does not um you don't need to have sex in any of these. It's also important to recognise that fantasy and real life desire aren't always the same thing. Something can be exciting to imagine without being something you'd actually want to experience, and that's completely fine. CNC, for example. So C and C is consensual consent not consent, um, which basically means rape play, but under the guise of you are in a safe space to explore this. Me personally, I watch a lot of uh potential not CNC porn. Um and I like the thought of CNC. I I do. Um, but when I've tried it, um I completely break down and I fucking cry. Even if I'm with that safe person. So it's it can be completely different, honestly. Um like what your mind masturbates to to the real world of you actually doing this. And I see it also with people who like to be who think they want no, who would like to be pegged and they like the looks of it online. Um, but when they go to try it in real life, they go, holy shit, this is a bit different from what the porner looks like. So yeah. Understanding yourself also makes communication with a partner easier. Instead of expecting someone to magically know what you want, you become more comfortable seeing what interests you, what doesn't, where your boundaries are, and what you might be curious about exploring. A useful exercise is to think about three categories. Yes, things I know I enjoy or want. Maybe things I'm curious about but would need to discuss first. No, things I don't want to do or that cross a boundary. Now I have seen this done in uh a beautifully autistic way with a fucking spreadsheet, and I love that. I love that so much where there is a spreadsheet and it's colour-coded and it's so clear on what this person likes or wants to try and what their limits are. Do that the s the the fucking more information you have and simpler it is and easier to transfer to the person you want to play with. Beautiful. Uh and if they make fun of your spreadsheet, then don't play with them. They're not the right person. And remember those answers aren't permanent. Desires and boundaries can change with experience, circumstances, and different partners. So you might have a different spreadsheet for different people, and that's okay. If nobody was judging you and you didn't have to impress anyone, what would you actually want from intimacy? These are the questions we've got to ask ourselves. Alright, so this is a big one. Porn's not real, guys. Uh I have been a paid actress for most of my life. Porn's not real. Porn is a performance created for an audience, whereas real-life intimacy is an experience between the people actually involved. Porn is designed to look sexually exciting on camera, especially for cis males. That can mean exaggerated reactions, particular positions, because they give the camera a better view. Performers maintaining an erection longer than most people naturally would, editing, preparation beforehand, and scenes being planned around what viewers want to see. Now, speaking from being a porn actress myself, um I can do what four shoots maybe in a day with another person, but that would take up a whole day, and I'm talking from like 9, 10 a.m. till like 9 at night. It takes it depends what type of porno you want to make as well, if you want to make it like cinematic, um, because I've made some really good porn for some people, uh, where it is multiple shots and it is cinematic, and you do have to like um rewind yourself and take the shots like four times maybe or more to get certain different angles. It's a bitch, I tell ya, but it makes good porn, or you could um just do solo porn and it will still take time to set up the camera, um figure out the angles, figure out what you're gonna say, and the script, because there's a script, um, and then you've got to edit it and everything like that, and then you've got to advertise it. Um and you yeah, you've gotta plan the scene around like what viewers want to see and the fucking algorithm and all that stuff, um, and of course, um the uh erection being longer is because of the blue pill. And actually, a lot of um porn actors get erectile dysfunction because they have to use the blue pill a heck of a lot. Um with porn, if um somebody is on their period, we just shove a sponge up there to soak up all the blood. Uh, and then hope we can find the fucking sponge. But yeah, uh, it certainly is not real. Um, real intimacy doesn't need to look impressive. Uh something that looks amazing on camera might feel really fucking awkward and uncomfortable, or do very little for the person experiencing it. Trust me, the uh especially um been there, done that, especially with the angles during sex. Pegging also, as I said previously, pegging is also one where they see it online and it's completely different in person. Porn can also create the impression that everyone instinctively knows what to do. Do they fuck? No, they don't. Someone touches their acting partner in a particular way and they immediately have an enormous reaction. In reality, um I'm as quiet as a fucking mouse, honestly. Um To the point where, like, in work, I kinda do have to fake it because the guys will uh think they're doing something wrong, and of course, I don't want them to um hurt you know, get their feelings hurt. But it's just how some people are. Um in reality, different people enjoy completely different things. Wa uh blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah. What work brilliantly with one person might do nothing for another. Another big difference is communication. Porn may not show all the conversations, the boundaries, preparation, or consent discussions that happen around filming. It doesn't. Um, I've actually started to record the preparation um and sometimes afterwards because it just needs to be shown. Um, in real life, does things matter enormously? Asking, do you like that? Noticing changes in someone's body language, and being comfortable slowing down or stopping are signs of confidence, not signs that you don't know what you're doing. It can also create unrealistic expectations around bodies and performances. People may start worrying about how long they last, what their body looks like, how much noise they're making, whether their particular whether their partner orgasms, or whether they're doing enough. That can actually make someone less confident because they're mentally comparing themselves with a performance. Good intimacy isn't about reconnecting with recreating something you've watched, it's about learning the person in front of you. Are you trying to make your partner feel good or are you trying to make the experience look like what you've been taught? Good sex should look like. So, safe exploration. Exploring your sexuality, desires, or curiosity should feel exciting, informed, and safe, not pressured. Uh I'm seeing okay. I need to add a page about my experience because I don't think I added that. Um, being curious about something also doesn't mean you have to do it. You can talk about fantasy, research it, set boundaries around it, or decide that it's better left as a fantasy. There's no pressure to prove how adventurous or experienced you are. No one should be push oh Jesus fucking Christ, you can tell it hasn't been fucking written by Chat GBT. Spell mistakes should be pushing you to try something. When exploring something new, think about risk as well as desire. Discuss boundaries, safer sex practices where relevant, physical and emotional risks, contraception and SDI prevention, and for BDSM activities, the specific safety considerations involved. Start within everyone's comfort and experience level rather than just jumping straight into something intense. Don't sign up to apps and go crazy meeting people. Think. Um, so a little story time again from my own experience about feeling so fucking old that I have so many experiences. Um when I was very young, um going to kink parties, there was this guy, um, I've spoken about it before with a few people. Um, there was this guy who had an electric box, and he was actually a staff member at the event, and he brought out the electric box, and he was like, Oh, you're like a young 18-year-old, let me hook you up to the electrics. And this device was a 2B um Electrostem device uh uh uh device which I actually have upstairs, but he had like a massive version. Um, and I'd never played with electrics before, and I was over with my friends, and I felt very pressured to play with this person who I'd never played with before. We did not speak about boundaries or anything like that. And I feel like especially when you are young and inexperienced, you do feel more pressured than usual, and you do want to try new things, and so this man attached um these electric pads uh basically on my fucking ovaries, uh, but on my crotch, and he then proceeded. I'd never played with this person, bear in mind, he then proceeded to shout into this electric box, which then um electrocuted me uh to the max, um, and it was incredibly painful and it were it absolutely put me off electrics and I just was young and I put on a big brave face because I wanted to try electrics and I wanted to also probably impress people. Um but yeah, this man just continuously yelled into this machine, uh, which was voice controlled as well as just normal levels, and electrocuted me, and it was not nice, and I got off I got put off of electrics, and he electrocuted me to the point that I was cramping and it was extremely painful afterwards. Um so yeah, I do not encourage people to feel pressured or anything like that. You have nobody should have any expectations of you, and you should never ever feel pressured to do anything. When exploring something new, think about the risk as well as desire. Um yeah, you you really have to think about boundaries and everything like that. Um, safe explanation also means paying attention during an experience. Consent isn't just getting a yes beforehand. I mean, I was gritting my teeth, and that should have been enough for him to be like, let's not do this. Um check in, notice body language, and don't assume silence means enjoyment. If somebody becomes unusually quiet, freezes, pulls away, or seems uncomfortable, stop and check in. Afterwards, talk about what felt good, what didn't. Was anything unexpected? Would you do it differently next time? This kind of reflection helps people understand themselves and each other better. Also, it's just hot as fuck if you actually um care about that person. And perhaps the most important message: you don't have to push a boundary to explore it. Confidence isn't about being willing to try everything, it's knowing your desires, communicating your boundaries, and respecting someone else's with the same enthusiasm you expected them to respect yours. So we have the usual. These are pretty standard things that kinky people go by. We've got rack, we've got um sick, we've got um SSC, we've got prick. Um just gonna take a swig of water before I lose my voice. Rack stands for risk aware consensual kink. It is a safety and ethical framework used by practitioners as an alternative or update to um SSC, Safe Same Consensual. Rack states that absolute safety is impossible in any activity, which is 100% fucking true for any BDSM activity. Accept and take personal responsibility for the risks involved in their play. Often Rack is used with some of the more risky behaviors around BDSM and kink, such as blood play, breath play, play piercing, and knife play. Um, these are roundabouts like the same variations of each other, um, but they're still all very important. Um, SIC, this goes back to the beginning, um, and then incorporates the idea of informed consensual kink. How does the safe and sane differ from those in SSC? Ultimately they don't. Pardon me, but the discussion around them in SIC makes some assumptions. In this case, safe is a relative term based on the activities being performed, think as safe as possible, considering we're playing with knives. Sane, like safe, focuses on the idea of remaining sane within the scope of the scene. Basically, everybody needs to keep their heads, even in the most intense scenes, that if something goes wrong, the participants um spring into play, spring into action and fix things or stop the play to address the issue. Prick is meant as a way to put even more ownership on the individual involved in the kink, especially this especially this essentially says that every person involved knows their own kink, understands the exact nature of their activities that will take place, including any risks from these activities, and can offer full consent because of understanding all of these um facets. One way to look at this would be to say that RAC offers the idea of risk awareness, this activity will make me bleed, while PRIC would demand a more detailed understanding. This activity will make me bleed and may increase my risk for bloodborne disease infections and may end up requiring emergency medical attention. At that point, an individual can fully consent to that activity, knowing all the risks involved and taking personal responsibility for their own part in those risks. So then we have the one which quite a lot of people know, safe, sane, and consensual. SSC is a fundamental ethical framework used within the BDSM and King communities. Be responsible, ensuring that activities minimize physical and emotional harm, rely on clear and sound judgment, and are completely voluntary without coercion. How does the same the safe and sane differ from those in SSC? Ultimately they don't, but the discussion around them in SIC makes the same assumptions. So next one is traffic lights. So this is how I do my traffic lights. There are a lot of other ways you could do them, but I thought easiest is the showing you how I do mine. Um I know that some people do numbers, um, going 1 to 10 on how they like a certain thing. So say green being they love it, that would be zero, and then amber with they're not so they don't they're getting to their limit, or maybe they're not so sure on a certain thing, that would be five, and then ten would be no, I don't like this, or it would be stop or red. So the way I do this is green means they love it. Keep going. Amber, not so much, so I'll still carry on for that specific scene for a few more seconds, going lighter, slowing down, and then I'll move on to something different to not break up the scene. This is where you have to think fast. What are you doing next? Is your play partner okay? Don't think um self-consciously, you're learning about each other. They do not like it. Potentially too rough, too hard, too fast. Communication's key. Look at your play partner, how are they breathing? Um do they look tense? Um and for me, uh my safe word is stop. Um, this can differ depending on what type of scene you're doing, and if you're doing like a C on CNC scene or something along those lines, yeah, you can say pineapple, strawberries. All depends. Communication's key. So, what's munch? A munch is a casual social gathering for people interested in BDSM and kink, usually held in a public place like a calf, pub or a restaurant. There's typically no play or fetish gear, it's about meeting people, chatting and connecting with the community. You need to have appropriate conversations. You're around vanilla people, people who aren't into kink, you're out in the open world, just be respectful. Um, you have to blend in with vanilla people. Uh what's a play party? A play party um is a private or organized event where BDSM play is permitted. Depending on the venue, people may participate in or watch or negotiate scenes, um, socialize or simply observe. These events generally have clear rules around consent, boundaries, privacy, and safety. Um, little plug here. I have a podcast called Behind the Paddle Podcast. Behind the paddle podcast. I need to not say that so fast. Um there's over 130 episodes, and it's all the majority of it is all about education, um, especially about kink. Episode 90 is called Burgers and Bull Gags inside munches and play parties in the BDSM world. Um, most of the episodes are more than 30 minutes long, so that goes into more of a deep dive about munches and play parties. So here are my general general guidelines for navigating a fun conversation with a stranger at a munch or sex-positive meetups. You have to be a little braver than you are normally when it comes to introducing yourself or sitting with someone you don't know. Genuinely, when you go to sit next to go sit next to somebody at a munch, you're kind of forced to talk to them. Don't shove yourself in a corner where there's nobody. You want to also look welcoming as well. If you are so like if you have say, I'll put this in the next workshop, PowerPoint, but if you have like um a TV show or a series you like or a book, bring the book. Or bring like a little badge or something which people can comment on. And you can start a conversation that way. Or if you see somebody that has something like that, start a conversation like that. Um if you're unsure of how to get into or out of a conversation, try the kind and direct approach. Hey, you seem cool. Do you mind if I sit down here? Or hey, I'm just gonna go explore. I hope you have a great night. You're at a play party at an event for people interested in kink, potentially non-monogamy, and topics which might be taboo in other settings. Everyone attending will have different levels of comfort with sexual induendos, um, discussions of sexual activities and lots of other topics. Breaking into conversation with someone you don't know by assuming they have a lower level of comfort than you do. So don't start off being like going up to a random person and be like, hey, do you like getting fucked in the ass? Don't be like that. Even if you think it's a joke. No. Always set the um expectations of somebody's comfort low. And then work your way up. It's always the fucking best. Assume good intention by sharing if someone is making you uncomfortable. Demonstrate good intention by being open to hearing that you've made someone uncomfortable. Have fun and don't take it too seriously. You have to remember we're all just making this up as we go along. We're all just trying to be confident. So, how to introduce yourself with kink? There's gonna be a few things that overlap, but it's all needed. Um, for neurodivergent people like myself, uh, they go head first into the most nerve-wracking experiences, like going to a play party first, rather than starting with a munch. I know a few people who have done this. Um, start observing I know somebody who is currently at a munch right now that has played at multiple play parties, um, and they're going to their first munch today. So start by observing and getting to know people. Community events such as socials, educational workshops, and discussion groups can be a much easier introduction than immediately looking for someone to play with. Introduce yourself as you would anywhere else. Um your name or chosen scene name that you're new and what you're hoping to learn. Learn the community's etiquette. Someone identifying as dominant submissive switch or anything else, but this doesn't automatically tell you what they're comfortable with. A label is not consent, as I said previously earlier. Just because they're submissive does not mean they're going to fetch you a fucking drink. And they should obey you. And neither is someone's clothing, reputation, or previous activities with somebody else. Um, because I am a professional mistress, I have been asked multiple times at events without knowing the person if I would play with them, and my answer is always no. I would like to get to know the person before I play with them. I would also like to get to know them deeply in the ways of their boundaries, limits, what they like, what they enjoy, what they don't enjoy, and everything like that. Um I'm not a kink dispenser, it's as simple as that. Um take your time building connections, ask people about themselves rather than immediately asking what they'll do with you. Respect respect rejection gracefully, avoid touching people or their equipment without permission, and don't assume attending a kink event means someone is available sexually. It's also worth remembering that confidence and experience aren't the same thing. You don't need to pretend you've done things you haven't, saying, I've never tried that, but I'd like to learn more, often demonstrates far more maturity than pretending to know everything. Before exploring with somebody new, talk about boundaries, expectations, consult consent, relevant risks, ways of communicating during the experience, and what happens if either person wants to stop. Trust should be built rather than assumed. So, there's no simple answer, it varies from person to person, it all depends on you, on how you're going to introduce yourself to the community. I know that sounds very scary, but I'm also not going to say do this and claim it will work wonders. Nope, it's just not true. Being a stranger in King doesn't automatically make your approach unwelcome. What often matters is how you approach someone, whether you respect the setting and how you respond to their boundaries. Treat the person as a person first, potential play partner second. You don't need to elaborate opening line it needs an elaborate opening line. At a social or munch, something as ordinary as, hey, I'm is this your first time here? That's a brilliant line by the way. I find it works all the time in just picking up a conversation. Or how do you know how do you know this group is usually much more comfortable than immediately asking about someone's kink's sexuality or what they're looking for. One of the biggest mistakes newcomers make is. being too sexual too quickly. I know that when I go to a munch, I don't want to be asked why I'm there. I'm just there to have fun, dude. Like yeah. Someone openly identifying as kinky doesn't mean they're invited um sex they're invited sexual attention. Their clothes role fet profile or presence at an event on automatic permission to flirt, touch, comment on their body or ask intimate questions. Read the room. I know it can be very hard as a neurodivergent person, but it's something you might have to learn. And it will help. Look for uh reciprocity them replying back and wanting to actually um you know ask you questions back, turning towards you, continuing the conversation, do they seem genuinely engaged? Um if they're receiving one word if you're receiving like one-word answers or they're repeatedly looking elsewhere, moving away or not contributing to the conversation, gracefully give them space. You don't need to force another five minutes out of an interaction. And if someone says no a simple no worries lovely meeting you goes a surprisingly long way. Don't lead with your fantasy. Also if they're not looking towards you they might just be neurodivergent so just keep that in mind as well. Avoid introducing yourself with a list of everything you'd like to do with someone instead get to know them. You can eventually say something like I'm relatively new to the community I'm interested in learning more about dominance and BDSM but right now I'm mainly here to meet uh people and learn. That communicates your interests without placing expectations on the person you're speaking to. And compliments matter too compliments something they've chosen rather than immediately sexualizing their body. Your outfit is incredible those boots are amazing. I really liked what you said during the discussion. You could even go as far as to say where did you get the outfit from then continue having a normal conversation. A compliment isn't a transaction that requires attention in return. If you've had a genuinely good conversation you could ask to stay in contact by asking for their FET life name. I've really enjoyed talking to you would you be comfortable swapping details? Notice the difference between asking and simply putting someone on the spot by demanding their number. The same principle applies online a thoughtful introduction explaining where you've encountered someone and why you're messaging them is much more inviting than immediately discussing sex or sending intimate photos. Don't concentrate on proving that you're not creepy. Concentrate on making it easy for the other person to say yes, no or leave without consequences you can be interested in somebody flirt with them and eventually ask whether their mutual interest there's there's mutual interest while still respecting their autonomy. And particularly for cis men entering kink spaces you don't need to apologize for being a man or overcompensate by trying to prove you're one of the good ones be friendly listen respect boundaries accept rejection gracefully and let your behaviour establish your reputation your first goal isn't to find a play partner it's to become someone people feel comfortable getting to know so when you're at play parties um or munches mainly play parties this one hang out in designated mingling areas lounges or near the snacks where people expect to chat um etiquette here never interrupt the scene do not approach speak to or touch people who are actively in a scene setting up or undergoing aftercare wait until they are completely finished and in a public slash social space look for open body language approach people who are making eye contact smiling or not uh or not deeply engaged in a private conversation now a great freaking way uh to start a conversation with somebody or just give them a compliment which they can walk away from is saying that was a lovely scene you just did I don't know why I turned like really scalped then but that was a lovely scene you just did I really enjoyed it that beautiful really really good can break the ice as well you can use openers that allow the person to decline gracefully for example hey do you know a lot of people here like who are you with so they can say yeah I'm with my partner and we're going to play together or I'm alone and I'm open to meeting people what about you you can also ask hey are you looking for something the tip is to always be prepared for soft rejection if people are not interested and go do something else if they don't engage with the conversation that's okay you can also talk about relatively neutral subjects like oh I really like how this event is staying in the theme of people are most likely to be interested in the subject even just saying oh I love this event everybody's so dressed so nicely you especially that's great also compliments that are not too personal if you're feeling bold talk about their outfit but not like in a really weird way where it's like your tits look fantastic don't say that but then we have this icebreaker it depends on the vibe joke about how awkward you feel so as an as an icebreaker you could say like it's totally normal to ask what your name is while we've both got our tits out right so it depends on the vibe get some icebreakers out there and things humor being funny is such a talent um thank you dog and it's really good it's really good if you can crack a joke and people laugh online community I personally don't want to look at penises especially in my own free time without being paid if that penis doesn't have a cage around it or a sound in it or needles or something accompanying it I do not want to look at it. A lot of people feel this way I will not take a profile seriously if it just has your fucking penis um I don't find it respectful um especially just having dick pics get out there make more pictures even if they don't have anything to do with kink even if it's like you go out and take a picture of like the scenery of like the fucking sky or some shit um and you could also just like write notes like write your thoughts with it be much more of an open person give me a little inkling of who you are rather than just your penis as your picture or a blank profile. I want to know who you are I want to get to know you so read a person's profile if it says they don't accept messages from strangers you've got to respect that. Read a profile thoroughly maybe send a message if they accept that hey I'm new to the community I see we're going to the same event I was wondering have you been before maybe even compliment the profile but I'd bring it back to the main thing like an event house rules follow them read over them and make sure you know them ask people their names maybe their title how they want to be addressed so if they just go by Miss um or sir or madam it all depends and do what you're comfortable doing as well honestly ask for preferred pronouns even ask consent for hugging or even handshakes if it's a very traditional slash high protocol setting some submissives can't even speak unless they have permission from their dominant big on accepting uh people who they are be respectful when people are talking about their own opinions if you do see something dangerous or against the rules find a dungeon master also known as a DM even if someone is setting up for a scene do not approach like to the point you feel like you yourself are in that scene don't be loud um be quiet while someone is in the scene the amount of times that I have been in the scene or I've just been watching and people are loud oh my lord I want to kill them so badly it's just fucking rude it just is um do not insult kinks no kink shaming um do not out people usually in BDSM sometimes people take on a persona for whatever reason they choose what you know about that person keep that to yourself unless you have had that conversation about the open world so if I see you in the wild what name do I call you do I even say hello don't out anybody some people really want to keep kink private from real life so if you bring the plus one everyone plays a role in maintaining emotional and physical safety this could include checking in with partners offering water or grounding support alerting hosts if concerns arise looking out for one another so this could be if you are in just a scene with your partner or you're you've brought a friend and you're looking out for your friend or your partner is actually playing with somebody else um experiences can stir emotions vulnerability and reflection if you see your partner playing with someone else and you get jealous talk about it after the scene don't interrupt it alright um I would hope beforehand you guys have had the chat of if you're going to play with other people um jealousy is a real thing especially in BDSM especially in open relationships and polydynamics and everything like that you need to figure out how to keep emotional integrating that supports long-term well-being and healthy community connection so traditional high protocol so high protocol is about creating a carefully constructed framework that governs how a dominant and a submissive interact formal etiquette um submissives must use formal titles for their dominant e.g. sir ma'am master or mistress and speak only when spoken to in formal settings positions of submission submissives are often required to adopt the specif oh my god I can't speak now I've been speaking for nearly three hours specific physical um postures when in the dominant um presence such as kneeling keeping eyes down or standing at attention the submissive must request permission for basic daily activities including speaking eating leaving a room or changing their physical appearance uh roles of the submissive the submissive's primary duty is compliance with the dominant's rules schedules and commands without hesitation or argument daily routines often centre around domestic service grooming or administrative tasks designed to make the dominant's life easier the submissive is expected to maintain impeccable personal hygiene fitness and dress the standards according to the dominance preference now some of these could just go over into a DOM sub dynamic not necessarily high protocol um but there are events and relationships where you do see how protocol dynamics so these are um low protocol mid protocol and high protocol um again you can screenshot this this is all the differences between them and what um types of actions and contexts so as you can see there is very much a difference between low and high protocol um I am quite a big fan of high protocol um in both regards I'm actually going to a high protocol event um in October uh with me being the dominant and having a submissive so what's important about protocol is that it is entirely yours. What I've described in my high protocol times may be nothing like what you expect within your own high protocol. Maybe you're more demanding and strict about it maybe you're less demanding and strict there is no right way or wrong way to set up your protocols so long as what you you agree on works for everybody involved and there is consent you do not want to make um certain that you have a um they'll oh my god I can't say the word between the various protocol types some folks do not have a mid-protocol or acknowledge it as such for them it's just another level or um of low protocol I like to separate it out because it has different expectations from low and high within um multiple dynamics. Set up um your own protocols however you like now aftercare aftercare is very important uh once again behind the paddle podcast has done um an episode on aftercare aftercare might include gentle conversations physical grounding like cuddles uh quiet space time to decompress food hot drinks um blankets the person might just want alone time as well they might not want to be near anybody or they might not actually be affected aftercare can matter because it helps the body and mind come down safely after an intense experience now it doesn't matter if you didn't think it was intense the other person might think that was intense and this goes for the DOM the sub whatever role you're in have some aftercare dominance people on the flip side also need aftercare not just the submissives in BDSM especially it can support um nerve nerve system regulation reinforce trust and connection and give everyone space to check in emotionally and physically it also creates an opportunity this to discuss what felt good what didn't and what might be needed afterwards your own boundaries assess and establish your boundaries before you arrive while anticipating some flexibility should be the sp should the spirit move you know that there is no pressure to play at the play party you are always welcome to attend and observe just to get a feel for the environment phrases like I don't know if I'm ready to dive in yet or I'm having plenty of fun watching or the sex party equivalent to bringing um non-alcoholic beer when you don't want to drink just nice to have handy what is your definition know it down to the T and work out how to explain it for example you might see one thing as degregation but someone might see that as objectification why do you see it as degradation explain how you see it what you feel like doing um what you think while you're doing it as well so little uh shameless plug here behind the paddle podcast has over 130 episodes on education which um includes aftercare high protocol electrics colouring chastity edging strap on enemas shabari pet play feminization and the list goes on and this is it do check out my podcast um I also offer um reduced in-person sessions and online sessions for educational purposes if you're wanted to dive deeper and if anybody has any questions um and any feedback um they are more than welcome to send me that now or afterwards that is perfectly fine uh okay so that was the workshop thank you all for being here I massively appreciate it and yeah I'm definitely gonna change the time from two hours to three hours um but yeah I appreciate everyone being here and it was very lovely to do this workshop uh you all are free to go oh wonderful yeah if anybody has any questions after it or any feedback I will be spamming your DMs for feedback um um yeah that's remember it so I'm gonna end it here unless anybody has any questions I'm gonna give it a minute but yeah it's been so fun right guys