SPEAKER_00 0:00

On today's episode, we will be discussing fear play. What, how, when, and where. Well, first off, what is fear play? Well, fear play is any sexual activity involving the use of fear to create sexual arousal. Unlike masochistic tendencies, fear play does not offer the subject pleasure or arousal through a rush of endorphins, but rather a terrified mental state which triggers a release of adrenaline. Some have likened its role to that of horror movies, improving a harmless outlet in which to feel frightened. I love horror movies. Anybody who watches my videos or follows me on Instagram or FetLife, they will know that I am very much a horror fanatic. Have you ever felt oddly excited during a scary movie? Or noticed your heart racing in a way that felt potentially arousing? You're not alone. And no, there's nothing wrong with you. Many people report feeling unexpectedly aroused in situations that also trigger fear. We often think of fear and arousal as opposites, one linked to danger, the other to pleasure. But, surprisingly, they can overlap in unexpected ways. In this episode, we'll explore how fear and arousal are connected, how your nervous system reacts to fear, why it can sometimes trigger arousal, and when that response is completely normal or potentially confusing. We'll also discuss the difference between safe and unsafe situations and explain why understanding this connection can help you make sense of your body's signals. So, how can fear cause arousal? When you're scared, your body kicks into high gear to protect you. This happens because fear activates your nervous system and leads to a hormonal surge in your body. Adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and dolphins, things which we have covered before in previous episodes. Especially, I believe the episode was called Kink on the Brain. I will double check that just now, but I'm pretty sure it was kink on the brain, something along those lines. The neurochemistry of BDSM, dopamine, serotonin, and the brain on kink. Part one and part two. But we have spoken about dopamine and the adrenaline and the endorphins. We're on multiple more episodes, which I'm sure you can dive into. So, adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and endorphins leading to noticeable changes. Your heart beats faster, your palms get sweaty, and your pupils dilate. Your muscles tense up and your senses become sharper. These reactions prepare your body to deal with a fret, a process often called the fight or flight. Response. Interestingly, these same psychological changes are also involved in sexual arousal. It's all heightened stimulation. So it confuses your mind. Sometimes when your body is already physically aroused due to fear, you might mistake those feelings as coming from something else. Like excitement of getting romantically attracted to someone. This confusion is called misattribution of arousal and plays a big role in how we experience emotions in certain situations. A famous study conducted in 1974 showed this clearly. Men who had just crossed a scary suspension bridge were more likely to call the women they met afterward than the men who crossed a safer bridge. The excitement they felt was actually fear, but they misinterpreted it as romantic interest. Later research suggested it's not always about confusion. Even when people know what's causing their arousal, fear, they may still feel more attracted to the person accompanying them in those fearful situations. This suggests fear might simply make emotions like attraction stronger regardless of the cause. Another 2003 research on a concept called excitation transfer provides convincing evidence for this fact. This study showed that feeling scared in a fun and safe way, like on a roller coaster, can actually make people feel more excited or attracted to someone. They found that people who were approached by an attractive person right after the roller coaster ride felt more interested in them compared to those who were approached before the ride. This is because the leftover excitement from the ride made their emotions like attraction feel even stronger. In safe, controlled situations, fear can actually heighten arousal. Your brain knows you're not in real danger, so it interprets that adrenaline rush as excitement instead of panic. Now, can fear cause arousal in every situation? In safe and agreed upon situations, like watching scary movies, riding roller coasters, or certain sexual activities in BDSM. Fear can feel fun and exciting instead of scary. You know you're not in real danger, so the fear can actually make arousal stronger. But when fear happens in unsafe or non-consensual situations, like drawing trauma or abuse, any physical arousal is very different. Sometimes a person's body reacts even though their mind is not aroused or okay with what's happening. Now I saw this recently in um, I believe it was a Law and Order episode, and basically this woman, trigger warning, was getting gang raped, and she was experiencing orgasms, but she obviously didn't want to do that, and she was terrified, and I think it's very, very important to have education out there, even if it shows trauma and it shows real life experiences, and it is hard to watch. I think we need things like that to make us understand and educate us because I know for a fact that not everybody understands, not everybody knows that it is possible to orgasm while in situations like that. It feels like your body is saying yes, but your mind is completely against it. This is known as arousal non-cordance or simply unwanted arousal. This can be very upsetting, confusing, or even make someone feel guilty. That's why it's important to understand. A physical response is not the same as wanting it, desire, or saying yes, you know, consent. The body can respond on its own, and that doesn't reflect your feelings or mean that something is wrong with you. Your nervous system reacts to strong emotions like fear and pleasure in similar ways. It doesn't always differentiate between the two. That's why in stressful or exciting moments, some people feel a mix of fear and arousal. Which can be confusing. This is completely normal, and it doesn't mean something's wrong with you, and I can't emphasize that enough. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable or reminds you of past trauma or abuse or interferes with your relationship, it's important to talk to a mental health professional. Talk to somebody. Therapy can offer clarity, healing, and a safe space to understand your responses. So we're just gonna run through some questions. Is it normal to feel aroused when I'm scared? Yep, it's completely normal. Fear and arousal are both trigger similar, both trigger similar physical responses in the body, so it's possible to feel a mix of both, especially in intense situations. Can trauma cause arousal? Sometimes. The body may react physically even when a situation is unwanted or traumatic. This doesn't reflect desire or consent. Therapy can help process this response. I know therapy has definitely helped me in the past, and I'll go back to my therapist every now and again and talk about certain situations. I believe therapy for myself has made me realize a lot about my past. Good and bad things. Does fear-based arousal mean I'm into something wrong? Not at all. Many people find fear thrilling in certain contexts, like role-playing or suspense. What matters is consent and that you're comfortable. Does feeling aroused during fear mean I wanted it? No. A physical reaction doesn't mean you gave consent or wanted what happened. The body can respond involuntarily. It doesn't reflect your thoughts, feelings, or values. I understand I'm repeating quite a bit, but I really want to put across the points of just your body does things differently from your mind. That's not your fault. And I think it's one of those things which like you do have to understand about your own body, and it can be difficult to understand it. Absolutely. I mean, I I still don't really think I've understood mine. But why does my body react sexually during fearful situations? Your nervous system can't always tell the difference between fear and pleasure. Both can cause increased heart rate, hormone surges, and heightened awareness which might feel like arousal. A study called Fear and Psychological Arousal during a virtual height challenge affects inpatients with acrophobia and healthy controls. VR virtual reality, exposure therapy is becoming increasingly established, but the mode of action is not well understood. One potential efficiency factor might be physiological arousal. To investigate arousal during VR exposure, we exposed 40 patients with acrophobia, and 40 matched healthy controls to a VR height challenge, an assessed subject fear rating, and psychological skin conductance level, salivary cortisol fear reactions. Patients experienced a significant increase of subjective fear, heart rate, skin conductance level. Unexpectedly, controls who reported no subjective fear also showed an increase in heart rate and skin conductance. There was no increase in salivary cortisol levels in either group. Physiological arousal in agrophobic patients, in contrast to subjective fear, might be stronger than that of controls confronted with high cues in VR, indicating marked discordance across symptom domains, the lack of cortisol response and a clearly stressful paradigm warrants further study. Why do fears manifest as sexual kinks for some while it does not for others? Well, I did a bunch of research and I looked at Reddit. Because I mean there's not many places you can go for these answers. And Reddit, there was um a fair few people asking this, and a good few answers. So one was coping mechanisms is one reason. Everything we know is a symbol or a premise. When accepting a premise, it changes everything built on it afterwards. Symbols are simplified representations of events, things, ideas, and concepts. Both of these things compound and relate with other things. Butterfly effect manifests in your mind and how you respond to the world. If I conflate power with sex, for example, quite possible I am I am end up with a kink from the trauma, just I have a vertical. Another says I'm terrified of being held against my will and used for someone else's pleasure. Unless she does it. Because I trust her and I love her and it's fun. Just like that, a phobia is addressed in a safe, relaxed environment, and it has less control over my anxiety ridden brain. I enjoy CNC, consent, non-consent. So with C and C, I do enjoy rape play, but I obviously only like it when I am doing that with somebody who I trust. With my previous history, I have been sexually assaulted, I've been raped before as well. And me reenacting it, I want to say helps me heal in a sense because I can do it safely. And with somebody who I love and somebody who I trust. And it sounds a bit stupid, but it kind of gives me the power back that I lost and it it makes me feel so safe with that person that I can take all my defenses down and give myself to them knowing that they will take care of me.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

I don't know if I like it because of previous trauma. I think potentially because it happened to me when I was younger in my very early teens and then late teens. So potentially. But there's never like solid answers because our brain just can't really tell us. We can only assume it's because of this or that and whatnot. But I just thought I'd give you a little bit that I can relate to. I can definitely relate to this podcast episode. I mean, I can relate to quite a few of them. That's why I drew them. Because it's just so easy for me to be like, oh yeah, I've experienced this or I've done this, and I have a history of this. And I think it brings me closer to just my audience and my listeners. That's nice, I like it. Fair play is typically considered edge play, a category of BDSM-related activities with high physical or psychological risk. While limits are discussed in BDSM, they may be pushed in some edge play scenes to heighten sexual arousal as the subject becomes excited by the feeling of helplessness. Exphyxiation and castration play are common within edge play, subsections of BDSM. Now we are going to talk more about different types of edge play further on. Some types of fear play may take advantage of a person's doubts, such as abandonment or humiliation. Others are more physically based, medical play, knife play, or kidnappings, which is actually really quite common, may include a physiological aspect of fear, but it may be the physiological activity that causes the emotion. To some people, fear play could be as simple as having sex in public. When scare arousal gets dangerous. Sometimes scare arousal can be taken a little too far. We're not just talking scarier movies. For example, someone might seek out increasingly intense or potent stimuli, such as having sex in public in a very populated location where they're most likely to get caught and be arrested by police. See, I do know people who are really, really into this, and I'm just too scared to partake in this. These individuals do sometimes put themselves in very dangerous situations in an attempt to try and feel something, and they might be doing it precisely because that fear response is amplifying their sexual response to the extent that someone is repeatedly putting themselves in harm's way for this reason. There's cause for concern here in terms of their overall health and well-being. However, most people who experience scare arousal, being scared, you know, yeah, simply gravitate towards scary movies for then Netflix and chill. What's more, when integrated thoughtfully, scare arousal can actually enrich a person's sexual landscape. Couples who learn to work with this energy often discover increased passion, deeper erotic vulnerability, and more creative sexual communication. Instead of fearing their body, People listen to them. They turn involuntary reactions into opportunities for exploration, pleasure, and relational closeness. Scare arousal becomes not a source of embarrassment but a doorway, one that leads to more authentic desire, more expressive intimacy, and a fuller understanding of the body's remarkably complexity. Understanding and accepting how scare arousal affects you. When fear and arousal collide, it can be deeply confusing. Many people don't understand why their bodies respond with sexual excitement during moments that feel frightening, stressful, or overwhelming. In my professional work, I often meet individuals who carry enormous shame around this involuntary response. Truth is, scare arousal is a physiological reflex, not a moral reflection like we've spoken about. The body's fret arousal system and sexual arousal system share overlapping neural pathways, meaning the body may respond to intensity even when the mind is distressed. To overcome this sexual shame, you first need to separate interpretation from sensation. One of the best ways to do this is simply by educating yourself on why scare arousal happens and why it's totally a normal biological response, which by the way you're doing right now. Many people are surprised to learn that researchers have long documented non-conordinance between physical arousal and subjective desire, meaning the genitals in the brain don't always match. Understanding this helps people move from self-judgment to curiosity. Practice how to reintroduce controlled elements of intensity and other things that may naturally induce fear. This can be accomplished in various ways, including consensual role play scenes. For example, maybe you and your or your partner act as an intruder, breaking into the house, but the stimulus for scare arousal doesn't have to be that intense or elaborate. Sometimes more mild forms of BDSM, like erotic spanking, are enough to elicit the same psychological and thus psychological responses can get you aroused. The key is intentionality. You're choosing the activation rather than being caught off guard by it. So perhaps on a date night, you choose to watch a scary movie as a means of activating your body's arousal system before hooking up with your partner. And you need to really pay attention to the movie. I know quite a few people who listen to my podcasts, we are all neurodivergent, but to really activate it, we need to focus in. Fear play plays with the same adrenaline rush as knife play or breath play. It can also be compared to skydiving, where your fear and the risk of mortality are transformed into an intoxicatingly good experience with an endorphin and adrenaline cocktail. But this is exactly where the danger lies. Therefore, you should think carefully about the practices you want to try out in order to minimize the risks. For many DOMs, fear play represents a special form of power dynamics, because it often involves an intimate and extreme form of trust and surrender to expose oneself to fear in such a way. For many subs, this is precisely the appeal. To entrust their physical integrity, or under certain circumstances, even their own lives into the hands of the DOMs. To be vulnerable and not only face fear, but to be confronted with it. In the BDSM realm or in relationships with power dynamics, fear play is therefore said to have a particular intensity. Not every fear play is automatically dangerous. Some are built on very subjective and personal fears. Okay, so different forms of fear play. Fear play is a collective term for a variety of practices that come in a variety of shapes and colors. The following list only represents a section of a very large field. Now, bear in mind fear play can be anything that gives you fear. It can be something from being tickled to being waterboarded. It varies, it really does, and it is just all up to the person on what they are fearful of. So we have breath play, which involves breath control through choking, strangulation, blocking airways, and more. You know, knives. But blood play. Anything that causes the partner to bleed carries the risk of infections, deep wounds and scars, injuries potentially to arteries. Medical play. Medical play encompasses a wide variety of kinks and fetishes, as well as BDSM. Using roleplay or various forms of medical equipment and paraphernalia, a range of kinky scenarios are possible. Medical kinks can be very specific from your basic doctor and patient roleplay scenario to enemis. Because medical trauma or intimidating equipment or painful procedures can be part of medical play kinks. Medical play is often a form of fair play or uses fair play to enhance it. Now I love medical play so much, and I've done so much medical play, fair play combined. It's mmm beautiful, so good. I will always remember this one particular client who I've seen a good few times. Um and I remember sewing up their penis. Tucking it all in. So the bollocks created like a a fold and I took the penis in and I stitched it all up and made it into a pretty pussy. Oh no, it was so fun. That was um consent non-consent. Oh my god, it was so fun. The fear in a man's eyes as I just toy with him showing him the thread and the needle.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Oh suturing him up. It's so good.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

I used to do needle play workshops because I I just enjoy medical play so much, especially needles and suturing. Um, yeah. So fun. The amount of stuff which I've done is so crazy. I have walked on a guy in high heels while he is beneath broken glass. That was fun.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

I believe I filmed that as well. Very fun.

SPEAKER_00 32:37

So cutting, the act of drawing patterns by cutting out skin. There is also a risk of injuries, obviously, due to misjudgment or lack of anatomical knowledge, as well as risk of infection. Now, when it comes to cutting, it's good to obviously um wipe before with um antibacterial swabs and obviously use stereo equipment. And afterwards, usually putting on like second skin is a good idea, um, or something along the lines of a swab. I think that's what they're gonna be called. A cotton pad. Is one of the favorite things which I do. I love it. And games with staplers or um scalpels should be viewed uh similarly to cutting, knife play, blood play, wax play, um, playing with candles or otherwise heated wax, burns can occur. Some people are very afraid of this. Um, I make my own soy candles, they should always be BDSM tempered. Genuinely, I would say make them yourself. It is that simple. I do not trust any candles from like Bandara or Love Honey. I always find them too hot. And after all, they are factoring made. Whereas if you buy from a small business or make them yourself, you know what exact temperature they are meant to be. And obviously, if it's a small business, they have knowledge of how to make it and it should be correct. Bear backing, the deliberate choice to forego safer sex, which significantly increases the risk of contracting a sti slash std. Branding. I love branding, I've done semi-permanent branding before. Quite a few people are walking around either on their chest or their bollocks or penis with a love heart and a P and a D for porcelain dolly. So you can get like semi-permanent branding pens quite cheaply, honestly, like for like 20, 15 quid, something like that. Um, a lot can also go wrong when drawing patterns by burning the skin. You even if it's semi-permanent, it is still semi-permanent. Um, and in some cases it can become permanent depending how far you go down with the branding. It is it's fucking dangerous. It is. There's no way to like go about it. All BDSM is um dangerous, but branding certainly yes. Um, uretheral stretchings, like sounding using dilators or less suitable devices. This can damage the urethra and lead to serious infections. So, one thing which I always tell my clients or just people who do want to do sounding, there is always a possibility, no matter how clean your equipment is, of getting a urinary tract infection. You need to think about this. I've also when I did teach um medical play, because I did a whole workshops, um, and one was medical play, which did uh suturing needles and sounding I think that was what I'm about to say it. There was a guy who started to basically talk from the bottom and speak about how he stuck rose fawns down his urethra. Please don't do that. Please don't do that. That is not new. That is so unsafe. Incredibly unsafe. I spoke about before, waterboarding, rape play, um, you've got like sensory deprivation, blackmailing, cannibal kinks, I know, um, virus like infection chasing kinks, so a taboo kind of masochism is a product of a cultural fear and stigma of AIDS, or more rarely, other kinds of sexually transmissive infections. Some people found the idea of catching or being infected by a virus erotic. Yep. That's all I'm gonna say about that one. What to consider? Fair play is not compatible with the SSC principle because it does not allow playing safe or sane. The mental state of fear and panic often prevents clear communication. We're gonna go more into that soon. There must be a very close connection and great understanding between top and bottom in order to ensure security. If one is aware of the risks and consequences and is willing to accept them, the activity is considered rack, risk-aware consensual kink. For your own physical safety, it is important to take all safety measures and also prepare for intensive aftercare. Physically, fear is one of the most extreme emotions we can experience. Recovering from a state of fear and panic, which while exciting is still intense, can feel like a real experience. Therefore, it's important to distance oneself from that experience of fear. Similar to rape play, it can help to change the space or location, approach slowly, and establish safety through rituals. As thrilling and enriching as it can be, alongside all the obvious risks, such as the development of trauma, it can also lead to a severe emotional drop after the session. Please go give our aftercare episode a good listen to. This is the whole reason why I have a podcast, is for information. You must be prepared for all eventualities that can happen. You need to know how to minimize these risks and what measures need to be taken if your play gets out of hand. Be responsible and honest with each other. Additionally, you should have certain emergency numbers ready and pre-dial them on your phone just in case. Fair play is not suitable for the first game or the beginning of a play relationship. Personally, that is my opinion. Within the participants, trust and familiarity must exist to recognize the limit at the right moment. It's also important to know and discuss common boundaries and limits beforehand. A shared desire, understanding of the practice, and the willingness and comfort must necessarily be present to be able to accept any consequences. Now, me being a professional, I understand all this. And if you ever have any worries about any of the play that we do or you want to experience, we talk about it beforehand and during the session. We do recaps after and before, and all the way throughout. We can be talkative, we can discuss. Okay, so principles of fair play. Fair play works on a few key principles. Keep these in mind when setting up your scene. Use the power of imagination. Fair play works best when you suggest something and let your partner's mind fill in the blanks. Hints, props, the atmosphere, and suggestion can create terror more effectively than brute force. Scratch that. Than blunt force. Control the environment. Make sure the scene is private and safe. So outsiders don't misunderstand. And eliminate hazards. Fair play can cause instinctive reactions. Struggling, flailing, lashing out. Plan to prepare. Planting seeds before the scene. Props, conversations, odd little hints can make the fair play stronger when the time comes. Remember, most fair play is psychological. Don't use phobias. Phobias are trauma responses that can cause real long-term harm. For many people, this is a hard limit. Just keep that in mind. Again, communication, talking. Ways to play. Fear play techniques. Want to add some elements of fear into your dynamic? Here are some tips on how to give it a try. Use blindfolds, earplugs, or headphones with creepy sounds. Deprivation amplifies imagination. Use props and suggestions. Try using harmless items in scary ways. For example, a cold butter knife that feels sharp. It is also great if they are blindfolded because they're just gonna be like, what the fuck? You know? An unplugged electrical cord, a buzzing razor that sounds like a tattoo gun. Get imaginative with it all. Prey on uncertainty. Convince them that something. Might happen. But never actually do it. The threat of what if can be stronger than the action. Role play authority. This can mean consensual scenes that involve interrogation, mock abduction, and secret experiments. Sell it with the voice, the tone, the consistency. You could fake a mistake. Pretending incompetence can be scarier than confidence. Oops. That wasn't supposed to happen. I wonder what's gonna happen now. Oh no. It'll be so bad if that electrocuted you. Along those lines. Play psychological games. Deadlines. Fail at this, and X will happen. Or whispered consequences can create adrenaline without real risk. Discuss and respect limits. This is very important. Fair play can be about creating a generalized anxiety and drama for heightened intensity, emotional and physical. But fear kinks can also be very specific, just like other kinds of kinks. Someone may be intensely aroused by the idea of a nurse torturing them with medical instruments being near done that, but feel no arousal at all in an in a abduction roleplay. They may enjoy small doses of fear play, but not enjoy intense scenes. Always discuss and communicate the fantasies, desires, the needs, and the limits in advance and respect those boundaries. If they say stop, then you stop. Well, as long as stop does mean stop within your traffic light system. If they say the safe word, then you know, stop. Safety and consent. Fair play is largely psychological play, so it needs to be negotiated carefully with trusted partners, as we have previously discussed. As with any edge play, it's important to follow safety protocols and avoid pushing things too far. Because fair play may involve gags, pillar cases, or sensory suppression. Always agree on a safe word as well as non-verbal signals, e.g. dropping an object. So for oh god, end that at signal. For example, when I do waterboarding and I have the bottom or submissive being waterboarded, I will get them to hold something real heavy, usually a rolling pin, or what else are I, like a something metal usually or a heavy wooden paddle. Something that if they drop it, I can hear it. Once they drop that, then the sheet comes off of their head and they can breathe. And then I go either we continue the scene. Um with waterboarding, usually we would continue, but it all depends. All depends on the person because you know being waterboarded and all that stuff. So normal. Yeah. Fair play can leave someone shaky, tearful, or disassociated. Expect to provide lots of grounding, potentially holding and reassurance afterwards. Again, aftercare is key. Have a safe word. Using a safe word or a safe gesture or any kind of mutually understood signal and respecting it 100% of the time creates trust and ensures full consent. You do that, that person might want to play with you again. Absolutely. But if you betray that trust, no. You'll be added to the block list, to the band list, to the don't fucking play with them list. So BDSM hand signals and when to use them. Remember, just follow the safety protocols. I cannot emphasize enough about always following um safety protocols when practicing extreme kinks. Role-playing rather than acting out of fear fantasies for real is obviously essential in certain situations, such as surgical fetishes, virus chasing, etc. Using sterilized knives and needles are absolutely necessary, as I've mentioned previously. Respecting people's emotions and physical limits when enacting any kind of torture is a fucking bust. Both physical and emotional. Um you need to absolutely understand that you need to be for that person before you're playing, while you're playing, and after you're playing. So read up about Rack, Prick, and other BDSM safety protocols. Remember, as I've said, practice aftercare. Intimacy, bonding, and trust, or the return to safety are key elements of the thrill of fair play. Enjoy these through aftercare as well, while touching, holding, comforting, and soothing or healing rituals. Showering, nurturing, and touching activities are intensely felt after fair play and create profound bonds of trust and relationship. Thank you so much for listening to Bayern Avattle Podcast. Please don't forget to leave five stars on whatever platform you're listening to. We love to hear feedback, especially for future episodes or collabs. This is your host, Folsom Victoria, signing off. Till next time, dollies. Bye.